Thanks for the advice nys_co, londyn, brandy & skeptic. I'm not sure I could endure another affair. I truly have the bleeding heart syndrome. When I fall for someone I give all my heart, love, energy, kindness to them. It's rarely ever matched. I am going to focus on myself for a while. I've recently distracted myself since I'm working with the Red Cross, I'm organizing a benefit dinner for the Haiti disaster relief. I enjoy doing work like that, it gives me the same feel-good feeling that my affair did, but without the guilt and questioning. Plus, my life doesn't cater to having another affair, at least not at this point. My husband and I run a business, and we live in the apartment above our shop as of a few weeks ago. My office for my business is also in the same building. Needless to say, we don't get much time away from each other anymore. I'm finding consolation and happiness in the lack of drama, at least. Life is pretty flatline and boring, but it's manageable and at least I don't feel like shooting myself in the head. When I was trying to decide between my husband and my lover, I felt that way quite often. At least there's no life altering decision to be made and I can just "ride it out" with hubby, even if it's just cordial and nothing extraordinary. I think that's normal for people that have been together for 14 years.
As for my x, I've come to a lot of realizations lately. I've been getting back into my artwork, and it allows me to clear my mind. It seems that I'm getting a clearer perspective on how things really are with him and I do realize that everyone is right about the future of my relationship with him: there is none, but for my own sanity, not because it's not possible. Over the past month or so some of his friends have spoken with me about him. It's becoming increasingly clear that he is bi-polar in addition to possibly sociopathic and narcissistic. He does things, but does not take responsibility for his actions and says "that's just the way I am" as if he has no control. He has such high, euphoric idealistic times, and then such lows where he's irritable, mean and hates the world, shuts it out. I nearly went to school to become a psychiatrist, so this is actually fascinating to me. I did a lot of research, and he demonstrates all the clear signs of manic depression/bipolar. When we started our affair, he was on a high. I brought him out of his manic low. He would make references as to how I made him feel so incredible, etc. Then, when reality hit, that it couldn't last forever, he started slowly crashing back down to the low, low depression. During our relationship he made references to this girl that crushed him and how he thought he could never love again, etc. He always said that I was just like this girl. He let his break-up with this girl set him into a deep low in his depression for years. He speaks of it as if he was in war, or someone died. His response to how it affected him was not normal by any means. It still holds onto him, clearly. I do feel some comfort in knowing that he has his girlfriend to fall back on (see, this is how nice of a person I am, I'm actually concerned for his well being) She tend to not be the type that can bring him out of his lows like I was, because she is also introverted, shy and a lot like him, but she's more positive than he is at least.
I guess I feel lucky to have nearly escaped a life as full time psychiatrist. I think I've been drawn to people who need help or need to be fixed my whole life, hence my bleeding heart syndrome. I've decided that I should focus that energy elsewhere towards people and causes that I actually CAN help and are deserving of my help. I do feel as though I've hit an epiphany. I think I did help my x, and I hope that someday I can speak to him again to better explain why he's making himself so miserable. I can see it all so clearly now. He had to hurt someone that loved him more than he could imagine for that person to realize that he is not capable of fully loving or ever allowing himself to be happy. I feel like I've avoided a near-death experience with him. He could've sucked the life out of me.