http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ Share your affair experience en-US Fri, 10 Sep 2010 04:18:25 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.1 q http://www.doccool.com/discussion/search.php http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=900#post-11595 Thu, 09 Sep 2010 23:26:55 +0000 Cheri 11595@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>I was wondering what is the age difference between you and your AP... </p> <p>Are you staying in your age group, younger or older?</p> <p>My x-guy was 10 years younger.. Me 47 him 37 ...... He was too much in his own world at that age.. </p> <p>Are they married or single?? Mine was single.</p> <p>I guess I had 2 strikes against me.. oh make that 3.. we work together LOL</p> <p>Still trying to find that special someone but havent found him yet.. maybe I have to stop looking and he will find me.</p> <p>Maybe need to decide what I really want</p> <p>Chat soon everyone </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=899#post-11588 Thu, 09 Sep 2010 11:56:35 +0000 jay.lo 11588@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>I have just had a "quickie" with my OM and I can only say...OMG, I want more!!! It has been incredible!!! I am still shaking...<br /> The interesting thing is that it was so quick that I didn't have time to come, he came before me and he felt bad afterwards. But I don't really care, I had such a great time and I want to do it again soon.<br /> However, it's my 2nd quickie with him and both times I felt a bit sad when it was over because it meant we had to go and we had only been together a few minutes after a week of not seeing each other. So I leave with an empty feeling of wanting more time with him, but not much more, just a few more minutes. Does it make any sense? Anybody goes through something similar? Is it a gender issue?<br /> Anyway, I know that's why they are called "quickies" plus both times we have chosen public locations so cannot really stay long together if we don't want to be suspicious. I just wanted to share my view and feelings.<br /> What are your views, feelings and experiences? I would love to hear from anybody else! </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=898#post-11570 Wed, 08 Sep 2010 22:09:16 +0000 justkate 11570@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>So ah, i have a situation.</p> <p> This last week we exchanged a few emails along the lines of what the hell are we doing, and i thought we should maybe not see each other any more. That all went out the window as soon as i saw him. As it usually does. He doesnt want to stop. Neither do i, but its just so hard sometimes, and emotionally, i am not in a good place because of it. </p> <p> Anyway. We were saying goodbye today in our usual manner and a staff member walked in on us. I quickly ducked out of the room, he said something and came after me. We are, as you all can imagine, a little freaked out. Its actually amazing this hasnt happened before. We have been together for a year, and have, in the past, done some crazy things. Weve been oh so careful, but having not seen each other for almost a week we got a little carried away. An almost breakup will do that, i guess. Haha.</p> <p> I dont know what to do! Should i talk to this person? Should i just forget it happened? Ive talked to him a bit tonight, he thinks i should say something. Hes going to get back to me on what, but its not like we can pretend it didnt happen. I heard her say not to worry she wouldnt say anything, but she is young. She is also new, and doesnt really know anyone. Everyone we work with already suspects, but no one can prove anything. This is just all kinds of bad.</p> <p>UGH! </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=889#post-11500 Sun, 05 Sep 2010 19:07:34 +0000 wasssup75 11500@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>Hey, I just want to vent a little, I'm a 30 years old male and I live in Europe (so if typing errors occur bear with me...)</p> <p>I met this girl at fitness 2 months ago, the most sexy and beautifull girl I have ever seen. Now I'm not ugly by any means and I have had the chance to spend time with some really sexy girls but I have to say that it surprised me a little how she came on to me. She was the one that initiated contact and after the first time we met we spoke for 2 hours straight (I met her in the sauna of the fitness) Me I'm married for 2 years now with a very beautifull nice girl who works hard etc, wife-material to make it short, but....... we don't connect in bed at all. Let's just say she doesn't initiate and her ideas of 'love making' are different from mine.</p> <p>I told the girl at fitness from the start that I was married with a real beautifull girl etc (tactics you need to use sometimes when talking to beautifull girls :=) and to make the story a little shorter we saw eachother almost every day there, spent alot of time together, spoke about life, our dreams and hopes for the future (yeah I know it sounds corny) In the beginning she said that she didn't have a man, and the 2nd day she told me that she was getting married in 2 weeks lol.</p> <p>The thing is, she comes from another country and told me that she had a deal with the man to marry to get papers to stay etc. Now I know every normal guy and girl thinks at this time that I'm stupid to deal with someone like this but sometimes love makes you do things you never thought possible. To spice things up her man is also real macho (read lil man with a napoleon complex) doesn't work legally but drives 6 different cars and has some mafia friends. </p> <p>We (the girl and me) stayed in contact, she called me everyday, texted me all the time and finally we made a visit to go to another city. We ended up in a hotel and the sex that we had blew me away, I never met a girl who was the same as me in bed, meaning I met some girls who were very good but who I didn't have feelings for, now with this girl I developed strong feelings, since she told me she felt the same and she even talks about marriage, having children, that I'm the love of her life, that the sex is real good etc. Now not that it's only sex and beauty that she has to offer, she is very smart, nice and well yes sexy and beautifull lol</p> <p>Finally the man of the girl went crazy and wants to pretty much kill me and since I appreciate breathing I don't go to that fitness anymore. I have a nice job so I don't really want to explain at work why I have to spend 3 weeks in hospital :=) Now she keeps going to fitness, we keep seeing eachther too, we keep having sex etc but I'm fighting not to be jealous. I know every guy at fitness wants her and she can have them all if she wants. So I use the distant challenge tactic now, meaning to not call or text her that much and making her feel that I'm living my own life, pretty much letting her know that I'm not miserable without her (but I'm here now writing about her so....:=) We still have contact and she repeats the same things she told me before. I know that maybe the buzz of the first months is over but I know that you have to give women space so that they can decide if they really want you or not, and those things can't be forced or faked, the only benifit of people who are in affairs.</p> <p>She has to stay with him for another 5 or 6 months (to be ok with the papers to stay etc) but she wants to have a future with me (or so she says). The thing is that I can't stay in a sex-less marriage like this for long but I don't want to leave my wife for this new girl, let me rephrase that, I would love to be with the girl but I'm smart enough to know that there are too much bad things that can happen or prevent us from being happy together. </p> <p>To make a long story short, if you want to marry a girl, first see that the sex is 100 procent and make sure it blows you away before you put yourself in my position. </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=901#post-11596 Thu, 09 Sep 2010 23:45:27 +0000 bigheart_girl 11596@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>So... I haven't had any interaction with my x or seen or spoke to him. It's been a long time. I figured, hey, I might try to just do something nice to try to break the tension and make things less weird/awkward. I came across something for him and decided to give it to him. He said that he couldn't accept it. He didn't want anything from me. I ended up sitting down and talking with him for a while and he actually had tears in his eyes and told me that he didn't want to go into the reasons why, but he can't see me. He explained how he hates his life, job, he never really even sees his girlfriend and he's trying to get out of this town. He said it wasn't personal. However, he was not interested in ever meeting up with me or anyone else for that matter to meet and talk because he has nothing to say. He then went on to explain how he has no friends and most people give up on him. I told him that he's actually the one that gives up on people. I did end up telling him that for what it's worth, I'm sorry for the way things ended up with us. We were very close at one point, but that's all faded away. For that, I'm sorry and I do miss him and wish him well. I said that the door is open if you want to be friends again. He shook his head. He told me that he cannot be a friend to me because of personal reasons. He told me that he was going to leave the gift and it would end up in lost and found. I told him that would be a jerk thing to do, and he isn't a jerk. The next day he dropped me an email saying that the gift was going to end up in a place that is yet to be determined. He cannot accept a gift because I'm too kind to him over the past and he notes it, but I should save it for someone who reciprocates. I said, yes, I agree. However, I do nice things for other people all the time. I told him to go ahead and throw it away.</p> <p>It goes to show that no matter how much time passes and I give just a little bit of kindness to him, it changes nothing and he will, by however means he can try to turn it into negative energy. Our conversation was a bit long and his bipolar tendencies seemed to be apparent and he's clearly depressed. His projection of his emotions is far more than I can handle or care to. What I do realize is that he is a handful for whomever is in his life. He really is a mess and it's no wonder that he isolates himself from everyone. He once said that people are better off without him, and he is most definitely correct. He does no good for anyone and always looks out only for himself. He has no desire to improve either. I think that my pity party for him is over. I was just trying to break the ice and make things more comfortable when I ran into him, but he clearly doesn't want that because, judging by his reaction to certain questions, he clearly loved me and is upset that he's waited for a year doing a job he doesn't like in a town he doesn't want to be in for this pipe dream that will never come true. His behavior does make me realize that someone as selfish as he is should be alone. A lone writer in a log cabin in the woods... I could see him doing that. Maybe he'd even write in his own blood after cutting himself out of self-loathing. He is a sad excuse for a human being indeed but this time he doesn't bring me down with him. Misery loves company and I no longer can bring out the best in him so I have given up. His girlfriend's friends have spoke with me about how she has become more like him, depressed, a loner and now she has also deleted her facebook and become a recluse from the world. The two of them together will be hollow shells of existence to humanity. Some people were destined for greatness and some people were destined to defeat themselves. I mistakenly allowed myself to somewhat morph into the defeatist mentality last year when I was trying to empathize with his situation and I ended up defeating myself and I've wasted too much of my life focused on someone who is hopeless while putting myself on the wayside. There has only been one kind thing that he's done for me over the past year, and indeed it was a great gesture that required a lot of courage (a love/forgiveness mix of songs) However, it clearly was for selfish purposes to attempt to see if a relationship was possible. He put out feelers and he dropped a few hints over the summer but I disregarded them and brushed them off because I don't want him waiting because I don't know what's happening. Besides, he gave me nothing to wait for. I had distanced myself and forgotten him. I probably should've listened to my instincts and not given him a gift because it just opened the door for him to be mean to me. If only I could play a video of a conversation with him to all of you, you'd see how odd the things he says are, and they aren't logical sometimes. He cannot express his emotions in words (this is a symptom of bipolar.) He rambles on about stuff to me like what he's doing that weekend, etc, in between talking about anything serious. He cannot handle discussing anything even remotely emotional. For being a "sensitive" individual, he is very cruel... I've noticed that just because someone is sensitive does not mean that they encompass empathy. They are not sister traits. I have to admit that I feel sad for his soul, but I do honestly hope he finds his way. I know that anger is easier to deal with, but I will not change my good qualities into negativity for anyone. Instead I feel sorry for him and all that he's losing in life because of his own misery. I feel sad for him that he can only see what he's lost instead of what he gained. His life will pass him by like a dark rain cloud and he will die with a lot of regrets if he ever does become wise... but maybe he won't. I will no longer be the sunshine on his rainy day self-loathing parade. I am distanced from this emotionally now so my reaction to him is 10% of what it used to be when he could devastate me. I decided a while ago that noone can make me miserable but myself and if someone causes me pain, they better cause me a whole lot of pleasure. At least in my marriage, there is pain, but there's pleasure. There's no pleasure with my x. There is only negativity. My kindness was only showing goodwill and now I see that it is hopeless. I am a bigger person then he is and he wants to maintain anger towards me. So be it. I used to think that I like a challenge, but I've changed my mind. BIG TIME. </p> <p>Anyway... I just wanted to vent a little. I'm annoyed more than anything. I am not upset or hurt because I knew where we stood. Feel free to give me your input if you have any. And boys, please save your bashing because I am not still hung up on him, but I do not like ending things with a bad taste in my mouth. I was trying for peace but only got more drama. Yeah, I know that I should know better but it's my karmic mentality that if you give you will receive. Haha... doesn't work all the time. That's OK though. We all get what we deserve eventually, I suppose (and that thought actually kinda scares me because of what I did with my affair) All the good karma I've done over my life has seemed to be trumped by this one awful, selfish act with one very selfish individual. I had completely lost my mind last year just like the nut job I had an affair with. That 25 year old boy has a lot of growing up to do, but I realize, so do I. </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=896#post-11561 Wed, 08 Sep 2010 15:05:03 +0000 amicrazy 11561@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>Well, I can tell not much with my situation is different than a lot here. Been married for 18 years, with HB for 23 years, started dating when 16 years old. A little over a month ago a very old friend (from like 8th grade) messaged me on FB and actually asked if I would accept a friend request from him. No big deal, but sweet he asked first. We talked for a while, just catching up. He was in another country working for a sub contractor after he retired from the military. He's divorced (3 x's) and kids are pretty much grown. When he is in the States, he lives 8+ hrs away, but visits home frequently.</p> <p>I don't really know how it happened, or why, but we were IM'ing on FB like constantly! Everyday! With the time difference, I was at work and usually kept my FB up all the time anyway and he was usually getting off work and heading home about the time I would get to work. So we would just talk. AGAIN EVERYDAY!!!! When I wasn't on FB, we would message through FB because I got them as text messages on my phone and could reply easily. We usually talked about life in general. </p> <p>I could feel it was getting deeper than that. I was lonely at home. My HB is a great man and I do love him, but I was bored and felt unappreciated. Sex wasn't like it had been. But I felt we were just living for our two kids. Afraid of what would happen soon when they left. We don't talk unless it is regarding the kids and we don't do anything really together.</p> <p>So here is this other guy...he starts showing some attention, knowing I am craving it. And I think he was too. Like I said, he is divorced, but has a GF, but she recently moved way far away too. We start talking about common interests, etc. This innocent series of conversations started to become a lot more. More personal and even erotic! It is so good, that I end up falling...quick and hard. I'm sure at first it was from a lack of attention at home, but has really grown a lot. He tells me it's because it's all new...he also tells me that he is horrible at relationships. He is selfish and does what he wants when he wants. He seems to be discouraging any type of emotional relationship, but then there are things he says and does that makes me feel otherwise. Maybe I over analyze things, but something is there. Here's the kicker...he is counseling me on my marriage...what I need to try to do to fix it, from his experiences. Asks about it every day, but then tells me he can't wait to see me, hold me, touch me....Asked me if he could take me on one date while he is home, what would it be? I was teasing and told him that I was one in a million...he says he was just thinking that and he knew...Things like this confuse me.</p> <p>So anyway...fast forward to this week. He is home (my city) for about 10 days and then back to his home (8 hrs away) and then back to his job overseas before the end of the month. We have met for drinks once when he first got into town. No sex, just a great makeout session. We met again yesterday at a park at lunch time, just talked and kissed. (Again, he tells me that I will work things out with HB and he will just fade away.) Today we are meeting a common friend for lunch. Gonna be hard to not be able to touch him! I was hoping to really get some alone time, personal time with him before he heads home, but I do think our opportunity was lost this past weekend, as my HB was out of town, but his kids were in town...just didn't work out. And he really isn't pushing the issue. I asked him if we didn't do anything this trip in, would he want to try again next time...his response "Everytime." Heart melting here!</p> <p>I am a romantic, and I know I may be reading more into him than is there. I feel as tho he is defensive because he hasn't been able to make a relationship last. That is why he has determined whatever we have will not work. I am not asking for a commitment! I am not even sure where things are going to go with my marriage...but I do know that I want to continue talking to him. But I know that his next time to the states will be to visit his GF, who is no where even close to me. So it could be 6 months before I see him again. I am so emotionally attached to him it's hard for me to even comprehend. </p> <p>He is overseas for another 1 1/2 years, so I don't know where this would or even could head. I just know that he rocks my world and we have never even had sex! I am just confused. Don't know where I was actually going with this post or what I want from it, but it does feel good to put all this into words. I do want to tell him I want to continue whatever it is we have, but scared he will tell me again that he will just fade in time!!! Ugh! So I have determined after re-reading this post that I am crazy...but really crazy for him! </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=895#post-11554 Wed, 08 Sep 2010 11:36:29 +0000 isabelle 11554@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>I was wondering how having an affair affects your day to day life? I have certainly let my housework go considerably. Sometimes when food shopping I come home without things I have gone for or bought things I have duplicates of. My friendships have not gone but I find less time to meet them or am distracted depending on how things are going. I sometimes don't want to commit to things in case I have a chance to meet my MM ( this is usually sods law it happens). I will hang up on calls to take his call. My full attention isn't on my son at times. My OM still seems able to focus on his garden and jobs in his house, I have lost interest in my home. Everyday I think I will concentrate more on my job and home etc, but if I am not talking to my OM I daydream of him. Does anyone else have similar? I think men (not all) but more than women can switch off. Even though women are known to muti task. :-) </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=855#post-11301 Mon, 16 Aug 2010 12:50:45 +0000 Mia 11301@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>I've been tempted a few times to say more about my marriage than I should. I don't think I should. Thankfully, I've hit delete or stopped short in actual face to face chat. It's hard to remain silent about a huge part of my life.</p> <p>Do you discuss your marriage? If so, how much?</p> <p>Anytime I have spilled some details say in a chat or online w even other moms I get the response - why are you married???</p> <p>Well, I've decided to stay married. And they are personal reasons, they may change they may not. But they are not changing anytime soon.</p> <p>Since I feel the OM is falling for me and has stated some things indicating he's done the "what if" game in his head, I don't want to lead him on to think I'd ever divorce and marry him. He has IMHO nothing to lose, he's not happy in his marriage and I just make him see that more and more. Which I hate doing. The way he slips up and says things like if I'd met you earlier. </p> <p>Frankly, while he's a good OM to have, he's not my marrying type. And if we met earlier I wouldn't have dated him. And while I'd never say it like that, I simply state I'm married and it is staying that way. </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=897#post-11569 Wed, 08 Sep 2010 21:54:32 +0000 Giselle 11569@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>I have to ask you that have been in your affair longer if the sex is ever less than stellar or if it gets better? I am on a high right now after being with my OM today and I have to say that he totally rocks my world sexually!!! I'm only 3 months in and was wondering if things change as you are together longer. </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=755#post-10262 Fri, 11 Jun 2010 15:57:30 +0000 beautifulgirl 10262@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>It has been a roller coaster year full of ups and downs that I'm sure you can all relate to. Three weeks ago, after barely being in the same space as my OM for many months, a friendly text ended up turning into an intimate night together which proved the connection between us is still there. I decided to enjoy the night for what it was and not push anything. I hadn't contacted him since then until this week when in a funny turn of fate, I found out from my boss that I am going to have to start working with him. Haha! I called to make arrangements to meet for work and the conversation was friendly. We haven't met yet, although I'm sure a business discussion will be an interesting experience, but the flirty texts he used to send when he wanted to see me just started again. </p> <p>And the roller coaster ride continues... </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=891#post-11518 Mon, 06 Sep 2010 11:44:57 +0000 ellebelle 11518@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>Hello,</p> <p>my MM is returning from a vaca with his extended family (has no kids), and I haven't heard from him since he left. Wasn't really expecting to, but wouldn't have minded. So now it's been over a week with no contact and i feel like i've been through detox, almost strong enough to walk away. </p> <p>Curious what other's experiences have been during and right after vacations apart. I, of course would wait for him to make the first move now... but it may be awkward?<br /> Do I ask him how great a time he had if/when i hear from him? </p> <p>We've known each other for about 8 mos, so things have settled down a bit. Like most, a very strong passionate attraction from the start. Texted almost daily and tried to see each other twice a week in the beginning. Recently it's been like once a week with much less texting. We've never been very good at communicating how we feel to each other either, but I've always tried to keep him at arms length to protect myself as I know the "relationship" must end at some point. Most of us know how well that works :). Not sure if he's done the same or is just indifferent at this point...</p> <p>any insight is appreciated as I face his potential re entry....</p> <p>Thanks! </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=886#post-11461 Fri, 03 Sep 2010 15:10:49 +0000 Crazyinlove 11461@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>I have a question for those of you that are married and are having an affair with someone who is not. Do you wear your wedding ring when you're out and about with your lover? Why I ask is I've noticed on some occassions my MM does not wear his ring when we meet in public and I can honestly say that I like it! It puts me more at ease and it feels like we're a normal couple (whatever normal is) :) When I'm with my MM and I notice his ring it makes me feel a little ackward. I guess its that little reminder that he's not mine all of the time :( </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=882#post-11414 Sat, 28 Aug 2010 01:17:06 +0000 Poorlady 11414@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>Hello all. I have been reading this site and the topics for a few days now. I am so relieved as seems to be the consensus here to find others in my same predicament. I have been married nearly 19 years, married at a very young age, started a family early. I have not been happy for a very long time in my marriage and I'm pretty sure he isn't either. He seems to be more the one who is attached to me regardless of happiness though. Not gonna lie, I have cheated a few times, but there was not much of a spark, just sex and after I didn't even feel guilty. But I just kept looking for the next "high" so to speak. I have been good for a long time. Years actually. Until recently.</p> <p>Just a week ago, I reconnected with someone I knew over 25 years ago. We were friends. He was a big brother figure in my life. I've seen him numerous times over the years even though he lives in a different state, at family functions, when he's able to come. He's not family. He was sort of adopted into my family so to speak. Anyway, long story short: I had a random dream about him one day over a year ago. It shocked me. It sorta left my mind for awhile as I only have contact with him if he happens to show up at an event, I've never had contact info for him such as emails phone#s etc since we've become adults. Anyway, I saw him at a family picnic back in June. We talked and caught up as usual. But inside I was freaking out because this damn dream I had. </p> <p>Last week he joined facebook. (oh shit I thought!) Yep, I was right. We started talking, catching up. Then we progressed to texting for 6 hours straight. Then the phone calls. He is single/divorced. At first he fought back and forth against his feelings for me. There is no other way for me to put it but that the sparks exploded once we talked. I feel so completly connected to this man in no way I ever have before in my life. We are meeting next week for the first time. (romantically anyway) We talk daily, text for hours, talk for hours as well. We have both said yea we know we have to return to our real lives, etc. I don't know what might happen. But so far for both of us it has been the most intense, explosive experience ever.</p> <p>I am counting down the days until I can touch him and kiss him. As is he. Who knows what may come of this. But it has to be absolutely discreet as my family would crucify both of us. I am constantly filled with anxiety. So far, no guilt, just anxious over finally getting to look into his eyes and touch him. I cannot even begin to explain it in words. Thanks for letting me vent. I will keep everyone posted as the drama unfolds. But I do know, this man could possibly be my soulmate. </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=888#post-11488 Sat, 04 Sep 2010 20:32:12 +0000 veryconfused 11488@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>always a questions on my (and perhaps many of your) head. affair with OM for more than 1.5 years, we just spent a great 2 weeks or so together in a 'holiday' and felt so happy, haven't laughed so much for years i have to say. when this happens, you start again getting greedy and hope we somehow decide that this is it, we need to be ditch our families and be together, happily ever after.</p> <p>but can we? when we are finally together, will we be happy? going through the same routines of a couple, talking about finances, household chores, etc will we really make it? </p> <p>now i start to think, i still have my family, he has his. and each time we meet, its wonderful, we treasure the moments, we laugh, we have great sex, we love each other so damn much. should we really make a decision? when is the time to make that decision? but if we dont make any decision, are we going to have an affair for the rest of our lives? </p> <p>god, when can this dilemma be over? </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=893#post-11535 Mon, 06 Sep 2010 23:42:15 +0000 moonman 11535@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>I have the same basic story as everyone. Long-term marriage, young children. Met a fantastic woman out of the blue. Intense, loving, FUN relationship. everyone has their specific "blanks" to fill in, but again, basically, it's the same deal.</p> <p>And so is my dilemma as to whether to leave for her or to stay. I've gone over it many times ( p.s. "money" is not an issue in this case).<br /> It's very easy to be distracted by all the "issues" that block our way to being with people who we desperately want to live our lives with. They are all legitimate issues: not wanting to leave your kids; convenience of your 'situation', blah, blah.... They are all effective in keeping us stuck in neutral.</p> <p>But, I finally hit upon how to frame the debate of whether to stay or go. When all is said and done, it's one very simple question: who do ***YOU*** want to live your life with? Who do you prefer? Who do you...drum roll...CHOOSE?</p> <p>Of course, most would say, you choose your lover (while thinking in your head, 'it's not that simple, though!'). But, it actually is, that simple. Is there anything in life that is great that you didn't have to make a sacrifice for? What good is easy? Your college degree, which brings great self-esteem (and a job, hopefully!), was earned --much sacrifice went into it. You didn't have to go to college, but the rewards turned out to be great for everyone I know.</p> <p>It's not "easy" having children --especially for those who didn't conceive naturally. Bringing up children is all-consuming (for the moms at least) and very expensive. But, you make that sacrifice for the great rewards of parenthood. </p> <p>It's the same with CHOOSING to be in the relationship that gives your life MEANING. The sacrifices are great (leaving your children, being the greatest, i can imagine). But, the upside is great too. ConflictedAffair has been with his lady for 3 years. I've read every one of this good man's posts. he is thoughtful, fair and not rash. But at some point, what more information does he need? He feels great with his lady and very much less than good with his wife. It's about his CHOICE of one over the other. Of course it would be fear-inducing to choose the UNKNOWN path of being with his girlfriend. But, the upside is that he would be truly happy. is there much better in life? If he quit his affair and stayed, it would bring depressed feelings without question. "SHE" gives his life meaning. (I include myself in my analyses of his situation --they are similar).</p> <p>Money considerations for men (who are mostly the main earners) is a definite consideration -- but would you choose to live in a 5000 sq. ft. house with no meaningful (and by now, boring) connection (to your longtime spouse or in a small apartment with someone who adores you? ADORES. Don't you like being adored? I do.</p> <p>I came to this new way of framing the ultimate question of whether to stay or go when I saw my own wife truly ramp up her game, when i told her the things that were unsatisfactory in our marriage. Big stuff. She's made real moves to make them better and you know what? it doesn't matter. i want my other woman. that's why i think all this talk about "giving your spouse a chance" and "therapy" and blah, blah is nonsense. When you CHOSE to ALLOW the affair, you had moved on. Some affairs are just sex, so i don't include that. there are some marriages where the spark is still there, so there is no real reason to leave --the affair is about having some fun. But, those aren't the people in this forum. </p> <p>I don't want , in the least, to sound insensitive. believe me, i am struggling mightily myself, but moreso, because it's become clear to me what the question really is: which person is going to bring your life TRUE happiness. Why wouldn't the answer be, our affair partners? We've risked everything for them already. we've already chosen, except to make it real.</p> <p>So, I'm not telling anyone what to do. i commiserate with the good and deeply caring people here. but, great things in life come with risk. what better thing to risk a lot for than for the ultimate in life fulfillment? Your buried for a very, very, very long time. </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=526#post-7269 Mon, 07 Dec 2009 13:42:02 +0000 harperward 7269@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>Thought I would vent some thoughts on here. Not many reply to my posts so maybe I word them wrong or people think I am being silly - believe me sometimes I feel foolish with this situation I have gotten myself in.<br /> We are still seeing each other when we can and the last time was a week ago, we have had minimal contact since then, ie text messages and one phone call. We won't get an opportunity to see each other now until the new year as it is school holidays and with children etc it is a bit hard to get away.<br /> I found something online the other day and it kind of shocked me about him. He had joined another woman's network on msn. It was a horrible feeling seeing it there in black and white. I didn't know what to do, so after a while I sent him a text asking if he is on another website like the one we met on (we are both no longer on that website)<br /> He responded with "R u a cop - lol" He is a policeman. I responded the next day with "Ha you wish, then we would have matching handcuffs - lol." I have had no response to this message. This is normal as it was the weekend and his in-laws are with them at the moment as they attended a funeral today - so he was out of contact today as well.<br /> The things going on in my head make this a very confusing situation for me. Because I am so black and white, I would just like to come out and ask him if he is meeting other people, but on the other hand don't want to do that either. I am trying to remain calm and positive, but I think the writing is on the wall for us.<br /> The last time we met a few things came up - one particular thing was about photos and he said that he had sent me a particular photo and I said he didn't and he said that he hasn't sent photos to anybody else nor is he seeing anybody else. So I have that to go by.<br /> I can't be to critical of him having people to chat to on msn as I do the same with both male and females. Maybe it is innocent, maybe its a family member. Who knows.<br /> I just think this has to many confusing elements in it for me.<br /> I have gotten to understand over time that he doesn't have a lot of spare time, so I am not concerned about him meeting people .............who knows, feeling like I am beginning to ramble.<br /> Just feeling like its a bit one-sided at the moment.<br /> We were online together the other night and i sent him a message and he didn't respond. A while later I sent another one and said, this was hard and that if he sent me a message he knows I would respond and I just don't get him sometimes. He did eventually respond and said he had fallen asleep and had left the computer on as his family were away (which was true)<br /> Is it a positive that he always responds somehow and always has a plausible explanation or I am just being to naive </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=894#post-11550 Wed, 08 Sep 2010 03:15:06 +0000 purplelily 11550@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>This is an interesting article, anti-affair, so be prepared :-) </p> <p><a href="http://hubpages.com/hub/Why-Affairs-Dont-Last" rel="nofollow">http://hubpages.com/hub/Why-Affairs-Dont-Last</a></p> <p> * Approximately 20% of affairs last less than two months<br /> * Approximately 50% of affairs last more than one month, but less than a year.<br /> * The remaining 30% last more than a year<br /> * Very few last more than four years<br /> * Around 3% result in marriage</p> <p>Also found this:</p> <p>Statistically, there is a 50 percent divorce rate in first marriages and a 60 percent divorce rate in second marriages. If you marry your affair partner, the probability that it will work out is even worse than the dismal divorce statistics in second marriages.”</p> <p>So, religious issues aside, is marriage a dead institution? Instead of being forever, is it just a means to procreate and raise good kids? I am just thinking out loud here! </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=885#post-11458 Fri, 03 Sep 2010 14:19:58 +0000 ConflictedAffair 11458@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>I haven't spent much time on the site lately, but it seems we have lost some posters and picked up some new ones.</p> <p>I have been extremely busy at work the last month or so and spent much of it traveling. Fortunately I was able to have my OW join me in a few of the cities I visited. Somewhat costly but I consider it an "investment" :). It has been wonderful being able to eat dinners together and act more like a couple than our usual rushed all too infrequent visits. It's so nice to lay your head down to sleep and wake up next to someone you love. </p> <p>It has also made it incredibly difficult to return to my normal life. Each return home has been increasingly difficult. Most returns I am neither met with any excitement or a welcome home hug. Perhaps not too surprising as the feeling is mutual. I miss my home and child, and to a lesser degree my friend/wife. Our amicable co-existence sort of muddles along.</p> <p>I was recently informed she may be having an affair. I have made a minimal investment in confirming - sifted through a few months of cell phone records and a GPS tracking device. Nothing has been uncovered. It appears she is the content mother/wife, zero interest in intimacy and completely content with our marriage. Perhaps this is what they call a "mature love" - not sure - it's a sexless, passionless, numb way to live from my standpoint.</p> <p>So here I am, a perpetual state of being lost. Not inclined to walk, dreading staying. Like the majority here, no closer to closure. Not sure if something has to give, or at some point you just get so tired of it a decision must be made. For over a year now (affair going on 3) I have felt deeply in love with my OW and certain my marriage is irreparable, yet I feel neither is so terrible I could wreck havoc on my daughter's world and take any significant action. The struggle is intense, I am really fortunate that my OW who is single is so patient, but it is very difficult to see her suffer as she waits for me. I wonder at times if I underestimate my child's ability to adapt and suffer along with my OW while the only content person is my wife. </p> <p>I have gotten the contact information for a counselor but I am reluctant to seek his/her advice as I expect the advice is to go NC with the OW and try to repair the marriage.....can't stand the thought of it.</p> <p>Has anyone reached out for advice? Has anyone been in such a long term relationship and come to closure one way or the other? If so, please share your decisions and the outcome. </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=864#post-11339 Fri, 20 Aug 2010 19:56:30 +0000 mat526 11339@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>Hi, I'm new to this forum and to this topic in general. I am a divorced 30 something that is seeing a married woman in her late 20s. I was never intending to get in this situation but she pursued me until I gave in. We have had a very hot affair for the last 4 months, and recently we have both gotten emotionally attached. Neither of us intended this, but it happened. She had only been married for 13 months when we began.</p> <p>Since we exchanged our feelings of love for each other, it seems as though she's pulled back a bit. As I understand it, the "heat is on" so to speak in her house with suspicions - so I understand less frequent meetups, especially at night. But the texting during the day has become much more erratic and sometimes nonexistent. And our meetups have become somewhat less physical.</p> <p>I don't want to seem pushy by asking her, but I feel that something has changed. My mind wanders from wondering if it's just the pressure she's feeling at home to even whether she's found someone else to occupy her at work. Even typing that sounds weird but there it is. Communication is strange I suppose: great communication in bed, but we never ever talk about the details of our involvement or what we want from each other.</p> <p>Question: for those of you who have started a first affair, is it likely that you'd start another different one if the emotions have gotten too strong in your first? Or should I just dial it back a bit and let her breathe? This is strange for me because I've never had to "share" before, and I can see myself asking for too much. Thanks all. </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=887#post-11473 Sat, 04 Sep 2010 06:49:10 +0000 addicted 11473@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>I am new here. I am not stupid,I'm highly educated but why am I doing this to myself? I'll make my story as brief as possible.</p> <p>Met AP through work, he is engaged, I'm married. There is nothing wrong with my marriage, I don't know what happened to me, bored, push the wrong button that day or what. I fell for AP. We work together but we are in different divisions and live in different part of the country, I only see him a few times a year. Like all affairs, it starts with texting, IMing, phone convos, this lasted for 2 months, then we got physical (no secks though all activities were in bed). </p> <p>Affairs, albeit wrong, should be exciting and fun if anything. If this is painful and bring tears to us, why do it? It was alot of fun at the beginning, he paid alot of attention to me, praised me so much, I felt so in love and wanted, ego boost etc. After he was able to get me in bed (again, no secks, but other activities), this died down tremenously, we still text and talk almost everyday, but the unevitable weekend, he's never around. Once in awhile, he may send an email or text, but usually he's gone.<br /> One thing I learned painfully,, it's not that he CAN"T text/call, he has CHOSEN not to do so, it's a reality. </p> <p>I can't say that I love him, but he is important to me, I would go out of my way to do alot for him. I know he takes me for granted, but I let him. I am not stupid and not realize this, but I just can't control myself, I couldn't let go. Granted he has never disappeared for days (except weekends) like other girls MM here, when I text him in the morning, I expect him to get back to me within a reasonable time, just like how you would text back anyone. Sometimes, I am SO angry about it, but the saddest thing is, I have no right to be angry.</p> <p>I don't ask much from him, why can't he just treat me with respect? He is a an hypocrite, huge one. We do HJ, dry hump, we sleep together in the same bed a 3-4 days at a time during conferences. I honestly dont' think he think that we are having an affair. He talks to me about other people having affair as if what we are doing is not. Is he delusional or he's a complete retard? I have no right to ask him about it because I'm married. This has become a big burden on me. I have no one to talk to.</p> <p>Please, someone just pour a cold bucket of water over my head and wake me up? I would like to pack all this into a grocery bag and throw it out. But I think I'll miss him. </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=890#post-11505 Sun, 05 Sep 2010 22:19:34 +0000 missed 11505@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>Are EM relationships any more difficult than marriages? Or just different? </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=892#post-11522 Mon, 06 Sep 2010 12:42:31 +0000 livinginthemoment 11522@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>I was 20. I am 36 now. Married 15. Together 17. I have changed so much from that girl who was married 15 years ago. I have gone through major life changes that can either bring you closer together or start distancing you from each other. Do you feel that being married so young a marriage is doomed? </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=874#post-11370 Tue, 24 Aug 2010 06:20:02 +0000 Lululu 11370@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>Does anyone find that their perception/expectations seem to constantly shift? When I look back over the last 18 months I realise in the beginning how exciting it all seemed. I overlooked my OM feelings and what he presented and represented to me at the time compared to the point where we are at now. At first it was something to try and a temporary solution. I promised myself I wouldn't let my emotions get the better of me. </p> <p>In hindsight I realise just how head over heels he went in the first few months. I didn't really notice his talk about the future, about running away, a lot of "what ifs" and hypothetical situations being presented. I ignored it to try and keep my feelings at bay.</p> <p>Circumstances changed significantly in his family dynamics which further entrenched him in his marriage and responsibilities. For me, now I look at the situation as him being a symptom of something that was seriously lacking in my marriage which I have addressed. However nothing is conclusive and I thought by now there would be some closure and we could get on with our respective lives.</p> <p>I can't walk away from this though and it is an endless state of limbo with no conclusion in sight. A part of me is missing when he is away, a part of me is torn or on edge when he is here. A few years ago before any of this started I somehow knew we would end up like this. I knew we would cross the line, it was inevitable due to such a strong compatability we had right from the start.</p> <p>I can appreciate how these things can go on for years, despite the ups and downs, the pulling away, the fear and suspicion, the joy, stolen moments and genuine caring. Would I be with him? Yes and no. Would he with me? Probably and statistically not. Will I look at this differently if we are still in this a few months from now - most definitely. Seems it's the only thing I can count on.</p> <p>Not even sure what I am trying to get at. I suppose I realise how much I am missing him as he is away at the moment but also thinking at what point/how do you walk away? </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=884#post-11451 Wed, 01 Sep 2010 18:57:33 +0000 Pasionata 11451@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>Hi,am feeling awful.Had an affair 5yrs ago with MM,i was single.After 2yrs gt a boyfriend broke off affair, married and got a son.MM was so distraught bt i had made up my mind nd he respected that.Soon after i left my son's dad coz of his drunkness and irresponsibility.After 1yr contactd MM and tk off from where we left.Its 6mnths nw.2wks ago had some bad feelin,txtd him that i want some distance as am having doubts(change from routine..)Next day i regretd all bt he insists we need more time to think wat we want.I thought he really loved mi bt am starting to doubt...Wat to do?Please advise me. </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=818#post-10930 Wed, 21 Jul 2010 14:50:30 +0000 Crazyinlove 10930@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>I fell HARD for a MM. WTH was I thinking! I knew better! I knew it would end in heartache but that didn't stop my heart for falling so hard. I met him almost a year ago. It was an instant attraction for the both of us! Crazy! He's older by 4 years. We're both in our 40's. He's been married for almost 10 years to his 3rd wife! Yes I know...but he married young the first time. Second wife cheated on him and ended up marrying the guy (they are still married). His kids and step children are all grown. We started out as friends, we just clicked. All of our friends saw the attraction we had for each other. We both admitted that if he wasn't married and if I didn't have a boyfriend we would be together. We flirted a lot but told our friends that was as far as it would go....well we lied! We secretly saw each other. I'm sure everyone had their suspicions but couldn't prove it. We worked within walking distance from each other. We would meet for lunch, drinks after work, occasionally drive home together and meet on the weekends, text and emailed every day, etc. He would always say "if we had only met 10 years ago" things would be so different. We tried on 3 separate occasions to stop seeing each other because we were falling in love with one another but it was just too hard. The most physical we got was kissing...it was mostly an emotional affair. Never really had the chance to take it to the next level physically. Well we probably could have but I was protecting myself by not letting it. Thank God because I know if we did I would be more of a mess than I am right now. Besides being heart broken I miss my best friend, the laughter we shared and the great friendship we had. Well without going on and on his wife finally found out by going through his phone and finding a Blackberry IM chain between us that he didn't delete. It wasn't too incrementing but enough for her to know something was up. She knew of me but never met me only saw pics on facebook since we were FB friends. She never liked him and I being friends. Thinking back now I keep thinking did he want her to find out by not deleting the conversation? Just the thought makes me so angry! We live in the same town so far we haven't run into each oither thank goodness. I've thought so many different things since we stopped communicating. My mind just won't stop. I go through stages where I'm angry with him for being so careless then sadness that I miss him so much! Anyways when she confronted him they had a really long talk. He admitted he had strong feelings for me and that we had kissed or so that's the story he told me. Obviously she was super pissed. The next morning I got a text from her stating "stay the F away from my husband!" He texted me asking me to call him but I just couldn't. I sent him an email saying how sorry I was that she found out etc. He emailed me back saying that he couldn't see me anymore. He loved and cared for me so much but cared for what he's worked so hard for all these years MORE. I understood but it still hurts! He's a police officer. If he got a divorce she would get half of everything (CA law), she could cause issues for him with his work and with his adult children and family who have always looked up to him. He couldn't face them if they knew he cheated. He's always tried to be a good role model. So since that day 3 months ago today we've had no contact and its NOT getting any easier for me. I think about how he's handling all of this and if its killing him like it is me or was it all a game. Something to boost his ego. My heart aches every day. I'm always hoping that we run into each other or something. I so want to see him. Its so selfish of me! I keep reminding myself that he's married!!! CRAP! Will I ever stop thinking about him? This is my first time dealing with this kind of situation. I always thought cheating was so wrong. But now I know how things just happen and you can't stop what your heart feels. I'm so lost. </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=883#post-11443 Tue, 31 Aug 2010 15:38:57 +0000 BEP68 11443@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>I recently have been having an affair with my long time ago ex-boyfriend. I realized I love him so much, not sure on his feelings yet (but am asking soon). I also realized the man I married was a substitute for him. there are 2 kids involved on my side, he was married once but is divorced. There is no guilt on my end except to question to myself why I am staying in my marriage, when I love someone else.I think it is because getting back together is so new... any thoughts? </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=808#post-10790 Thu, 15 Jul 2010 03:07:55 +0000 purplelily 10790@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>Frustrated on my end, men, would love to hear your input on this subject!</p> <p>Just to recap, in a 5+ year love affair. Him: newly married with young child and older step child. Me: unhappily married with tweens. The following is a trend with my guy, not something new. Although lately he's been much worse about it for some reason. Maybe he is getting tired of me, who knows? LOL</p> <p>I've come to find out by reading other posts that with the rare exception (living in the moment's guy sounds like a master communicator), the woman does the bulk of the communication, perhaps as is usually true in "real" life. </p> <p>I've had my guy ask me to send him things like erotic pictures and stories and they sit in our joint e-mail account box unread for days. He just can't get to it, or probably the better way to put it - he doesn't make it a priority to get to it. I will send note after note and he never gets there to read it, so they are usually overcome by events and I just go in and delete them.</p> <p>It absolutely amazes me - no matter how busy I am, juggling a very full plate at work and at home, I will find snippets of time and ways to reach out to him. I will leave a voice mail, a quick e-mail or go to the restroom at a restaurant to send a text message. When I run an errand alone, my very first thought is that I can reach out to him. I've found ways to communicate with him despite worldwide travel, being on a cruise ship, in the desert, wherever. </p> <p>Now it either doesn't cross his mind to do any of this or I am truly out of his mind when he's involved in other things. He has computers at home and work, a blackberry, and we can communicate on work e-mail discreetly (which is usually where I send my SOS when I've had enough)</p> <p>In his defense, when he sends me something, he makes it count and they are all "keepers".</p> <p>The phone calls are obviously nice and #1 for communication, but the long blackout periods like weekends and vacations, and with the kids home from school and us unable to get together much in the summer - well these frustrations all make his extra efforts to reach out more important to me than ever! </p> <p>I don't want to push him, obviously. I totally understand how busy he is and how his spouse depends on him for every last thing. She seems a little controlling and he is extra jumpy when we're together that she might call or whatever -- sounds like he is on a short leash. But there have been times when she is out of town or he is traveling and he still doesn't e-mail me much. When he has the opportunity, I just don't get it??</p> <p>Will close by saying that I "get" that this is not supposed to be easy, we're not supposed to be doing this, after all. But with technology, there are ways to make it easier to bear by communicating quickly and on the fly! </p> <p>I would love to hear from the men out here on this subject. What gives???? </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=877#post-11395 Wed, 25 Aug 2010 20:32:54 +0000 room418 11395@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>Hi all, you have all been very helpful to me over my extra-marital affair (EMA) and really I just want to try to articulate myself somewhere to people who might understand.</p> <p>I've been in my first and last EMA for over a year now. If you look at my message history here you'll see that I've been a victim and benefactor of "the roller coaster" as many others have here. Many things have changed in both my marriage and my EMA over that time--sometimes drastically. </p> <p>My situation with my other woman (OW) is very restrictive. We haven't worked together for over a year, both of our jobs are demanding and it's almost impossible to get time together. We try to see each other every day but this is always in a public place and we have to be on our best behavior. Of course we don't tell our spouses about these meetings, so they still contribute to the risk of being caught. We have many mutual friends too and worry about being spotted together too often. The usual paranoia. Still, I'd never give them up. I bask in my OW while we sit across from each other and gaze into each other's eyes. We truly love each other. This has never been a sexual fling. We were in love with each other well before we were physical, but then once we were physical, all i can say is "wow".</p> <p>We're completely sexually compatible and make love for hours when we manage to get it together to visit a hotel. I don't want to disrespect my OW by going into detail in the bedroom but the level of compatibly I'm talking about is complete in every way: physical, mental, and even our sensibilities in the bedroom, i.e. varying role playing where sometimes I am the aggressor and sometimes she is. Our dance flows back and forth and through us for hours on end. I can perform for her in a way that I didn't know i had in me. She too has been surprised by her body's ability to continue to respond over our hours and hours together. I've been with very few women and married my wife quite young. Sex at home is enjoyable and even fun sometimes, but it's definitely not hours long. Honestly before having this affair I always looked on cheaters with distain in that they couldn't keep their dick in their pants and counted myself lucky that I had a fun and enjoyable sex life at home. I had no idea what i was missing or even getting into before this affair. To try to measure it is silly but i'd say that sex with my OW is 100x more intense. It has changed my self identity. She has made me a better man.</p> <p>Something we've recognized and discussed is that our current state is the maximum state of connection possible, balanced with the risks that we can both stomach. So given that we're at maximum, we only have a down-hill slide to look forward too. I refer to this as the "chipping away" at what we have. We find a restaurant or coffee shop that's out of the way and we frequent for months until we're spotted there together too many times by colleagues. "well, cant go there anymore." Then we discover that a neighbor works nearby. "well, cant go to hotels in that area of town anymore." I'm determined to find a way to ADD to what we have and stop this erosion. I don't want not be left with a pen pal who I'm madly in love with (although i know that if that was what I was left with i would write every day). </p> <p>So I've been in this dance of trying to keep my young family together while in this crazy relationship with my OW. Can't ever leave my kids. Neither can my OW. This stalemate has gotten the best of us occasionally, but we've always come back to the fact that we are madly in love and have to be happy that we have each other at all. "how many other people get to have this?" we ask ourselves. We're lucky.</p> <p>But the plot thickens. My OW is pregnant; not with my child. She is expanding her family at home because it's the right thing for her to do. In fact I helped her to realize that our EMA and her less than happy home shouldn't stop her from having the children she has always wanted. I would have loved to father those children had we been together in a different universe, or met when younger, but we have to play the cards we're dealt.</p> <p>As you can imagine this has complicated things. Well, everything really. Sure on the long term it's the right thing to do, but it has horrific short term effects on our very fragile and thin routine that allows us to be with each other at all. We both go nuts over christmas or family summer vacations that keep us apart for weeks. But now with my OW planning to spend a year at home with her amazing new addition we're facing the unknown. The hormonal and mental effects (the desire to nest etc) that come with pregnancy have disturbed our tenuous balance as well. For the first time my OW has not wanted to be with me as often etc, which i completely understand of course academically, but has caused me to panic in the recent past and therefore misbehave, stressing our relationship.</p> <p>So coming back to the fact that our relationship isn't primarily sexual, we have to find a new dance. I have to stop worrying if every tremor in our relationship is the beginning of the end. I have to keep telling myself that I'm super lucky. I have to be ok with far less face time with her. I have to be ok if she has different priorities (which she will) for months at a time.</p> <p>We remind ourselves often that we're in this for life. If there's an episode along that life-long relationship where one of us is focused on something else, or feeling a certain way, then it's just that, and episode, and it doesn't touch the bedrock that we have underlying our love for one another. It will be strange <br /> growing old together with our future uncertain. Will one of us move away some day? Will one of us leave their marriage? What will happen when one of us becomes ill? It makes me tear up to think of that last one.</p> <p>All of this makes me throw my hands up that I'm in the society that I'm in. (as if there's an alternative society where this would all be ok). I have such an open stance about, and feel such empathy for others discovered in their EMAs and the way they're stoned publicly in the media. Or worse, when i overhear conversations where friends or family are spouting hatred about a neighbor who has "shacked up with some young hot thing" etc. It's a cold shower reminder of just how acceptable it would be to everyone around me if I were to come clean or be discovered. If only they knew how wonderful it was too. </p> <p>Love is a powerful thing and we only get to live once. How could i cut out such a huge part of my life in an effort to conform with social or religious convention? I believe that the hatred and passion people feel about this topic stems from their own resentment of, or dependance on, their personal monogamy. Maybe that's a stretch, but i always hear undertones of envy or fear in the voices of those people condemning discovered cheaters. But I keep silent of course. That's not a hill you want to die on. It reminds me of atheism. The silent majority. How many cheaters are out there? I hear stats but they cant be accurate by definition--I wouldn't answer a poll truthfully. Why risk it?</p> <p>Thanks for reading. It's great to know there are anonymous others out there who might understand. We're in this together.  </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=878#post-11404 Thu, 26 Aug 2010 20:37:09 +0000 littleblackbunny 11404@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>Just wondering if this site is going to be updated anytime soon?</p> <p>Reason for asking is because there isn't much activity on here and see alot of potential for growth and i just wish it had 'more' to offer? Also what if you want to edit a post you made? How the heck do you do that? Are there rules to this site? I just dont see anything:P </p> http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=880#post-11408 Fri, 27 Aug 2010 19:11:15 +0000 Giselle 11408@http://www.doccool.com/discussion/ <p>My heart is beating just posting this....I have been married for 22 years and never thought I would be involved in an affair. It started 2 months ago however there was a mutual attraction from the time we first met about 2 years ago. He would always want to meet up for lunch (legitimate business) but I was careful about inviting my business partners, etc. so we wouldn't be alone. I knew if we were to meet alone the attraction would be fueled. I was trying to protect myself but who was I kidding! We are both married with children - his little mine much older. He has been married for 5 years, wife not that into sex. Although I would have considered myself happily married (I have the relationship that my friends all say that want to have with their husbands)so all was good right? Nooo...I didn't realize how much the passion/romance had faded and how bored with our sex life I had become. I think I was just going through the motions knowing my husband loved me and I was grateful of that. He is technically skilled sexually (I always have an orgasm) but he doesn't like to kiss which is a huge turn on for me. I almost didn't date him all those years ago because I thought he was a bad kisser, ha! Also, I am very adventurous and like to do things while he likes to stay home so a few years back I decided I would just do them on my own. Well,looking back I think this is what made me vulnerable to my OM. </p> <p>The first time things crossed the line with my OM(boy did they ever)was when he came home early from being with his family out of state (his family stayed behind so he was alone). He knew I was going to be on vacation with my girlfriend in a town near him so he sent me a text asking if we could meet up for a drink - I said sure. Well, we ended up meeting at a club where my girlfriend and I were dancing. He started dancing with me and the moment my body touched his I was toast! After some time dancing I just planted a kiss on him. That was it for me, I knew I was going to sleep with him and for the first time in my life I didn't care about the consequences. We snuck outside the club and started making out, it was heaven!!!! We couldn't go back to my room (girlfriend there and all) so we found a quiet spot and OMG!! We have met up 3 times since and done some sexting. Sexually I have never been more satisfied. We agree that we have to protect our families but want to continue what we have discreetly. </p> <p>I was happy to find this site to talk - felt so alone. I'm sure my friends would die if they knew! Thanks for listening. </p>