Update To My Story - and as always - Need Advice

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Update To My Story - and as always - Need Advice

(15 posts) (6 voices)

Started 8 months ago by
Latest reply from francesca

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Here was the first part of my story: http://www.doccool.com/discussion/topic.php?id=488

Sorry folks - changed my name on you all.

Update: L & I have been seeing each other on a pretty regular basis. New Years Eve his brother had invited me to his family's party which I went to. It was all of L's family and a lot of their friends. L was working late but I had a great time talking to and meeting everyone. For 3 1/2 hrs I kept hearing remarks (especially from his 3 sisters) that they are expecting L and his ex wife to get back together any day and it is so obvious that they are in love. I didn't say a word. I was there as a friend of the family not as L's date or his love interest or anything. One of L's brothers and one of his good friends (who walked in on us one night) know about us. Noone else in his family knows for certain but I think they suspect.

When L got in around 10:30 he called and I drove the 1/2 mile from his brother's home to his. After he had taken a shower he came walking into the living room and I asked him to hold on. I told him about hearing all the comments about he and his ex wife and I also told him that I think some members of his family have a problem with me being white. I told him that I cared enough for him to bow out of our affair/relationship so that I would not come between him and his family nor he and his ex wife.

(Read between the lines folks - I am in love with him majorly.)

So I turned and grabbed my purse and went to leave, turned back and gave him the biggest kiss and told him I know you don't want to hear this but I am in love with you. And ... I left.

About 45 minutes later I get a call from him asking me did I make it home ok - and with the police out in force on New Years Eve I hadn't as I was driving very cautiously. He told me he was not letting me bow out that he loved me too and he would call me the next morning.

He called Friday morning and told me he was off and did I want to come out and go horseback riding - so I went. We rode horses for a few hours with some of his family and had a great time. Afterwards we ate lunch he and I and then we spent a couple of hours making love which was totally incredible and no this is not the first time we were intimate. More like the 7th or 8th time.

I left and went back home and then got jumped all over by my long term partner that I am working to long of hours. You see I was at a work function New Years Eve and was working on New Years Day (wink; wink). And he does not think I want to be in this relationship. He claims I have changed in the last 6 months. My "husband" has been having dreams on a regular basis that he has died. And he tells me when he wakes up that I will be taken care of for life when that happens.

So has anyone ever fallen head over heels in love with their love affair partner? And what do you do?

I know my situation is a little bit different from most of you on here but I don't know who else to ask.

Posted 8 months ago #
Anonymous
Unregistered

I would really like the skeptics response to this.

Posted 8 months ago #
the skeptic
Member

Hello !
I am flattered that you are requesting my thoughts on your situation !!!

You like me have a spouse, in my case she is legally my spouse, that has a degenerative disease. My wife was diagnosed with MS. whether or not it will ever develop into a full blown disease, we dont know. I dont imagine ever being able to leave her, just could not .

Now I dont know how you would plan or want to or what kind of relationship you expect to have with your chocolate candy?. I am not racist in any way shape or form as I have dated out of my race before.
Do you ever envision yourself leaving your long term partner?
The first thing that you need to know is if there really is a chance for L to go back to his ex wife, reasons for the separation, and why they are going back, if in fact it is going to happen as most people seem to know.
Now I can tell you if most of the people in that family find out of your affair with him, you will not be viewed too well, which you should really not care about, but only if it cant go back to your long term partner. It there's a chance that he can find out, then I would say it is a pretty touchy situation.
So far i dont know how he(L) feels about you, has he expressed what you seem to be so easily able to express? What does your gut feeling tell you? Does he show you far more than tell you he enjoys spending time with you and seeing you?

You will need to elaborate a bit more for me to be able to see the big picture and give you my opinion. I am of the thought that i dont care what people say about me as long as the person I am with is happy with what we are doing , that is all I care about.
Your predicament is your sick partner. Again there I dont know what the situation is, if you can just part ways with him and start all over again elsewhere. Or is it any ties that bind you to him more than a marriage?

L is another issue. If he feels strongly about you, can you guys just continue on the current way of doing business and keep it all hidden from everyone?
I would strongly recommend to just keep the affair discreet, get to know each other better, and enjoy each others company. Just make sure you guys dont get carried away or get careless and someone else finds out.

Falling in love with a person you are having an affair with is very dangerous and painful sometimes. I really hope you know what is in Ls heart and mind, and not be wrong with what you really feel for him.

Tell me some of those unknowns and maybe I can shed a bit more of light that may help you clear your mind.

Until next time

Posted 8 months ago #
Anonymous
Unregistered

My long term partner is bi-polar and has rapidly degenerative MS. The first 3 years of our relationship were great then he started getting moody would quit his job for no reason and I started picking up the slack. This was all before we knew he was rapid cycling bipolar 2. Then came the slap, the punch, the kicks, the burns (I have facial and chest scars from the burns) and choking. At year 5 with the help of the Domestic Violence Shelter folks moved out while he was gone in 4 hours. He then went and got mental help and his diagnosis. One and half years later he convinced me he was better (he could sell ice to eskimos) and I bought it hook line and sinker and moved back in. Things were ok for a couple of years and then he started having an affair and also developed health issues. Still not working on my 42nd birthday he told me to move out. Once again I moved out within 4 days with me and my son. He moved his girlfriend in 3 days later. Apparently the bills started coming due and the lights were getting cut off, the water, etc... and all of a sudden he needed me again. And stupid that I am I moved back in so he would not lose the house. I have since paid off the house and I do pay all the bills. He has no financial support whatsoever. He is very attentive and apologetic at times and wants a full blown relationship and I play along with it. But inside of me I do NOT and am NOT in love with him anymore. I feel like the caretaker and the provider and whatever I do is never good enough. I even went to the doctor to have my hormone levels checked and everything in 2009 as I had absolutely 0% desire for him. No sex drive at all on my part. I care for him and would probably feel guilty if I moved out again as I know that financially he can't care for himself. Ok to be very honest if his mother passes away he will be extremely wealthy with his inheritance (millions) which in turn would go to me if something happens to him.

I had never cheated on him in those 13 years until now. Because I come in with a lot of businessmen daily I have been proposition I don't know how many times but was never interested until L. I have known L professionally for almost 4 years. It has never matter to me skin color however, I had never in my life dated someone other than my race. L is very much a very successful and driven businessman. He has a huge heart and goes out of his way to help everyone. He got a divorce from his ex wife as he was working all the time. That was when he was first getting his business up and running. She said he never had time for her.

I have gotten to know his family and they are not openly affectionate nor demonstrative. Instead they are the kind that show their affection and love by making sure that their partners have no need for anything materially. However, when you get L alone he is very demonstrative and is super gentle. He says he does not want to get married which is fine with me I don't want to get married again any time soon.

His family may realize what is going on but my partner won't as he is one of my larger business clients so it is nothing new for me to go out to dinner with my clients.

As of New Years Eve he told me he loves me. Now is that "in love" with me or just loves and cares for me (which I think is the case - my gut) I don't know. He said he loves and cares for his ex wife because of their history and that they will always be good friends but he will never ever be in a "relationship or in love" with her again as she doesn't understand him.

Why do I love him? He is reponsible, stable, very loving in private, has a huge heart, will give of himself to others with no end, makes me smile, makes me laugh, isn't critical, very independent personality, not a jealous person, Christian, and when he smiles at me - my heart starts galloping.

I fit in with his family with no problems (at least I do now without them realizing he and I are seeing each other), however, I don't know if he would fit in with my family at all. L is at heart a country boy and has a ranch with horses, 4 wheelers etc... My family has a lot of upper class snobs even though we grew up in the country on a farm.

I hope I gave you enough info. Let me know if you need more info.

Posted 8 months ago #
the skeptic
Member

Hello again !
I see a common denominator here, MS. Funny you mention MS and Bi-polar, wonder if both go together.

You can only do what you feel deep down inside you want to do. Nobody can really take your hand and help you make any kinds of decisions. From what i see you have endured something that many people would have divorced for. Yet you stuck around and beared all the burdens associated with his illness even financially. Quite remarkable !!!

Now you have an opportunity to be , hopefully , truly happy, as long as you and L are on the same page, which I really hope he mainly is, since you seem to feel you already are there. You see sometimes us men and women may love a person dearly, and yet get involved with someone else. I hope L doesnt think of the betrayal you are inflicting on your long term partner otherwise he may have the same thoughts I usually have as to , will she do it to me if we end up together?
I dont know if he would respond truthfully if you asked him directly that question, if the fact that you betrayed your long term partner would make him have second thoughts at a life with you. I really hope he can be honest enough. some people would not respond favorably to it, or may think it but not express it.
Overall I think you need to continue exploring that relationship, get to know him and him you, have fun as often as you guys can, and of course dont neglect the one at home, fake as much as you can. if it does get to a point where your situation at home gets unbearable then you need to think of a way to plan your exit.
I can imagine the thought has crossed your mind that if you leave your long term partner and if his mother and then he eventually passes you wont get a dime of the potential money that could come your way. We all are humans and cant help to think about these things, specially after all the money you have spent that he has not had to spend, and all the crap you have had to put up with.
Sometimes money is not everything. also you can wait forever until those events take place and be miserable by his side. Still you can keep L around to keep you entertained, and make the best of it.

Now Ls family will be another issue, once they find out about the relationship and they know you are involved, they may not look at you in a good light, and if L supports you, that will mean that he may have to distance from his family. That may be a heavy burden for him if he is attached to the waist with his family. Otherwise he can just ignore them and choose you over them ( i would hope) You already mentioned to him that you would be willing to move on if there's issues with family, which is a good thing so the ball will be in his court. Talk with him about what I am telling you and see what his responses are. Also ask him if he sees a future in your relationship. He already told someone, a sis of him I think you said that you were going to be his next wife, so who knows.

Now your family, another unknown. Same as his, if they dont see him favorably, you may have to distance yourself from them, and from what i see how you express about them i dont think you would have any problems putting distance between you and them.

Talk with him about these thing and then you will have a better idea as to how to proceed. Be careful with your feelings, because it is way too painful to love in vain or to love the wrong person. Let me know what happens.

Until next time

Posted 8 months ago #
Anonymous
Unregistered

Update:

After a couple more screaming episodes with my LTP I looked at him straight in the eyes this past sunday and told him I have had enough and I will be moving out as soon as I can find somewhere to live.

All of a sudden he starts crying and telling me he really loves me. So since Sunday he has made my lunch for me, cleaned the house, going through his pack rat stuff and tosses things, leaving me notes in my car that he thinks I am beautiful, etc... His mother and he are willing to transfer the deed into my name if I am willing to legally marry him and when I marry him, his mother will transfer a a large sum of money into my account to help with the finances.

If I do legally marry him then I would have to cut it completely off with L. L's requirements.

I am getting major pressure from my family to stay with my LTP and go ahead and get married. They do not know about L.

Have you ever just wanted to scream in frustration, aggravation, and confusion?

Posted 6 months ago #
the skeptic
Member

Let me start by telling you that you have a major decision to make here. The way I see it you have a chance to have a property in your name and some extra money to do things I am sure you could do with it , for expenses and other things for your personal life and perhaps your business.
Now this is the problem with many people in affairs, we are supposed to have them to fullfill a void in our lives, to get what we dont get at home, to fullfill our fantasies, enjoy it and have fun. But what happens, someone along the lines really screws up by falling in love and that for the most part ends all the damn happiness we set out to find and enjoy. Now this is what we all need to decide when getting in an affair, are we looking for a replacement for our significant ones or just someone to have what we dont have at home?. If we are looking for a replacement, then we need to be specific to it, explain that to the other person and advertise it that way, that we want out of our marriages and want someone to start all over again, otherwise we need to stick to the plan.
In your case , you could still continue the affair with L even being married to this guy, you would just have to be careful of course. If L has a problem with that, then perhaps L needs to be replaced, by someone that is more understanding and can see your predicament. You need to think about yourself right now, your life and your situation.
L is not gonna help you with the expenses you have in your business or at home.
There's not even a guarantee that L is going to be around for you later.
L is a variable, what you have at home is a constant. Treat it as an algebraic equation. What you have at home, even if it is not the best thing, is a tangible thing, and a house and some money will definitely help you a lot I am sure. If I were L I would care about your well being as much as mine or perhaps even more for you because I will know what you are going through. I dont know if he is the one who has told you that if you get married he will be out, that is what i understand from what you said about L's requirement. He is being selfish and not looking at what is a good thing for you. I would be understanding of your situation, and know how hard the decision must be for you.

Now if on the other hand you are just ready to leave not caring about the new incentive you are being offered to stay, then you just need to move forward into the great unknown that is L and roll the dice and take your chances.

We all need to really decide what we want when we get in affairs, if we want out, then look for that exit. I know many will say, well that is not the intention at first but then we get to love our lovers. Well then the joke's on the one who breaks the rules.
I understand you feel a lot for L but still your main responsibility in life is
YOU !!!! I dont know that when you got involved with L your intention was to find a replacement for your partner at home, I doubt it. I am sure you just wanted an escape to your daily routine. You have to take care about yourself more so than anyone else.
Always remember that when the going gets tough, some people run for the hills.
You have enough responsibilities in your life and in your business to take unnecessary chances.
It is up to you, you are the one who knows what is best for you.
I hope you can see it clearly.

Posted 6 months ago #
taizy8
Member

I hope you don't mind me giving an opinion here Londyn. I am not really someone to give advice as I am not exactly in the best situation myself.. only recently joined here. I am still married and where I live it will take a long time to divorce, luckily we have no kids or property, but I moved out 10 months ago and am still paying nearly all the bills as he is a post grad (mature) student and I am self employed with rapidly depleting savings. I just decided point blank that I would never live with him again. He is constantly getting sick and seems unable to look after himself.. It's not that I am being callous it's that he deals with life and other people in an incredibly needy way. He even brought attention to himself when my mother had a stroke. Your "sex" life with him sounds like mine .. I had even thought I was finished with it until I met the OM.LOL..I was only starting !!! He has threatened suicide and I had to spend so much time counselling him that he has wangled his way back in to my life that he still calls me almost every day. Thank God I live 200 miles away. He does know about the OM and that worries me, but I couldn't keep it from him, he just has a way of extracting information.

So what I would do is forget about the inheritance it comes at too high a price. Tell him and his mother that his inheritance should look after his illness and she can pay for a carer. I would look after yourself, you are not married .. don't let him and his mother turn you into a carer. You will be an old lady with the best years gone by the time it all ends. Get out and get your own place for your own head space, not for Mr L (even if he is very nice)... maybe give a little breather with him .. just a slow time. But find your "me" time/place and you never know what may happen. It is not being selfish, some people just suck our energy, believe me I am so happy even though I am so poor, I am just not living with the Ex any more. My OM and I are still meeting but taking it slow, getting our own work done. And being in a better place means that other doors are opened..... my sixpence.

Wishing you well.

Posted 6 months ago #
Memories
Member

Londyn, I think I agree with Taizy - the deal with the mother may come at too high of a personal price - home is where you make it and it can be such a better place if you are at peace with yourself and happy. What part of YOU would you have to give up in order to get what she's offering? Would it truly be worth it? Only you can really answer that question. I wish you the best sweetheart.

Posted 6 months ago #
Anonymous
Unregistered

L & I arranged a night away this past week and that night we talked for 3-4 hours straight and I told him everything that is going on. Since the blow up between me and my LTP, the LTP has been extremely attentive and "loving". He went and got a job the next day and miraculously seems to be in great physical shape to do a job requiring manual labor. Now he wants to pay all the bills etc... He has snooped into MY bank account - we have separate accounts and I have changed the passwords so he can't get into it any more. He also got into my cell phone records and informed me that L and I talk a lot late at night and early in the mornings. I managed to pass it off as business but still I think a prepaid cell phone is going to be purchased today.

My main problem is I don't trust my LTP at all. How can you go from being physically inable of cleaning a house to the next day doing a manual labor job? How can you go from being extremely critical and verbally abusive to "oh I love you and can't live without you" the next day? How can you expect me to believe this?

L and I discussed it all. The only thing L told me was that he did not want to be the cause of me leaving my LTP. If I leave it will be with no expectations of more than we have right now.

Speaking of the devil, as I was typing this response, L stopped by just to bring me some roses at work. He sat across from me grinning and smiling and it was only for 5 minutes but I now have the biggest craziest grin on my face from seeing him.

Money doesn't always buy you happiness.

Posted 6 months ago #
taizy8
Member

HI Londyn

I may have waffled a bit about my own story above here, but probably only to illustrate and give my experience, but one of the things that I have done that has helped the most is get therapy .. first several years ago and then when I was doing the breakup. My therapist helped me to see that I was dealing with a manipulative person. He would try all the games that you mentioned.. a lot to make me feel guilty to leave. I do believe he has a personality disorder.

Your LTP is out of order to snoop into your personal stuff .. affair or no affair. He is trying to control you. I hope you don't mind me saying that it looks like codependency here. Until you pull back and really see what he is doing and it seems like you are (though perhaps blinded slightly by roses :)) - and judging the way the mother is holding the inheritance over you all it obviously shows an inherited trait. I have know bipolar people and unless they are prepared to deal with it and learn to take care of themselves they are hell to live with. If there is loads of money hanging over him it has probably made him feel that he didn't have to work... so having you do it for him is kinda handy. He is waiting for Momy's pocket money.

Sorry if I seem blunt, but I've lived with crazy people and have had enough. You seem a really nice person and deserve happiness... don't feel guilty about your affair at all , after you've been through you sure need it.

keep well.

Posted 6 months ago #
Anonymous
Unregistered

I am going need to double my anti anxiety meds soon if this drama in my life continues. I got a "go-phone" last week after his snooping in my cell phones records. I had it hidden in "my car". My LTP has his own SUV and another car that we share. Well Sunday morning while I was sleeping he took my vehicle to have it cleaned and detailed and found the go phone. Came home and said nothing. Sunday night/Monday morning at 1 am he flips my bedroom light on and starts crying and screaming at me about me lying to him about the relationship with L and he loves me so much that he is going to let me go. He is going to get the money to buy me a house of my own, give me all the furniture in the house (hello - I paid for it all or it was mine prior to our getting together), I need to take the dogs with me. He has stolen money from me all these years and not been a good man. I wish I had a tape recording of the rambling thoughts and words from him. The last thing he said was "I am going to let you leave with everything as I am toxic for you."

So I have been fast asleep and have spent the entire weekend at home doing things around the house and I am looking at him all bleary eyed and after he finishes and probably not the wisest thing in the world for me to say at that point was "Make sure you get enough money to buy me a nice house of my own and turn the light off, I have to work tomorrow."

Then the tears and him on his knees on the side of the bed, "Don't I love him, etc..., etc..., etc..."

I am sorry if I seem insensitive but I can't live with this yo-yo stuff anymore. I want a house that is a sanctuary for me and I feel at peace and comfortable. At this point I don't care if I do end up by myself for the rest of my life. I want a SANE life.

I love that song by Mary J Blige that states "NO MORE DRAMA".

Am I truly being cruel to my LTP as he says I am?

Posted 6 months ago #
torchforRA
Member

yes, if you don't love him and you're carrying on an affair, you ARE being cruel. All of us that are doing this are being cruel.

if you loved him, you would leave him and hope that he finds someone that truly loves him as he deserves.

Posted 6 months ago #
taizy8
Member

Jeez, Torch ... you are being very unkind. Obviously you are angry yourself because of your situation and projecting it onto everyone else. You probably don't know what it is like living with an emotionally manipulative person or maybe you have been a difficult person yourself, or maybe this is your situation. And yes you seem to be particularly targeting the women on this forum. Perhaps you should examine your relationship with your wife and seek counselling to find out why you needed to have an EMA. . . and what you really want in life. I have to admire most of the people here and especially the women and their stories. I can see a mans perspective too as I have brothers and friends who have had difficult relationships... One of my brothers had an affair as he just felt trapped, they just clashed, he couldn't see any way out ... he eventually left and found a new life, hard at first, but he never regretted it and has a wonderful relationship with his daughters. He has done therapy too.

You are not putting me in any guilt trip.

Londyn.... sorry for hijacking your post . . . Your LTP sounds VERY needy.. he definitely has abandonment issues that you can never fulfill. He needs to learn to look after himself emotionally. You are probably dealing with your guilt over the affair by not leaving him abruptly. You may also have a fear of being on your own and want to jump straight from that situation into the arms of the OM.

wishing you well.

Posted 6 months ago #
francesca
Member

anonymous- I was found out by my hb in an almost identical way. While I was asleep one night, HB got my cell and went through it and found incriminating evidence, came and wake me up at 2am and was yelling and crying and accusing. Finally the truth was admitted. He knew the OM and wanted to tell his wife, but his wife of course already knew. HB and i hit rock bottom that day, and we are still working it out. the waking me up out of a dead sleep, when i had to be fresh at work the next am early for life- threatening work at that went on for a while, until i had to remove myself from the situation. moved out, tried the NC with HB, but it didn't work out too great, he just fell apart, kept doing everything he could to get me to come home. on and off contact. meanwhile, back at the ranch, things continuing with OM. both of us trying to figure out how to make it work, almost impossible since both spouses knew, but unable to let each other go. so we then went from a see each other every day kind of existence to now we have contact mainly by e-mail and phone. hardly any physical contact, few and far between. we still have an intense connection, in some ways more so, just not as physical or as often. But I digress. . . I wanted to say that i understand what you are going through with your spouse. same on this end. i just wanted to be able to go home at the end of the day and have a safe sanctuary. but going home alone got old. not exactly like OM available. then serious family illness intervened, OM's wife continued making both of our lives miserable. so i went home, and relationship got bumped back to these e-mails and phone calls, and we hardly ever see each other. so i have tried without hb and with, easier with----once he calmed down, quit becoming accusing, waking me up all hours of the night, etc. So a year after moving home, things better with hb, status quo with OM, still care deeply for each other, e-mails, phone calls, infrequent meetings, we both have to be very cautious. we are playing for our families. and the long NCs at times make things almost unbearable. But you do what you have to do. What I am trying to say, is that no one can live with someone waking them up all night with threats and accusations. But that being alone wasn't all it was cracked up to be. and not just because i was alone, but for how strange it made things with the children. grown or not, it was easier when we are together. so there are two sides to every coin, and we just have to line up the pros and cons, decides what are deal-breakers for us and then move on. Be thinking about you

Posted 4 months ago #

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