Having A Discreet Affair

Share your affair experience

1. Helen
   Member

   I spoke to him the object of a now finally dispersing infatuation, for the first time in 6 weeks tonight. Holidays/work have not coincided for us for this time.

   I am finally in the mind set where I am grateful for what I have. I do however like the attention. Our conversation was warm, friendly, sincere but not flirty. We seem to enjoy talking to each other. He then asked me if I wanted to visit him, he has superficially already looked into flights for me. I told him that wouldn't be an easy one to explain! He gently attempted to persuade me it could be done. I however am resolved that I will not visit. Logistically it is easier for me to go to him, but I don't want it to be easy. I will not allow myself to become emotionally dependant, there have been too many tears at bedtime already - and as our sage like skeptic would say what really is the purpose of being unhappy, when the object of this type of relationship is to enhance our lives.

   Then finally, as we were saying goodbye... he said 'love you' it was the way you finish a conversation with your spouse. Did he forget who he was talking to? I didn't have time to respond as it registered what he'd said I had said goodbye and ended the call. I'm glad I didn't respond,I hung up and I laughed.

   I wonder what Mondays call will bring...

   Posted 9 months ago #

2. debra61
   Member

   Long time no read for me Helen - My goodness - progress for you it seems. Me it is a done deal with loads of twists and turns...plus I was magnetically attracted to his fronting. I need a new form of entertainment...someone who is not two yards away and is my neighbor. The lines were drawn too close for comfort. I started to resent his world and since I live near it - I felt strange concerning the whole sorted mess. I am free now of the tow chain that made my heart feel loaded and downtrodden. I am working to find possibly a new man to merge with intellectually first then I will see what developes. My HB is the vacant person that he has turned into for God knows why...I have very little hope that in the next few years that we will be together. I am working to stay with him due to his medical condition...I feel sorry for him but he takes lot's out of me daily - emotionally and physically...22 years of stagnant relationship with an unemotional stoic frozen man. I am hoping that someday I will find a wonderful man to travel with and read with and grow old with in a warm environment...deb

   Posted 9 months ago #

3. Helen
   Member

   Hey Deb, yes I am back, it is important to vent these pent up emotions, going on 7 months now for me and still no direction about what this really is all about.

   I'm glad you have reached some finality with the italian, does he remain in contact with you - or attempt to? Has any one else caught your eye. I am sorry that your marriage has gone beyond recovery. I am keen to remain committed to mine, I guess I will have to accept willingly the bad karma that this behaviour will bring me.

   So I looked up the flights - stupid huh? I could go. Easily. With a perfect excuse around the middle of the month. But I won't. I am however thinking of using this as a platform. I want to say to him 'Mr, I would like to visit you, but it requires a degree of openess we haven't attained and is a high risk strategy for me. This continues to feel like a game without any rules, so lets set some' What do you think, maybe then I wont be trying to interpret everything he says.

   Posted 9 months ago #

4. Helen
   Member

   
   

   Posted 7 months ago #

5. Cheri
   Member

   Helen.. you posted but there is nothing there..

   Please let us know what is happening with you and your guy

   Posted 7 months ago #

6. Helen
   Member

   Hi Cheri, I was going to go over the saga of the last couple of months, typed it then wasn't sure I should keep posting such intimiate, secret details of my life purely for the gratification of sharing with someone!!!

   After my last post, I decided I'd see him - I was weak. We were getting to the planning stages and that scared him - I have deduced that he hates it being premeditated. He backs off. I retaliate (yes it was definitly retatliation I am ashamed to admit), email him and tell him I don't want to hear from him again. He calls tells me how much he wants me but how I can't visit because we will be intimate - and we are both married (duh!!). I purposely don't let him know my whereabouts over the festive period and he emails me twice. I tried to ignore them on my return to work but failed. I email, he emails back on track - he starts talking about me visiting again. I play along. I give him a date ad surprise surprise its not one he can manage. He calls I tell him I'll leave it to him now. Last week he starts asking me about how I would have managed it, wants reassurance I guess. I tell him. He tells me we will talk about me visiting again.

   I am so caught up in the fantasy of all this, I fear the reality if it ever came to it would be really disappointing. The anticipation maybe is better!! I know he loves his wife and I am reconnecting with my husband. I have been intermittently attempting NC (which is so hard!!) but it only brings him closer. I have to be careful becaue of the professional background to this. I'm currently attempting to keep the perspective - if its fun, carry on if not bin it. The fantasy currently is fun, its just my over analysis that is not. I will not be leaving my husband so why am I romanticising it, I guess its my inexperience of this type of relationship!!!

   Hows things for you Cheri? x

   Posted 7 months ago #

7. debra61
   Member

   Helen - Romanticising the forbidden continues to build the heat between you and the other man. I had to put a stop to that kind of thinking. I have now set precidence with in my mind's eye that the former attraction is only a neighbor that lives by me.
   The PEACE and tranquility that I have found interacting with him is profound. He still does his intermingling of mixed messages and inuendos that lurk deep and deadly and I ignore his "smack talk" and act sophisticated and complacent to his overtures.
   I am thrilled the thrill is gone!!!!! I have found unique interesting soulful men who are kind and thought provoking one of these men happens to be my husband...who has taken steps to please me and work on his business and his the way in which he communicates his wishes. Hubby also grew a gotee and looks cool to me. I am a peace loving chic who is happily at tranquil. I got so tired of running that soap opera in my brain - even if I get another drastic overture from the Italian I will ignore it and change the subject...we all live so close in this artistic community...time to be platonic and vague. I am just not that INTO him any longer. Hope you can see a light at the end of your romantic dailiance one direction or another... best wishes deb

   Posted 7 months ago #

8. Helen
   Member

   It it over. More his choice than mine. The words have not been spoken because there is no need. He said he'd call last week. He didn't. Then I notice on facebook that he has changed his security settings so that messages cannot be sent, we did not use this as a form of communication but it gave me some reassurance that I could have. Then his wife posts about the car he bought her for valentines day. The car he had been telling me about. His consumerism is repugnant to me, perhaps because I am jealous, perhaps because I interpret this grand gesture as an unsaid apology for the wrongs of the last 10 months. I don't expect that he will contact me again and it makes me sick to my stomach, the decision was taken away, the one I was so close to making but never quite found the courage. I loved him, the less he gave the more I wanted him. I was a fool. The feelings of heartbreak are quite a commodity it has been many years since I experience it. I sobbed in the shower as it was the only place my husband wouldn't have noticed, I have had no time to grieve. I have to invent excuses as to my desolation. He was a wonderful distraction from my mundane existance. I need to now find out who I am without him, so far he has been there my whole married life.

   I guess I should be happy in the demise of this - what ever it was. I got sucked in, took it all too seriously. Played it cool with him thankfully never expressing how I really felt. I have learned the very depths of my selfishness.

   I hope secretly he will contact me. I know now what I must do.

   Posted 6 months ago #

9. undiscovered for now
   Member

   Helen, I am so sorry for your pain. I hope the months you had together left you with some fond and happy memories. I understand the pain of the facebook discovery and reading about the new car he discussed with you. I know you are going over in your mind all the intimate thoughts and moments you shared.
   Men can close doors more quickly than women. They don't need closure or even want it. If you have ever read "Men Aare From Mars, Women Are From Venus"? It describes how differently we, the sexes, deal with our emotions. I don't know that it would help in anyway but men dont' have a clue how to talk to us about unpleasantries.
   I know your heart is breaking and I am sending you a hug. Most of us like you have no one we can talk to, cry to, or get a hug from when out EMA goes wrong.
   I wish you peace in the near future.

   Posted 6 months ago #

10. purplelily
    Member

    Helen, I am sorry. You sound like a vibrant woman and I hope that you feel better and the color comes back into your world with every passing day. If I lost my lover I would be a complete wreck. I think the emotions you pour into an affair are very focused and intense so the hurt is very deep. You trust, you give of yourself and you try to be a good judge of character in a short period of time. The elements are all there for an amazing love affair of a lifetime, or train wreck, it is rarely anything in between. Sending a virtual hug!

    Posted 6 months ago #

11. Helen
    Member

    Thank you both for your comments. I have read Men are from Mars... and I get the whole 'cave' and 'elastic band' thing but getting it and tolerating it...

    I am so grateful that I found this forum, it has provded me with a much needed outlet! I have started to focus on my life with my husband, I am confident of his stability and of his love for me. I am less confident of my feelings of disastisfaction, I am starting to believe that these merely embody my selfishness. I have to address this.

    He emailed me. Apologising for not being in contact, nearly 2 weeks had passed. I have not responded. NC begins for me. I expect he will email again, when I have decided how to articulate it without bitterness I will tell him I'm done. I cannot allow my self esteem to be so lowered that I accept the games he plays with me. There is part of me that wants him to know that I have committed hours/days & months to thinking of him, that he hasn't shown me that courtesy instead treating me as though I am disposable. But, I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he's got to me. I guess I have time to think about this, I am hoping with time I can forget I love him.

    It is so strange that something so fleeting, just a couple of intimate encounters coupled with regular emails and phone calls could result in my belief that this resembles love to me. Perhaps it is merely my personal justification for something I never thought I would involve myself in.

    I need strength and courage, NC will not come easy. I am afraid of permenantly ending it.

    Posted 6 months ago #

12. Brandy
    Member

    Helen...I am proud of you. I think it's great you didn't tell him how much he's got to you. This will help you to keep your power and self-respect. If I could take it back I probably would. I can relate very much to what you said about something so fleeting resulting in our belief of deep love. I think this may just be a sign of something missing in our own lives and we need to figure that out and find a solution. I think you are also on to something about justification. We want this to be something big so that what we did could be more meaningful and be excused or explained.

    Posted 6 months ago #

13. Metro
    Member

    Helen...

    "It is so strange that something so fleeting, just a couple of intimate encounters coupled with regular emails and phone calls could result in my belief that this resembles love to me."

    This is so touching to me. I was lucky to spend a significant amount of time with the OM when our EMA first started even though we live in different cities. Over the months our opportunities dissolved partly because of the time of year, but largely because of getting caught. Our connection was through phone and email/ text. How on earth can we fall "in love" with someone who is so far away. The X in my life is the same... he has walked away with apparent ease. I have tried to contact him a few times with no response. He makes it look easy. I find every day getting harder. My insides are a mess and I miss him so badly. I am angry at myself for not getting control of my emotions, and if I don't, my marriage doesn't stand a chance. My HB asked me last night how I'm doing. I told him it's nice to not be angry all the time. We are "functioning" well and that in time I hope we will connect again. Inside all I can think about is how that won't happen, and how much I miss the OM. If time is supposed to make this easier, it is not. It also is not good for me in any way. I read this post and got so sad. What I believed was real obviously meant very little to him. It was good sex. If I could just focus on that, maybe I could get angry and work to getting over this. I gave my heart, he gave his penis. I guess I should read that book. (Mars and Venus) Maybe it will help me understand why he has walked away with so much ease. I'm so sorry for what you are going through Helen. So sad for you. I am with you but would not have the courage to not respond. Be proud of your strength.

    Posted 6 months ago #

14. Helen
    Member

    Its a week tommorrow since he emailed. I haven't responded but my resolve is faultering. A difficult day when I want the comfort of my bad habit. But I know he will offer me no comfort. I have not found the right words yet, I no longer expect to - I expect that NC will be indefinite if I can find the courage and strength.

    I'm glad Metro, that things are functioning between you and your HB, me too. Its not quite the same but at least I can trust myself that it is not a fantasy!!

    Brandy, I think this infatuation is borne out of a desperation to justfy behaviour I used to believe was wholly inexcusable. Strangely it doesn't make it any easier instead I am more wounded by how easily I let him into my life.

    Posted 6 months ago #

15. Metro
    Member

    Helen... A week is here. I'm hoping you made it. I admire your resolve and also understand how it falters over time. Is he still trying to contact you? That would make it much harder I think.

    I am lost about my inability to control my emotions with the OM. I've spent the last few years of my marriage becoming and expert at not feeling anything. I find it a comfortable easy place to be. With the OM I lose all resolve and ability to let my intellect do what it needs to do; meaning to GET OVER IT. I have been so sad at home. I'm good when busy but the second my mind is not occupied I go to thoughts of the OM.

    I sent a few notes but replies were brief if made at all. I was shocked to see a text from him the other day though, and what really made me mad at myself was how much that note lifted my spirits. I'm in a house surrounded by amazing children and a HB who wants to forgive, make things better, and move on. I know what is missing in my marriage, and if I stay those things will never be fulfilled. We are not capable of it.

    Still, home is comfortable, kind, and easy to "live" in. The crappy thing is that I'm better here AS LONG AS I have contact with the OM. What the hell is that?

    Home is not a fantasy Helen. You are so right about that. Home is where my life is, but what if my heart doesn't find its way back. The goal of NC with OM is to be present in my daily life to figure out what I need, what I want. He is doing the same. Unfortunately it's not working so well even with the anger gone.

    One thing that is so hard about this situation is that it means pain, hurt and a loss no matter how it turns out. If I stay I lose "this". If I go I lose "this". If I go I have "this". If I stay I have "this". At no point is there a win win situation here. I really wish I had a crystal ball. The fear of waking up 15 years from now and recognizing I made the wrong decision is terrifying. Staying is the easy route; for everyone involved. Going has so many challenges but maybe a more fulfilled ending.

    Helen I wish you strength to stay away. I very much understand where you are at. I count every day I get through without contact as another day down. I keep thinking it will go away, but it's not yet. I sure hope it does soon.

    Posted 6 months ago #

16. Odyssey12
    Member

    Still, home is comfortable, kind, and easy to "live" in. The crappy thing is that I'm better here AS LONG AS I have contact with the OM. What the hell is that?

    These could definitely describe my situation now. I'm not getting any younger and I keep wondering what if? How do I know things wouldn't be better if I chose the OM instead of what I have? However, there is a new twist to all this with the OM and his health now which I will know more about it later. I hate how confusing everything has to be...can nothing ever be simple? Ok, I'm done venting.

    Posted 6 months ago #

17. Metro
    Member

    Hey Odyssey12; I think the best thing about this forum is that many of us can relate to stories from others. We are not alone in this confusing world of EMA's and what if's. I'm sorry to hear your OM has health issues. Hopefully it isn't anything serious. Does he want you to leave your marriage? Not that it would make your life any more simple if he did. I'm just wondering.

    Posted 6 months ago #

18. Helen
    Member

    Hey Metro, a week has gone, a non event. I have not contacted him, though have yet to delete his email. He has not contacted me since. I am sad, I had hoped I'd read it wrong I wanted him to persue me. But I think I just put the final nail in for him. It saddens me he looks for no explanation, probably feels only relief that he can get back to his normal life, the comfort of his perfect wife and family.

    I long for the simiplicity of being satisfied, not wanting or looking for more!

    I am the same, when I am busy I refocus. When I am stressed and upset it is him that I want most. He would not welcome having to comfort me at these times I am sure. I think its the distraction I want most, I want to be desirable.

    How long have you been going NC?

    Posted 6 months ago #

19. Odyssey12
    Member

    Metro, as to your question he has never asked me to leave or consider it. He has mentioned on more than one occasion how it would be wonderful if we could be together all the time, but he has put no pressure on me to make any changes. He knows that my husband is ill, and that I wouldn't leave him for that reason among a few others, so maybe he just wouldn't ask, I don't know. I now know that OM's health is fine - it was a big scare, but turned out to be nothing. I know this will sound selfish, but one thing that I have been so happy about with my OM is that I don't have to worry about his health like I do at home. It's not like that was a requirement, but when I'm with him it's so freeing not to have to worry about him like I do my hb when making love. But, again I can so relate to your statement about as long as I have contact with my OM then my home life is good too...It just proves what everyone says that whatever you were missing at home he is fulfilling for me so that I can be/feel happy. Sad, but true.

    Posted 6 months ago #

20. Metro
    Member

    Helen... NC has been loose. We talked once as we planned when we said goodbye. It was a check in talk. At the end of it I felt strong; like I could say goodbye and let this go. I found him saying all the same things, wishing things could be different at home, but also not doing anything to make a change. It's frustrating but I also see myself in the same boat. I feel the exact same as you although I don't think I would have come up with those words on my own. I long for the simplicity of being satisfied. If I can't find that at home, I can't stay, but how can I find it at home when I'm thinking about someone I can't have. It's a really nasty cycle that somehow needs to stop. I made a few little "gestures" around the "what if we could see each other" fantasy, and got nothing in return. He is being honest though and recognizes that if he has one foot in the sandbox with me, and the other in the mud at home, he can't do a good job of focusing on either. That is true for most of us. I think Odyssey hits it on the head well in saying that the OM fulfills what you are missing at home so you can feel happy. I did a search on the internet on how to evaluate your marriage. Some really interesting questionnaires came up with one in particular asking questions that felt very relevant for me. There wasn't points at the end, but it gave a "if you answered true it means this" and "if you answered false it means this". It was interesting. One question was "Do you feel closer to your partner when they are away". I do. Another was "are you having an affair that you refuse to stop." (Mine has stopped but not by my choice, so I answered true to that question.) I don't think I can post the link or I would put it up here. I'd like to know your thoughts. Sometimes I think the OM is so much in my head because in theory he is perfect. The less contact I have with him the more I can build that up in my head. In reality, when I talked to him, I saw the issues that would be big if ever we were together. It's just really easy to forget those when apart.

    Helen... I'm so proud of you for making it a week and not replying. I very much understand the wish that the OM would pursue you. I'm in the same boat.

    The hamster wheel continues to turn. One day it will stop or at least slow down... I hope.

    Posted 6 months ago #

21. Brandy
    Member

    Metro...these questions are interesting. What did your answers mean? What you said is so true that we idealize the OM as an escape from the disatisfaction. If the OM is as perfect as we make them in the head, we probably have left the marriage. Each time when I talked to or saw my guy the reality hit me on the face. Yet now when we are in near NC he looks better again. And actually he is nicer to me in some sense. I am thinking maybe there is a right distance in this relationship that could give each of us the optiml satisfaction and minimize the side effects.

    Posted 6 months ago #

22. debra61
    Member

    Helen - I am organizing the events of why I had that fatal attraction to the Italian. Love possibilities broken.
    This "Soul Searching" has brought me Peace with the fine clear mind clarity that overtakes me. I decided to be platonic with him in all aspects of our existence. The premise of this act of Zen as I write this note is based on positive mental messages. I have been reading tons of information on how to send messages telepathically. The messages are not received by the intended if you are aggitated or saddened...you have to be open to sending this harnessed energy back to him.
    I know this is far fetched but, I've been blessed with super observation skills...extra semsory lead ins that predict each person I would come to see happen to me as I think of them...I decided to try this exercise to make the Italian need me like I needed him last year. These special skills of inner voice were "tented over" with my girly infatuation for him...I pushed this relationship - come to speak of it he had a big hand it it too...nevertheless...he still cares for me I can "feel" it. I have got a new job that enforces my positive zest for life. I do see that I projected a reality that was over the top - now - I am free to love. If you are free then the imprisonment of your soul with the key held by him will stiffle your mind and body. You need to get back on the top of this relationship. When I do see Mr. Romance - I am platonic - friendly - my normal vivacious self. It was Palm Sunday of last year that we took the plunge in adultery land. Sick! I have been to church and have asked God to forgive me for the misdeed and if this man is meant to be with me then grant me this transition into him or leave him out of my life. Fate has tons to do with our universe. The mental messages that I meditate on and send him are feeling's of comfort and love rebounded these thoughts back toward him that he falsely or truly projected to me last year. He has been more visible to my friends and to me lately. He was in hiding for a long time. I have been in hiding away from him. I can sense a meeting coming in the future for I am picking up strong undercurrents from him.
    My mental messages are being delivered. I send him feeling's of shame on him for hurting me so badly but cloud or fog over them with the perfume of gentle uplifting love merger and attraction that we once had. It will be an interesting mentally telepathic adventure into reality - if these messages are thoughts and words filtering in his dreams in in idle parts of his daily routine. These transendental experiences are so comforting to me. Meditation is healthy and graceful! I have got the last word... He will come back on my terms very soon. I am not so sure that I want him too for my trust is broken concerning his sexual hunting expeditions...but he should be overwhelmingly sensing the empty feelings that this time apart has opened up to him through me. I will NOT be trapped in his seduction - I have learned a large amount of information about attraction - love - sense of self worth in my middle aged goddess life. PEACE

    Posted 6 months ago #

23. Helen
    Member

    An update.

    He mailed again, I nearly ignored it. But didn't. Flirting again. He called me, asked if I had been ignoring his emails, I told him I was trying to give him up, he scolded me for choosing the NC route and wants 'written notice' in future. Anyway, he asks me to visit again - but for the first time, I sense hes nervous about asking. I tell him why I shouldn't - the times hes messed about, but while on the phone look up flights. We agree he can call me at home one evening, I miss the call. We speak again the next day, hes still keen - very unusual. He said he'd call yesterday but I didn't hear from him - it was this call that would finalise arrangements, so I've concluded hes changed his mind.

    If on Monday this isn't the case. I'll visit.

    There was an incident last weekend, with someone much more out of bounds. Initially when drunk then again the next day when sober and we had met to discuss how to recover from it. I'm not caught up on him and for very serious reasons nothing will ever hapen again. I'm caught up on the original OM which has confused how I feel about it, this has made me a monster. I want to see him, see it for exactly what it is, get closure. Then decisions need to be made about my marriage.

    Posted 6 months ago #

24. Helen
    Member

    So I visited. At first it was awkward with boundaries being set by him as a 'friendship'. We went to dinner, drank wine (me mostly) went back. He had to call his wife. I sat in his room. He joined me on the bed after the call - then things moved decidedly away from friendship. We did not have sex, he felt too guilty about penetration. I did give him a bj ending with him ejaculating on my body. Strangely I felt degraded and spent the rest of the night pacing the apartment. Eventually to sleep on the sofa, at this he moved in to the spare room. In the morning, I talked about going 'no contact' he was against this. I also reflected on intimacy within the safety of a marriage/long term relationship, We both talked about our spouses and our plans for the weekend. He took me to the airport and we said our goodbyes, both exhausted and guilt ridden.There was no goodbye kiss. He called to check I got through to departures. Then again in the afternoon. He is desolte - as am I about what we did. Niether of us can say that we didnt want to but the guilt is crippling. He wants to try friendship. Get through the weekend then he says he'll call me and we will support each other in this transistion.

    I know now that it was not love. I know that it was addiction/infatuation and it was all consuming. I didn't feel that spark with him - which is exactly what I had hoped. But still I mourn for it. And I mourn for the loss of my dignity and self respect. I have emailed him sorrowfully. I want to get back to my husband - but I just don't know if I can - I'm no longer convinced I am sexually attracted to him.

    It seems I nearly got what I wanted, then I realised I didn't want it anymore. Yet I am so hurt by him - as though this isn't a joint decision at all, as though he were rejecting me

    Posted 5 months ago #

25. debra61
    Member

    Helen - Clarity - How can you seek a blanket statement concerning these current events in your life. Confused self awareness is undefined - you should not label or put into need little packages your worth or involvements.

    I experienced almost two years of this "guilt" from my ex him. He had me at Hello.
    A buddy explained these issues differently that you described.

    Food for Thought: Why he did not consumate the relationship is first and foremost
    You are important to him...He was protecting himself - his emotional heart. He knows you are a KEEPER.

    What I discovered through all this is plain and simple...the legal papers that bind you to another pull these men back to their wives and you back to your husband.

    I like my husband and sometimes I feel kindness familiar love for him...but, unfortunately I am not in love with him...He was not the love of my lifetime. My ex attraction was...He knew I was his too. The lines blur in affair love. Double vision is hard to live with. You were another women he feared he would fall in love with...if he "went all the way deep into you" The other man who had sex with you was having his jollies...nice but not for keeps.

    It hurts to find another love. I am taking the high road looking at this past year or so as a discovery time for knowing myself. I can not change the ex-him...I want peace for both of us.

    I got invited to a party at his restraunt. I am not so keen on attending, however I should for a networking event for our buisness...which is important in these economic times.

    I hope you can see an angle to your story...yes, I too have NO feeling for him at all now as he did not profess his love for me honorably - but, that may have meant merger long term and I am not into loving a him who is not honest and true or forthcoming...I see his actions pulling back as coward and selfish. Love is patient and kind and everlasting. I will be patient if he were kind.

    Chew on these ideas. deb

    Posted 5 months ago #

26. Helen
    Member

    Thank you so much Deb. I am in a very dark place right now, yet I chose this. I chose to visit him - a final hurrah, before banishing him from my life forever. I wanted there to be no more unfinished business and my visit was something we had discussed for months. I am most upset about lying to my husband about my whereabouts, not that he notices or listens. The OM was surprised that my HB had not been in contact when I arrived home, nor had he contacted me at all overnight.
    While I think the onset of guilt would have come quickly, I have been responsible for the pace this time. Had I not over-reacted about our intimacy the position may have been similar but more bearable. It felt as though he got what he wanted then rolled over...but despite having consumed too much wine I know that that was not the case. Alhtough he did go to sleep quickly - so foolish and naive of me to have anticipated a loving post coital embrace.

    Although I am hopeful we may yet be able to maintain a relationship of some description, I must be resolved, I must not continue to play this game. I wish it felt like I had a choice.

    Posted 5 months ago #

27. Brandy
    Member

    Helen... I think in the long run you will be happy for what you did, because it provided you with the realization that it was not love you had for him. Attraction and the possibility of love was probably at play. I hope your resolution will help you keep the right distance. Be happy your hb is oblivious of the whole thing and keep it this way. In time you may rediscover hb as a good partner to be in a marriage - or not. But you have the time you need to do so.
    I was at the gym after work yesterday and "My heart will go on" was playing. I suddenly got the idea that many of us confuse love with marriage. Yet these are two different things. Marriage is attainable, love is illusive. There seems never too many love songs sung and listened to. Have you ever heard a marriage song? (Besides the wedding processions?) Yes being a good marriage partner is different from being a lover. Only very few can merge these two together. For the rest of us, either decide to have both in different persons or chose to have one not the other. Chosing marriage seems the easier and safe way to go. To have both is easier for powerful men than for women, as evolution and different cultural history around the world have demonstrated. As a woman you have to be a super diva, or the queen bee equivalent to have the power to do so, and certainly under the challenge of not even an implicit approval of the society. Do you know what makes you happy?

    Posted 5 months ago #

28. debra61
    Member

    Helen & Brandy: It appears that we are all three deep thinkers. Possibly, Men think simply - I know she digs me - I dig her but have a wife...well, ummmm she is hot tonight...too hot...I am not up for the challenge this brings me...I will feel her heat but not bake in her existence.

    I seriously doubt sometimes if MEN have an odd sense of self. My husband never questions my absences nor cares if I work nights or is concerned about anything at middle age except for that damn TV or what I am cooking to eat for dinner. Once they HAVE what they need in you then they go forth and prosper. I read that a man's mind is wired for survival. Self preservation. I read in conjunction to the self absorbed means of thought in a masculine mind - when the macho boy falls for a particular she he becomes so self absorbed - stalker time - that is all she wrote.

    Helen & Brandy...The biggest idea I can Spring up to Plant a Seed of Wisdom in The World of Affair Forums is take this time away to become one with your Earthy Goddess...All of our so we think ex partners will be back for another round. Spring honey,these boys want to pollinate. Men go bonkers in the Spring and Fall...Winter is for wives. Summer there is plenty of eye candy that at first is amusing but these old farts could not keep up with a younger immature mind...they love the hunt for intellectual stimulation to pair with the Viagra to get the big weiner off. Plainly spoken and purely simple. MEN hunt. If you go to them for CLARITY they do not want the pressure of answering your quest for love...It is in that old Meatloaf song...I wanna know right now do you love me will you love me forever do you need me will you never leave me will you love me forever I wanna know right now....will you love me forever will you make me your wife. When a man has you, he feels secure that his world is complete unless the wife is not his true love or cup o tea. He seeks refuge in the arms of another love without a label. We are labelless...
    I intend to wear my label...Supreme at oral gratification the thoughts of my seduction will be in your mind you Italian Hairy Short Stack forever...He will come back to consumate when he feels I have did my penance and that I will be silent around his wife. Men would love very much to have two spouses. My husband could use a a wife that cleans the house better and loves to have people over all the time...instead I am working on projects for other ladies homes...and working on my creative furniture.
    I wish we had a third wife too...The Italian's wife is a homebound entertaining chic.
    Would it not be lovely that we could swap... but my husband and the Italian's wife are ultra conservative that that opportunity does not exist in this world.

    Sex and Love are a mirage in the desert of life.

    My poetic take on a whole lot of idealistic thoughts. Plain and Simple. deb

    Posted 5 months ago #

29. Helen
    Member

    Well having had a much needed sleep I feel kind of differntly. I went to him to take my mind off something much more serious that was haunting me - mission complete.

    What did I want from the OM? - I wanted him to want me, I wanted him to love me. I wanted didn't want him to leave his wife, I just wanted him to want me more - selfish but I wanted the validation.

    I didn't give him the chance. I am a master of self sabotage. My feelings of degredation - imagined, plummeted me into dispair and for the first time he watched my guilt manifest - he had believed me completely capable of compartmentalisation. My guilt contributed to his own, so rather than reveling enjoying the moment and waking to guilt - it was immediate after the act. I felt no surge of physical chemistry - the kind that makes your heart beat too fast and your stomach lurch, his heart rate was very high - I felt it. I am glad my reactions to him are changing - perhaps it was the clarity I needed. That I am not capable of seperating my physical desires from my emotions. But my emotions have changed.

    Do I feel stupid for travelling so far, to fulfill only his needs - yes, but still I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it because I know that he did. Yet I cannot tell him, because in his own guilt he can only think of his wife. I did tell him I felt rejected because he wouldnt have sex with me, he told me that was not the case, not his intention but that some things couldn't be taken back - agreed but nor can the last 12 months. He is so very very afraid of the consequences for others yet there is no chance we would be caught. There are no crumbs to this trail

    Will he be back? I'm not sure. I am not confident he will call as he said he would. It would be excruciating in the short term, in the longer term for the best. I dont want to let go of him entirely. I want him to still desire me, for the guilt to be short lived. I still want his validation that I am an attractive woman. I'm just not so sure I need it now.

    I don't think his refusal to have sex with me is about falling for me. I think it is truely guilt and what he finds aceptable to himself. He truely is a selfish creature. He does not know what he wants from me but he knows he will not have sex with me. He told me it will never happen again - as he said last time - because he wont put me or him through it again. I reminded him we had said this last time, how are we to achieve it. He wants to distance our contact, friendly only emails no flirtation.

    It was clear to me he needed to get in the mindset for going home, that my spitefulness in the morning referring to having learned from the experience that intimacy with those who love you is a much better experience, may have gotten to him. Good. I wanted to hurt him before he hurt me. I wanted to have the upper hand for a change. This is not good for me though, because it is me that bitterly regrets saying such things in such exhaustion. I doubt we will be intimate again, I doubt there is a longevity in friendship, he is soon to take a family vacation, creating new memories with his loved ones. It is from then I think NC will start indefinitly. In the meantime I will speak to him only when he contacts me. I will protect myself.

    Posted 5 months ago #

30. debra61
    Member

    Helen...I have been experienced with your scenario too. I retreated with my head blown up with emotional fragments of confused flash backs paired with scenes of the "better firtatious liason's" I would advise anyone who has taken the ride to this side of affair town to put the breaks on poor self inner voice talk. When I told you to take a ride on Helen's Side of Town and look into where he took you, I was suggesting a peaceful outcome. I have to have contact with my heart burn...he lives a doorbell away from me - hence - I need to walk on the friendly side of the street. Guilt is a wicked beast who eats you up inside out. Guilt ridden, I took an overnight job working with diabled people and ignored my business dealings...downsized my business... restructured my life. I quit my job - today being my last night away from my husband's bed. He missed me and I began to miss him too. Yes, we have issues but I am not easy to live with at times either. I am manically driven then I get overwhelmed and take a hibernation then suddenly I find myself in a creative mood then work dilligently to process my projects as uniquely as possible. Hb growns me...the other man pumped me up to full throttle. Yes, if I wanted to live at full throttle then yes, it would be great to go into old age with a big bang of drama...but, what is at home is real - what I loved mostly in the other is his creativity not his sex. My husband is better in that department because the connection is over 22 years old. I still have the aching for what could have been with the Italian - but my mental play on his stage may not be produced as pleasantly as I would soap it up to stage. I do not alway's wear my Vickie Secret undies...everysooften, I pin my hair up and wear scrappy clothes to paint my artful furnishings and wow yesterday I wreeked with BO...Hb got the portable spa together and ran me an overly bubbly bath and told me my tits looked incredible floating in the bubbles. Would I have had the same experience with me biscotti. He normally ignores his woman and spends all of his time at his studio talking to God knows who. He is fun to visit - not sure I want to live there. If I had the life of Purplelily then I would be a happy camper. I can compartamentalize this idea of two seperate lives. I would love to be the women sitting in the back of the church crying for my loss...I have grieved him last year - perhaps this a step to a long term affair. I can see his crazy self getting over the guilts - I am! PEACE

    Posted 5 months ago #

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