NC, marriage, caught... what a mess... « Having A Discreet Affair

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NC, marriage, caught... what a mess...

(23 posts) (11 voices)

Started 7 months ago by Metro
Latest reply from purplelily

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Metro
Member

I was asked to post this as a new subject by NYS_co... Here it is. Can somebody tell me what "stbxOM" means and what "IRL" means?

New poster here... NC is my new buzzword. I decided I needed to do this to figure out if my marriage is worth saving. I was discovered by my HB a few months into the EMA but never stopped contact until now. If it's supposed to get easier every day something is wrong because it isn't. Every day I wake up with a little bit less resolve to stick to my promise to myself.

My HB and I are getting along fine. No fights now that there is no risk of me getting caught contacting the OM, but there is no spark, or passion or even a desire to hold hands with my HB. My HB wants to move forward, forgive and re-build. I want it for all the things around marriage that are reasons so many of you seem to stay in marriages that are lacking. I want my kids, my house, my life... I'm great friends with my HB but don't want anything else with him. Now that I know how good and passionate life can be, I almost feel spoiled to go back to what I had before the EMA.

So often I think about how I could have prevented getting caught, and the stupid chances I took. I wish I'd found this website sooner. Life might look a lot different if I hadn't been caught and was still able to have "both". Where I'm at right now though, I can't. I have to choose to either stay and find a way to be fulfilled and NEVER wander again, or leave to be on on own. No other choices here.

My OM is not asking to end contact but is supportive of what I need right now. There are no guarantees we will ever be together so he is not one of my "choices" in terms of outcome here, even though I care about him a great deal. I read so many similar stories on this board, but very few of you seem to have been caught and in this position of choosing. Life with my HB can be easy, comfortable and good... I know that. But - Can I live without passion? Can I be 110% sure I will never hurt my HB like this again, he doesn't deserve it. Can I make it on my own and will I be happier there? So many questions, this is so hard.

Any life experience on this board to help me understand this mess?

Posted 7 months ago #
bigheart_girl
Member

Metro-

Your story is mine, except, my husband never found out, and my X-lover decided not to continue because I didn't choose him. He started the NC. Now I am doing the NC and he's attempting contact on occasion.

Life with hubby is comfortable, we're friends, and easy-going. I'm unhappy with the lack of passion and excitement. I love and respect my hubby and don't want to hurt him, nor do I think he deserves what I am doing, but I do it anyway because my life feels void of passion and being in-love.

I am in the same boat as you. I'm pretty sure, if my marriage ended, I could get my X back (if I wanted to) I miss the passion, but he put me through a rollercoaster of emotion. My marriage is more like a slow train ride. I can deal with it, but I'm bored, and doing whatever I can to keep myself entertained. Right now, I'm just focusing on other pleasures, like my art, music, friends, traveling, movies, books, etc. because I have accepted that I may never feel that passion again. That makes me sad. The chemistry between my X and I was amazing...electrical sparks. I have finally come to terms with it being over with.

The NC doesn't get easier for a while. It really does help if you have something to be angry at them about, but it sounds as if your guy is really understanding. The best thing you can do is to think about his well-being. If you're OK in your marriage, maybe it's best to set him free so he has a chance to fully be happy. I'm trying to look outside of myself with my relationships and consider what's best for the other people. My X is with his girlfriend now, (and their relationship is dull and devoid of sexual passion) but he has a chance at something real, getting serious, possibly having kids, a future, etc. With me, I am married, I have a 6 year old, debt and a lot of joint responsibilities with hubby. He is free w/ a clean slate. Our positions in life are so different. We both said several times that life is about timing, and our timing is off. I do also consider the fact that my hubby might be happier without me. I think about this: would I want my hubby to stay with me if he didn't love me? feel passion for me? think about/fantasize about other people all the time? Would I want to be strung along? No. I definitely don't think so. I think we all suffer from wanting to have our cake and eat it too. Indecision. Being in mental limbo between our spouse and lover makes us never give ourselves fully to either, and that's unfair to both. I don't think I've ever been this selfish in my life. I know for myself, at this point, I'm better off alone (for myself and everyone else involved) I'm done with my X and I'm glad he's happy, and have been working on putting energy on my marriage, however the passion isn't there and I still think about being alone everyday. It's just not physically or financially possible at this time, so I'm just going to ride it out and see what happens in the next few months.

Hopefully my story gave you some insight. I don't have any clear answers. Time alone allows you to clear your mind. I recommend breaking away for a girls vacation or a solo vacation etc away from your hubby and lover.

Posted 7 months ago #
deepwater
Member

Posted 7 months ago #
nys_co
Member

Metro:

Hello again. stbxOM = soon to be ex other man. IRL = In Real Life. Sorry about that. I thought everybody (ha ha ha) was down with bulletin board abbreviations.

You can't regret getting caught. Some of us get caught eventually. Consider it part of the transgression of the self.

Hasn't your HB pushed you into marriage counseling yet? Most BS (betrayed Spouses) usually do that. Mine did. Somebody once said on another board "By the time you're in marriage counseling, the marriage is doomed." I tend to agree - but here I am.

You stated: "Now that I know how good and passionate life can be, I almost feel spoiled to go back to what I had before the EMA." Your life was somewhat enriched with a bit of sparkle and passion from the OM. Now that you have instituted NC, you are going thru withdrawal - withdrawal in the fullest sense of the word. No more contact with him is causing the pain of NOT seeing and hearing him. It hurts like hell.

You asked the following questions:

"Can I live without passion?" I couldn't - but remember what I wrote in another post - the ancient meaning of "passion" was "suffering". I missed the crazy high of physical contact with my stbxOM, but this downward NC - boy, it's painful and stressful.

"Can I be 110% sure I will never hurt my HB like this again, he doesn't deserve it."
No you can't be sure, for if you're like me (hopefully you're not) IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN because once the romantic spark has left with the DH, it's gone. I know there are people who manage to "recapture the romanctic spark" with their spouses, but I'm not one of them. There are ways to do that if you wish to try. But that is your decision.

"Can I make it on my own and will I be happier there?"

One has to think about "on my own". Living by yourself with your children (assuming you have them)? Living on your own in your own place? Living on your own salary? Many women who take the step to move out of the marriage get divorced and move on are quite happy and WOULD NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN. Some women leave but all they want to do is re-engage with another man. One has to be happy with the self before one can merge with another.

I'm always hearing "you are responsible for your own happiness". I like to believe that's true - but here's my question - HOW THE HELL DO YOU GET THERE?

Posted 7 months ago #
Metro
Member

Thanks for your thoughts nys_co. A few answers...

1) Hasn't your HB pushed you into marriage counseling yet? Most BS (betrayed Spouses) usually do that.
- Yes; we've been in counseling but it's all been individual. Nothing together yet.
- Nothing earth shattering for me in the sessions, but my HB has made some pretty amazing changes in his approach to life. He's a different being than he was before this happened. (In a good way.)

2) NC... it's tough and we've had one slip since we started. A few texts and a quick phone call to check in. Nothing has changed but it was nice to connect quickly.

3) Passion = suffering
- I don't think I ever would have believe that until I got in this situation. It's true... at least at this point in my life. Hopefully not always.

4) "Can I be 110% sure I will never hurt my HB like this again, he doesn't deserve it."
- This is one of my biggest fears. Like so many of the people on this board, I got married for good reasons. I wanted kids, he was a solid, dependable, caring man who came from a good family. I didn't think that passion mattered, and it was easy to ignore the fact that I had none. So, moving forward, I'm not in a position to "re-create" so much as to "find it for the first time". This is a very very hard position to be in. Can you end a marriage that is good on a lot of levels because a basic need is not being met. (A need I didn't know I had before the EMA.) I appreciate your honesty about this this nys_co. Very much so. This is something I think about often.
5) Can I make it on my own... It will be tough, but I have a good job and do OK. We are managing financially together, on my own it won't be as easy. One thing I really worry about even more than money is missing my HB's friendship. We talk frequently throughout the day or text. The thought of losing that is terrifying. Brandy made a new post saying she thinks her and her HB can be friends after they part ways. That is a dream... I'm not sure it would be a reality though. I do have kids but they are in high school. I think I could be very happy alone. Getting there means causing a whole lot of hurt for everyone around me, including myself. That is a harsh reality.

Your final point... HOW THE HELL DO YOU GET THERE is PERFECT. You have nailed the plight of most of the people on this forum. I keep getting asked "what do I want". I hate that questions. I want it all. I want the family package and I want my EMA. I can't have it all. At some point a decision needs to be made. My HB and I are doing well right now with the NC rule in place. There is no tension in a house without lies. What a difference. It hasn't made my need / desire / drive to contact the OM go away at all though. Hopefully soon.

It seems like there are so many of us here who have the exact same story. Change around names, location, opportunities... but fundamentally the stories are the same. Most of us are messed up on one level or another with clear answers really hard to come by. I know I can't keep living like this. I need to make a choice soon. Be alone or be married. Neither meets my needs at this point... thus limbo-land hell.

Posted 7 months ago #
Brandy
Member

Metro... A few thoughts came to mind after reading your post. First it almost sounds like your marriage is getting better as your hb is making some amazing changes you like. So there is a possibility that you will fall in love with him for the first time! Second, being caught didn't drive your marriage apart right away. So it seems the affair served as a wake-up call for you both. Third most people here are very fearful of the affair being exposed (except nys_co). But in reality most cases where one's caught did not end the marriage. There many heartaches and headaches, but some like yours don't seem as bad as people fear. You felt the tension gone when things came to the open. I think you are in a healthy situation. About being friends with spouse after, I've seen people doing it. Although the contacts will be reduced a great deal. First you just don't have as much content to share, second if one finds a new partner, the other will step back out of respect. But if you split on an amicable term, this is a gradual process. You are one step ahead of many of us out of the limbo land. Hang in there.

Posted 7 months ago #
nys_co
Member

Metro:

Brandy is right. We always assummed, prior to the D-Day of the EMA, that once somebody has an EMA, it's O-V-E-R. But that's not the case. Let's ask Elizabeth Edwards about that...

That's nice that your HB is changing. Maybe you DID HIM A FAVOR - now, that's a different take right there.

I too have seen people be on friendly terms after a Divorce. It's all how you handle it. If it's done civially with BOTH parties agreeing to part AMICABLY - why should it be frought with pain, agony, accusation, etc?

The only thing - for women mostly - is when the divorced H moves on and finds another woman. When that happens, many women find they are hurt by that - how fast a man can move past his relationship with you. Men tend to jump right into another relationship after a divorce or separation or break up. I'm sure people can tell me I'm full of it, but it's been my private observation.

I'm like you - I can't keep on living like this even tho my EMA is out in the open. I don't know what's worse for me - knowing I could walk out the door tomorrow, never look back at my HB & DS (HB does not work - I'm the primary care giver - what a shitty thing for me to do)- give HB EVERYTHING. What's worse for me at this moment is knowing I have to part with my stbxOM. The 2nd time around is far worse than the first time around.

Try to read Michelle Langley's "Living in Limbo" - http://www.womensinfidelity.com That really opened my eyes - a few of us have mentioned that book before. Limbo-land - you only change when you WANT to - when the pain of remaining exceeds the pain of staying.

One of these days I'll get up off my duff too - but for now...

Posted 7 months ago #
bigheart_girl
Member

My husband has also changed for the better, but I do have a hard time forgetting the past and the passion isn't there. For now, it's comfortable and easy, so I've decided to stick with my marriage for the time being. He has no clue about my affair, but it's over.

Posted 7 months ago #
bigheart_girl
Member

wow... nys_co: that article is so very accurate!

"Women at Stage 3 may also be experiencing the ending of an extramarital affair, and the ending may not have been their decision. They may have been involved with single men who either lost interest because the relationship could not progress or who became attracted to another women who was single.. Women whose affairs are ending often experience extreme grief. They may become deeply depressed and express tremendous anger toward their husbands. They are typically unaware that they are experiencing chemical withdrawal due to sudden changes in their brain chemistry. As a result, many will feel that they have missed their chance at happiness due to their indecisiveness." (That's my story & exactly how I felt. I feel as though I wrote that article!)

I am in state 3, and I did go through everything she described. I was in my late 20's when it began too. I became aware of the chemical reaction when my X started treating me poorly, yet I still had these feelings of love for him. THAT is when I started asking myself if I was crazy! So I did some research and sure enough... that euphoria is a chemical reaction that our genetics play on us to procreate and have babies! We become addicted to the person we're attracted to. Now that it's over, I'm in stage 3. I'm dealing, but my life is boring, affair is over (as is contact with X) hubby is boring, etc. I'm become a recluse in my art studio working on projects into the wee hours of the night. That's keeping me sane.

Posted 7 months ago #
nys_co
Member

Bigheart_girl:

I saw myself in those stages too. The main difference is, when I re=engaged with the stbxOM, I KNEW it was of an addictive quality, yet, like the good, practiced addict I am, I thought I would be able to maintain the emotions. Never mind being celebate for 6 years...

Glad you found the website interesting. You may want to read the book - it's poorly written IMO - but the information is utterly mind blowing. You'll see yourself and your EMA in total focus.

Posted 7 months ago #
bigheart_girl
Member

I'm aware of the chemical addiction now too, but know myself well enough to know that if I had intimacy with him again, the feelings would follow. I do still care for him, there's no denying it, but he doesn't deserve me. It's not worth the risk of devastating my life anymore.

The hard part is reading a book like that being married. It could totally out me! They need to disguise it by calling it some kind of cheesy romance novel not "WOMEN'S INFIDELITY" really big on the cover with a wedding ring! ha!

Posted 7 months ago #
Metro
Member

The book... the book. I read it and my husband read it. It is now our "bible" except it isn't fixing anything. I know on an intellectual level what I am supposed to do. I'm "supposed" to stop all contact. I'm "supposed" to re-commit back to my marriage, my life, my home. I'm "supposed" to find all those feelings that have slowly dwindled away over the past few years because he was miserable and I pulled away. I became miserable too. Then I had an affair, blew up our "peaceful but miserable" existence, and here we are in counseling spending crazy $'s to try to "fix" us. I have tried to stop contact. I've made the promise to do it, and when I say it, I mean it. But I break down. I break down. Failure could be a way to describe it. Then I find out that my HB has been spying on my for the better part of a year and knows way more than I believed he did. He is addicted to spying like I'm addicted to contact with the OM, who I don't see, only text and talk to on rare occasions. My children are the most important thing in the world to me. I hate my HB for the spying, but also can't blame him. Would I be so different in the same situation. Maybe not. The cycle of anger continues. I think we're turning things around because there is calmness in our home believing contact with the OM isn't really hurting anything. Then a bomb goes off and we're at each other again. This isn't limbo, it's hell. The "book" is the tale of my life; perhaps the tale of most of our lives. Is it a fucking epidemic that middle aged women get unhappy with their lot in life and seek happiness elsewhere? If we can stumble through these hard years, will we end up happy in the place we think we want to leave. No amount of hours in the therapists chair are giving me any answers. What do "I" want. What will make "me" fulfilled"? The answer to those questions is not what everyone around me wants to hear. Sorry for the rant. It's been a really long day.

Posted 7 months ago #
Memories
Member

I ask myself those same questions sometimes Metro and then feel guilty that I am possibly being selfish - that I cannot be thinking only about my happiness. But you know something a wise woman once told me - "no one else around you, including your children, will be happy in life if you are miserable. So to ensure everyone's happiness you have to make sure you are happy first". That woman was my mother and goddamnit I believe her and I think I will do well to follow her advice. At the same time I try very hard to not have my happiness hurt anyone else if I can prevent it.

Posted 7 months ago #
Brandy
Member

Metro...The questions you are asking and the answers you are looking for have been on my mind, too much. The book said talking to your spouse is the way to break out of the limbo. Apparently it's not as simple in reality. I read the book almost a year ago amd have been mulling over to tell or not to tell for quite a while. Especially now I feel the affair is really over, I should really try to have an honest relationship with hb. But the arguement again telling still has some merit - not causing unecessary hurt. Can we really get back into our marriage and become truely happy? Bigheart and Deb all seem to be doing much better by themselves. But the marriage is another story. Anybody has a happy marriage turn around story?

Posted 7 months ago #
debra61
Member

Happy? What culminates happieness? If I present a happy atmosphere by doing what it takes to make me "happy" then I am making myself happy. Not HB making me happy

What do you think ladies...the reason why we seek the new "love interest" is due to unresolved lack of enthusiasm from our spouses...temporary as it may be our spouses once threatened by an intruder work very hard to get us to stay and love them and when the coast is clear - they are couch bound on a ride through limbo land...if we choose to sit next to them we are in the same slow boat to nowhere's ville that we lived with in...therefore Pleasantville with it's rollercoaster ride sends us off the slow boat and into the fast hurtful lane that got us to go back to the slow boat...Life is one amusement park...is it not.

Posted 7 months ago #
sexlessintx
Member

debra, I really enjoy your posts. Most are so poetic, you are quite talented! I hate to break up this hen fest but I was really taken by your comments above. I had never heard of our spouses lack of interest in us put this way..."unresolved lack of enthusiasm", that is so funny, and so true. "Lack of enthusiasm" that kind of nails it.

Life is so short, i've been married over 25 years now, I now wish I had, had an ema many years ago, I would be much happier today. Metro, if the ema makes you complete don't give it up. I don't think you can reignite the home fires once there out.

Posted 7 months ago #
debra61
Member

sexlessintx: Thanks...Wit is my defense mechanism. Dwelling on the pain of rejection - loss or desires that bleed anxiety are like putting a harness on an old mare that needs to be sent out to pasture. The remedy is to find a fresh crisp horse to ride on a sunny day in spring. If the EMA lover is guilt ridden via worn out from our vigor then time to walk over to a new pasture to look at the young studs elsewhere...for one of the shoes you put on will bring lots of sugar filled day's ahead with a new ride...
There is most definately the "right" man for us all out there. I read the posts on Craig's List...there are tons of Men who have never found the "right" women who may be the horse that your shoe will fit. A " Sad - Sack - Mantra " only leaves you with horses that would rather be out with the other riders instead of teasing and nuzzling you. Forgetaboutem...Fresh approach - open smile - music - light and laughter and you are back in the staul ready to race. Giddy UP Bronko RIDE - Do not for get your chaps Lady Godiva. Yes, Men like long hair...grow it or weave it in - Long Hair is in! Especially a whispy ponytail...Go Trigger Go... deb

Posted 7 months ago #
Metro
Member

"...temporary as it may be our spouses once threatened by an intruder work very hard to get us to stay and love them and when the coast is clear - they are couch bound on a ride through limbo land...if we choose to sit next to them we are in the same slow boat to nowhere's ville that we lived with in..."

I don't know the man I'm living with now. He talks different, he says sorry, thank you, makes noises I don't recognize. He's so afraid to move the wrong way that nothing feels "normal" even though we haven't had a blow in a while. It's the "normal dance" that is nothing but normal. Debra... you nailed it.

I have found myself getting sadder and sadder as the realization of what I need sinks in. Right now everything I say and do is to ease my hb's pain. I don't want to hold his hand, but I do. I don't want to say "I love you", but I do. I feel dead inside, even though I've had no contact with the OM for a while now. He is still very much in my thoughts, too much to be honest, but there's been no contact. I'm slowly moving towards making a change and I'm so sad.

On the surface I created this mess by having the EMA AND by getting caught. I get so frustrated that "we" (HB and me) often forget what got us to that point. He is trying so hard to keep "us". I can't imagine not having our "routines" right down to holidays, chores around the house, someone to back me parenting. I want those things, but I also want to feel more than kindness and almost pity for a man who would do anything for me.

I'm crawling towards the answer; towards what I need. There will be a cascade of pain behind me if I get the courage to act on what I need. That's the really hard part. The OM... I wish I could see him, but he can't be a part of this picture. He doesn't want to anyway.

At some point I will feel happy again. It can't stay this way forever... it just can't.

Posted 7 months ago #
nys_co
Member

Metro:

I'm so sad for you, for you are living as I am, or have lived, for at least the last ten years. Very true - HBs change up once the OM has been exposed. Yet here I stay.

Do you know what an EMA really is? A shot of cocaine to us. We THOUGHT that the sexual part of ourselves was dead. We THOUGHT we could live with ONE MAN our entire lives, that that would be enough. That is what we were TAUGHT to think and feel and to live. Well, as I sit here today, in my same sexless marriage, I've got a newsflash IT'S ALL BULLSHIT. At least for me. Yet here I stay.

What you wrote above about the HB spying on you, you guys going thru the motions faking the emotions - that sounds more like a prison cell than rooms in a house. Do you think, as I think, that if you could step outside the prison cell - get your own place - that you may feel better? That the sun will shine again? I'm not saying walk out of the marriage - just get your own space. I've thought about it, but thinking isn't doing.

Making a change takes more than thought. It takes planning. It takes effort. But most of all IT TAKES ACTION. Thoughts are cheap. Actions are pricelesss. You can live forever feeling sad, knowing things have passed you by in life, and by that point, you may be too old to make a change.

Perhaps your xOM gave you a gift. Did you a favor - in a back handed way. He allowed you to see you were NOT happy as you were. He has given you an opportunity - you can think about what YOU need to be content - and if you are content - the rest of your family will be content also.

This is a healthy statement: "The OM... I wish I could see him, but he can't be a part of this picture. He doesn't want to anyway." It's never really about the OM. It's truly about us and where we want to be. Once we make the decision to do something, it's always about US, not about him.

And it's all so frigging hard.

Posted 7 months ago #
Metro
Member

Thanks NC... I really value your posts and many of the others that are shared here. In my head I know that any decision I make has to be made for me without any thoughts of the OM. In my heart things don't separate out that cleanly. It's a muddled mess in there. I talked to the OM a week ago. He talked about his marriage and he feels there is a bit of an opportunity to maybe fix things. He also talked about how much he cares for me, how special what we've had has been etc etc. (I'm sure you get the gist.) He has always told me right from day 1 that his goal is to stay in his home even though he's not happy there. He's been nothing but honest. During this talk though the reality hit me that I'm a bit of an insurance policy. He wants to maintain some contact with me, but wants to see if he can rebuild things at home. If that goes well I'm out. I felt very disposable. I was interested in a recent thread on this forum about the same topic. I meant to keep my heart out of the EMA. I screwed up and it got involved.

In reality though, if I look at this from a very honest place, the OM did give me a gift. He showed me a part of me that I thought was dead; or maybe that never really found life before him. It's addicting, like the shot of cocaine you talk about, and also not real EVEN THOUGH it can feel SO real at times.

The action you talk about... that is the hardest part. My HB and I are so intertwined on so many levels. Starting to unravel those miles and miles of rope is going to take time, energy, emotions... it's very scary. So scary. It also dissolves all that I know. My entire world will change as will the lives of my children. What we have is not terrible. It's functional, and can be very kind and supportive. We are in the same boat as most people on this forum... my marriage lacks passion and intimacy and over time those things have created a downward spiral of feelings.

If I was a machine I could turn my feelings back on. Move back into my marriage with a happy committed heart knowing it's the best place for everyone around me. I'm learning I am not (a machine) and the sadness of my newly identified reality is building.

Taking action is the direction I think I'm headed... but it takes an immense amount of courage to leave something that on so many levels is good. You are right though, on so many levels it feels like a prison. My HB does not want to make it be that way, but he can't help himself and I can't blame him. Every time he spies, I get caught.

My action needs to be 2 fold. End all contact with the OM. He seems to be headed in that direction very much. He's not making much time to try to talk and I'm sensing distance. I have written a letter in my head a lot of times where I tell him my thoughts; that I feel like a "back up plan". It's been swell. Thanks for the good times and the lessons learned. Have a good life. I need to write that letter and stick to it.

Once that is done I can maybe get a clear picture at home and see if my lack of feelings is because I have the OM in my head all the time. (Or a lot of the time anyway.) I lived for a LONG time without passion; maybe it won't matter in the future as much as it seems to matter now. My gut is telling me though that it does matter, and my happiness, my "light at the end of the tunnel", will only be found once I'm on my own. Once I take action.

It is such a terrifying place to think about going in so many ways, and it also creates so much relief to imagine taking those steps. What a double edged sword.

NS... I have to ask. You understand yourself SO well. What keeps you home. What has kept you there for 10 years knowing you are not fulfilled and not happy. What are the road blocks to your action? I know how sad you are... I wish we could sit down, have a coffee, and talk. Not much of a reality though.

Thank you for your thoughts. I hope you have more to share. I hope all of you have more to share.

Posted 7 months ago #
torchforRA
Member

These things...these EMAs...they change us profoundly and forever...for some, looking over the edge of the abyss and seeing what that looks like as a divorced person snaps them back to reality.

Some run back to their marriage for the security. Some are actually snapped into a new reality and find new joy in their marriages.

Some end up forever back in the same spot where they were before they started the EMA, but now with a memory of "what could be". Forever chasing a brass ring that is never quite grasped.

And some...like me...feel forever damaged. Something profound was felt, yet in the aftermath, something has died too. Something that feels like it will never come back.

You say your OM gave you a gift by showing you how you COULD feel about someone else and yourself.

I see it as a curse. A glimpse of Valhalla that was perhaps half true, half mirage. I now seek what I cannot have. And certainly questionable as to whether, even if obtained, could be sustained.

If I could turn back the clock, I never would've started. The price was not worth it.

I thought I could keep it all compartmentalized. Have the home life. Have the love life that burns like fire. but it's a lie. The compartments get blurred, cracked. They spill into each other. When I was at the zenith of the EMA, I was never MORE dissatisfied at home. I couldn't say "I love you". I had a hard time "performing" in the marital bed. I was so high yet so low. It confused. It consumed. All in all, it wasn't really what I thought it would be.

But the one thing I DO know is that you can't turn back the clock. And these things cannot pass through our lives without changing us in deep and permanent ways.

I'm trying to shore up my marriage. In some ways things ARE better. But in others, I know that it will never reach what I had...or what I THOUGHT I had...

I can only hope that I reach a level of "better" and "good enough"...and happy with what I do have in front of me which is more than I had in the OW -- a loyal, honest and open partner who loves me and would never leave me.I hope less to "go back" to the way the marriage was as to create a whole new relationship with her. Something different. Something more open and honest. Something more satisfying. I don't know how possible this us, but, for myself, I must give it a shot.

I heard this in a movie. It rang so true to me:

Life is not the movies. Everybody lies. Good guys don't finish first.

And love does NOT conquer all.

To all of you, I bid peace.

Torch

Posted 7 months ago #
Broken heart
Member

Hi Torch, I am the woman, not the other woman... After 30 years of marriage, breakfast in bed every day, surprises when he expected it the least... he had 2 affairs, hoe stupid can a man be to think that a young poppie that could be his daughter will keep up with an older man, he was there to "comfort" her when she wanted to commit suicide, she work at the red Bank, we had to take her for a week end to Nylstroom to show how we appreciate her services - yes - together in a bed - she overloaded him with gifts - he didn't care that our girls knew about all this. Second poppie on a platter was servicing the guys in blue and was sent to every possible station to get rid of her and her sex addictiveness. When she decided to be my friend I should have known. Condoms in bookcases where anybody can take out a book,sex on the desk, trips where she was lying and scheming, get her friends to call me anonomously, sex in Durban hotels while the boys in blue were suppose to work - yes on their backs - with the cheapest woman they can get, ons who doesn't care to service every pair of pants that drop.I caught them out - how - while she was drunk she told me all about it!! Ha-ha how weird. Today she is servicing the guys in brown in the Northern Cape - I wonder if they know hom many men she had sex with - lying scheming adultresses that doesn't care what they do. Well, for the past 3 years everything changed - I get overflowed with love, gists, eveything I want and even don't want. Today I don't even trust him even if he is standing before me, I don't love him anymore, I don't hate him, I don't care. Not even the car he bought me cash doesn't mean anything, all the love he gives, doesn't help, nothing can repair the hurt and harm that was done to me and my daughters 28,24,21, 16 - they know about a cheating man and is ready for life because they grew up with this. His present love - sorry it can never mend a broken heart - IT IS TOO LATE.

Posted 7 months ago #
purplelily
Member

Broken heart, thank you for posting this. That is a cold shower/wake up call for all of us, to see things through the other woman's eyes. I am sorry for your pain and for your daughters. It sounds like you took really good care of him for a long time and he blew it over some slut.

My husband has had many affairs on me, for many years, probably since we were first married. He e-mails, texts and facebooks his many girfriends from our house when I am in another room. I used to care, I used to cry, plead and make demands. I lost weight, tried to excel more at work, whatever, but he continued on. I realized that I will never be enough for him (and I've told him that many times). So I am like you, I feel nothing, I am cold, I really don't care anymore. If he left me tomorrow, my only concern would be for the children involved. But I've decided to stay for my kids, so I have no one to blame for the ongoing misery except for myself.

I am lucky now because I've been love with someone else for many years now, and he fills in the blanks for me, the missing puzzle piece. We accidentally bumped into each other, I wasn't looking at all. I don't want to get divorced but sometimes I do wonder if my kids should see me happy and in love as opposed to a little domestic robot in a business relationship with their father.

I also can imagine the pain my lover's wife would feel if she found out about me/us. We started up before he got married to her. I am not proud that I let myself get involved with this man, fell madly in love with him (is that something you can stop, not sure?) and continued after the wedding, but I don't think I can walk away from him now. As time goes by, it's much harder, he is a big part of my daily life and I hope somehow a part of my future, even if it has to be a secret forever.

Anyhow, I hope you find a man that treasures you and fills in your missing puzzle piece.

Posted 7 months ago #

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