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told my wife

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Started 6 months ago by Fallen01
Latest reply from dancing.star

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Fallen01
Member

I've been married for 20 years to my best friend, who also happens to be beautiful. We have three children. I thought I was very happily married. Last summer a work friendship with another woman I respect a lot built over 5 years suddenly took a turn towards an emotional affair and then a physical one. We fell in love. We had ridiculously good sex. She's married too, with 2 kids. For months I lurched between bliss and high anxiety. I never thought I would have an affair, ever. The bond we have is intense, whether its the drugs or not. We are frankly more compatable than my wife and I, and I'm more attracted to her not just because it's new and forbidden, but just because the way she is. Finally it became too much and I had to tell my wife that there was someone else and that I thought I might leave the marriage to be with her. That was two weeks ago. The EMA has stopped ... but it is not ended. I miss her.

I want to be with my lover and that's why I told my wife about it. I'm in that grey zone between renegotiating what's left of a long, otherwise successful marriage and moving towards the woman I had the affair with. No one who knows me and my wife would have expected this. I'm grappling with all the statistics, the stuff about how the affair impairs your judgment, and the large circle of family and friends that is wondering WTF I'm doing because they can't imagine why I would leave this marriage. And of course I have doubts about WTF I'm doing, leaving my happy family and good setup for a new thing with someone I've intensely bonded in such a short time. I'm older (all involved are in their 40s), I know what I want, I've known and respected my lover for years, and as soon as the EMA started I recognized immediately what had been missing from my life before I met this person. Yeah I could go on with my wife, we have a good thing, but I'd need my memory erased, because now I know what could have been. Now I know maybe I did compromise too much way back when. Now I want to be with the other woman so so badly that I'm having a hard time focusing on processing this disaster with my wife.

In my heart I hope I end up with my lover. (She's already separated from her husband, btw.) I fear that the pressure from appalled family and friends, and the ease of my current life otherwise, will scare/lull me back to my marriage. If I stayed, it would have to get better, but I KNOW now it just would never be as good as it is with my lover. I just don't know which I would regret more: hurting my oldest, best friend and making my life all complicated and different, while being with this incredible woman, or turning away from my lover forever - FOREVER - and wondering how it could have been and whether I was really very happy anymore.

At least I feel alive ...

Posted 6 months ago #
cantbelieve
Member

How did your wife react? Does she want to try to make it work?

Your story sounds very similar to others on here and I am sure there will be a lot of advice for you.

Posted 6 months ago #
purplelily
Member

fallen - well there are many of us out here in long term (many years) affairs that will probably weigh in. I have to say straight up that confessing an affair is one of the most selfish things - i am sure you feel better to have it off of your chest, but now you've made a lot of other people feel very, very badly.

First of all, I think it is a bad idea to leave your marriage specifically for another person, especially early in an affair. I know you've know this woman for a long time, but an affair takes your breath (and your ability to reason and think clearly) away!!!
You do crazy things like tell your unsuspecting wife of 20 years "I've finally found my soulmate", devastating words to the woman that has helped you succeed in your career and raised your family while you are out "finding yourself" only to leave her as a single parent to 3 kids. I know you say you'll be involved with them, but here's how it looks to everyone else - you are abandoning all of them.

Plus did you say you're doing drugs together? That definitely influences your decisions and would make what you have a little "artificial", don't you think?

Your 3 kids now think you've been living a lie at home with them, does daddy really love us, why did daddy hurt you, etc - their idea of marriage and love is trashed. You need to fix all of the havoc you have wreaked.

So my first piece of advice to you is yes you are in your 40s (I am too), but grow up and get control of your emotions here - this is not just about YOU, this is about 4 other innocent people. YOU can leave, YOU can do whatever you want, obviously, but YOU need to handle them with kid gloves. You feel giddy about your newfound love and the future, but everyone around you is feeling horrible.

Damage control - #1 - you should never leave your marriage specifically for a lover. You should leave because you are unhappy, you want different things, you are having irreconcilable problems, etc. Get a new storyline.

Damage control #2 - your wife is a big girl and she can handle this, but your kids need help!! Do not expect them to understand, to support your decision, to love you the same way - everything in their world has changed. You've pulled the rug out from under their stable life. They need counseling, they need support, they are your legacy. They are #1 here, NOT you.

I would not run straight into this woman's arms. If you move out, get your own place and "date" her like a normal relationship. If you specifically leave your marriage for her and it doesn't work out (these things often don't - look at the stats and talk to our friend Cheri out here who left her husband, married the "other man" and is now in the same predicament) - you will beat yourself up for the rest of your life. You can never go back home.

I know this is tough love, but the deal is that my lover and I are both in failing marriages and we stay because of our children, we will do this on our terms, when the time is right and with a safety net and good plan for our kids, us and our spouses. Some of the board members are doing that right now, like livinginthemoment. I agree that none of us are getting any younger, but you have to keep an eye on what is truly important in life and handle them (the innocent people involved) in the right way.

Sorry I have to beat you up here! I am sure you will think you've taken a better path than the rest of us, since you are one step closer to permanently being with your affair partner. The longer I am in my affair, the better I get to know my man - I have good insight into how he deals with big issues in life, what kind of parent he is, how he treats his parents, how he feels about things and issues that are important to me. Of course the sex and friendship are both amazing and the best I've ever had, but it's these other things that form the foundation and sustainment for the relationship.

Well I wish you luck and hope some of this helps.

Posted 6 months ago #
purplelily
Member

Can'tbe - why should he wife try to make this work - the burden isn't on her - the guy didn't even present a list of what was wrong in the marriage! She's beautiful, a good mom, and they were in a long, successful marriage and she WAS his best friend. Sounds like she didn't do anything wrong. She's just being compared to this "superwoman" now how seems to have everything Fallen wants. Do you expect her to be desperate and beg? Change her looks, wardrobe, buy a bunch of sex toys? She doesn't need to feel badly about herself at all.

Plus you don't tell your spouse "I think I'm leaving you" - at that point it's too late, in her mind, your gone. The trust is gone, everything. No going back!

Posted 6 months ago #
Cheri
Member

Well all I can say now is 'WOW" I have to think about all that has been said and I will give you my honest opinion in another post.

I know you say you have known her for 5 years, but how did you meet? do you work with her? do you know why she left? how often do you see her?

I had the same intention last year for my guy (and we hadn't even had sex yet) to leave my 2nd marriage to be with him. It took time to figure out that wasn't the answer to my issues. did I want to through away my life and distrupt my kids lives (again) (they have finally settled ) I couldn't do that to my kids.. so now I stay and my guy is gone.

How old are your kids? How old are hers? So many questions.

Posted 6 months ago #
dancing.star
Member

Fallen: I have to agree with purplelily. I think it was a very disrespectful attitude towards the woman you spent 20 years of your life with, who mothered your children, and who was supposed to be your best friend. Selfish at best.
If you read my story, you'll see my standpoint on this. I think my guy could identify I bit with what you're going through - although we were discovered, and his marriage had many problems for a long time before anything happened. All we want is to get through this nightmare and be together, but we both agreed he cannot leave the marriage to be with me. It's hard but we are doing all we can to protect the innocent people involved (and here I include his W as innocent, even though she is not clean herself).
It just seems you are taking the easy way out. Just remember that in the long run, the easy way will probably become the hardest way - as you will have to deal with the resentment of your family towards you because you chose to "be happy". I really don't think a relationship can be built on such a disruptive structure. You cannot be happy on top of other's suffering, especially if these other people are your kids. It's just plain inconsequence. Sorry for the bluntness and good luck.

Posted 6 months ago #
Fallen01
Member

Thanks all. Frankly this is not what I expected; much of what you hear, though not necessarily here, is "man up!" and tell your wife, get a divorce and go be with the other person.

The drugs are the ones released naturally by my brain when I'm with her. Not illegal drugs. We met working at the hospital together 5 years ago.

I did not want to be "caught" and then say I was in love, and then be asked "well when did you plan to tell me," etc. My wife is glad I told her, she says. She needed to know. She is upset, of course, and trying to figure out if she still wants to be with me after this. Now that she knows, it's not like I could keep my lover around and wait until the children are grown up. So that's not really realistic advice. I have to "choose."

I understand you don't leave your wife for someone else. I was going to write that but my post was getting too long. This is why we stopped seeing each other, so I can figure out the marriage first. I am not banking on marrying this person. Yes, we'd take it slow once I was single. We have kids and so this would take a long time before a remarriage or anything like that. Obviously it's impossible to ignore the fact that she's out there waiting for me, but as much as I can I'm trying to figure out if I would be happy if I left my wife and were by myself. What I'm learning is that now that I "know" what I've compromised, everything is changed. I would be always wanting something more, whether it was my lover or just that kind of woman. I did not do this to relieve guilt. I never wanted to reveal it. But I was already in that place where nothing would ever be the same, and I was acting differently, viewing my marriage differently, and my wife had no idea. That seems totally unfair.

Yeah there are issues in the marriage. I didn't think they were that big of a deal until now. The main problem is the basic differences with my wife and the compatability with my lover. We'd all be in our fifties if we waited for all the kids to grow up. One (daughter) is a teenager but the others are gradeschoolers.

Posted 6 months ago #
dancing.star
Member

Fallen: I can imagine this was not what you were hoping to hear. When I first came to this forum, I also did not get the "support" I was hoping for. Only later I understood that what I needed was a devil's advocate to show me my situation through another angle, and for that I'm grateful to all the people here.

I can understand your arguments too. I think that the affair only happened because there were things wrong in the marriage, and maybe only now you can see that clearly. It happens all the time. I find it hard to believe that someone in a perfect marriage would astray and (more importantly) fall in love with someone else.

The thing is, you got it right. You are at a point where there is no going back. The status quo has changed and it's definitive. You have to make a choice: either you stay in the marriage and start a new chapter, or you leave and deal with the consequences. I agree that it is hard to keep waiting until the children grow up. Especially if your lover is now single, waiting for you. I think the most honest thing to do now is choose what you wanna do and give yourself 100% to that choice, dealing with all the pitfalls that any side will offer you.

Another point worth highlighting here is that this decision is not entirely on your hands.. your wife is still figuring out if she can move on past that and stay with you. If she decides she cannot, then the decision is made.
I also don't think the kids should carry the burden of miserable parents staying together because of them. So you gotta be good at acting if that's the case.

Anyway, like lily likes to say - just food for thought. Keep in mind that whatever path you decide to take, you will have a tough ride ahead. And we'll be here to support you. This forum can be a lifesaver at times!

Posted 6 months ago #
Brandy
Member

Fallen: Like you I also fell for my guy after a long time knowing each other and before that I thought I was happily married to my best friend. I struggled with whether I should tell my hb about it because I thought he deserves to know the truth. I could of course unload my burden with a consellor and here to feel better but I always would feel the dishonesty in our relationship. Anyway the difference is I came here for advice while you told your wife before you came. The overwelming response I got was not to tell. I did some research of my own and what I found was the majority of consellors also advice not to tell to reduce the amount of hurt and potential drama. However there are some voices against the crowd to advocate the honesty and the potetial that this could help to heal the relationship. Since you've already told her and she was glad you did. It showed me that you two are blessed to be really the best friends and can be honest with each other. So I would suggest you ignore the advices about telling or not, they are irrelavent now and focus on working out how you really envision your life to be. With the openess you should have less anxiety and more time to work out the issues. Leaving your marriage for another person may be wrong in many people's mind, but it happens and it maybe the best for everybody to make the break clean and quick if you are quite certain about what you want. I've seen examples in the past and the ones who could make up their mind and took appropriate actions ended up better than the ones tormented by the decision and dragged everybody on.

Posted 6 months ago #
cantbelieve
Member

purplelily - I can't tell if your third post down was directed at me. If so, I imagine there was a misunderstanding. I was only trying to clarify, similar to dancingstar's post above, whether his wife was willing to work through things since he told her about the EMA. He didn't say so in his post and his wife now has her own decisions to make. I was wondering if he knew he still had a choice between the two. If he knew his wife wanted to try to work through things or if she was still trying to decide.

Fallen - I hope that you will get the clarity you need. These emotions can be very hard to see through.

Posted 6 months ago #
Fallen01
Member

Someone asked earlier how my wife reacted. She was first in shock, and philosophical. Then she showed me the door for the week. I'm back home and she's still shell-shocked and tearful, but has kept her (justifiable) anger in check.

Y'all should know that I finally had to start seeing a professional after several months of the roller coaster that is an EMA and was advised by the therapist that I needed to (a) stop the affair, (b) explain to my wife that I may have killed our marriage, and (c) clean up my mess, whatever that meant.

You can imagine how much I miss my lover. She's on the other side of town several counties and a state line away. We see each other at work (shifts still overlap several days a week) but have strict boundaries so that my "process" is not poisoned by the high she gives me. I lurch between "OMFG you moron, come to your senses, everyone thinks you're an asshole, don't screw over your wife," and "OMFG, I miss her so much, I CANNOT go through life without having tried to be with my lover ..."

I have not lost sight of the fact that I am not in control here. My wife and I have been focusing on where we went wrong, but next up is if she has lost so much respect for me that she could not continue. And I need to figure out if I could, too.

Posted 6 months ago #
dancing.star
Member

You're right, Fallen. I wish you the best of luck. Keep posting here if you feel the need to. It may help you clarify some ideas on your mind.. Nobody is here to judge anybody.. only you can know what's best..=)

Posted 6 months ago #
purplelily
Member

can'tbelieve, yes I misunderstood your post, sorry! I was so busy lecturing our new friend fallen that I kept rolling through!

fallen, I agree with brandy - no sense going back to beat yourself up. If my affair blows up after all of these years, my only defense would be that i was trying to keep things together to do what was best for my kid's stability and my hb's career. in my eyes, that is a respectable thing to do, i can see where through others eyes, that is living a great big lie. surely studies show the amount of damage done to a marriage and a family when a long term affair is exposed is much greater than a shorter period or just a fling. in many ways, it is like i am having a second marriage.

i am surprised your therapist thought confessing was a good idea, but like others have said, maybe it's because of the strength of your relationship with your wife and your therapist thought it would be better for your mental state to unload. the fact you never had an affair for 19 years tells me a lot, i only made it 6 years before i got the "itch" to stray. my hb has been cheating on me for a long time. it works for us to keep our family together, have a friendly business relationship at home, and find what we're missing elsewhere. we haven't slept in the same room for 10 years. so this is not the optimal situation, but it works for us, at least for now. what i have with my lover gets me through.

this is a great board for advice and we're not judging you, brother! we're in the same and some in worse predicaments.

Posted 6 months ago #
Elle
Member

After reading all of this I must say..Fallen, it takes a lot of courage to do what you have done. I could never imagine telling my hb, no matter what! I hope things work out for you one way or the other... typically it always does. =) Definitely keep us posted!

Posted 6 months ago #
Cheri
Member

WEll I've been thinking about this from another side. Let's see the w side of it. I remember when my 1st hb told me that he was leaving me for his lover. I told him that I would do anything to make him stay and that I wanted to make it work. We talked for many hours and the only thing that made me realize that he was for real was that he told me 'I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE". I remember telling him that if that was the case than I'm done fighting for our marriage.

Fallen from what I can tell you told your w about your lover and that you "were thinking about leaving" You didn't tell her you don't love her.. Why is it you told her again???????? so it seems you can't decide so you gave your w the opportunity to decide for you. From what this shows is that you aren't ready to leave. I wonder if your wife felt that something was off with you being together for so long we can sense subtle differences even if we try to hide them

You have known your girl 5 years but only became an EMA 6 months ago.. Remember there are those nasty wonderful drugs our bodies send out when we start. You shouldn't destroy a 20 year marriage ... You could have had your cake and ate it too for much longer. Maybe the fact that your girl is separated now made you want to make the move as you were afraid she would look elsewhere?

We are all here to help.. I have been on all sides of this scenario and my mind is so screwed up... LOL

You will lose a few dear friends when the split happens especially if they find out you have someone else waiting. I lost most of mine and some went to my ex's side even though they were my friends first.

I wish you the best and can only tell you that time will tell what happens.

Posted 6 months ago #
Fallen01
Member

I wish I could have had my cake and eaten it too for longer, but I was distracted in bed with my wife, for starters. There's a red flag for her. And it wasn't subtle. And I could tell my lover was getting impatient and jealous, though she usually would not talk about it. I can't blame her. I started to feel like I was cheating on HER. It was just getting way too messed up. I wasn't built for this.

My wife and I are spending a lot of intense time together right now. It's kind of fun, but I'm definitely not feeling it like she is. I think of my lover and miss her, and how doing these things with her was .... better. Which makes me feel like I'm still cheating on my wife even though I'm not seeing my lover.

Thanks again for all your support. I'll definitely be leaning on you all over the coming days and weeks.

Posted 6 months ago #
bigheart_girl
Member

Fallen- First let me say welcome. I'm just going to put out a few of my thoughts here.

What was your motivation behind telling your wife? Was it meant as a catalyst to start a divorce? Was it meant as a confession that you did something wrong and now you want to fix your marriage?

Most of the time therapists don't know what they're talking about so her recommendation to tell your wife, although it would take the burden of guilt off of you it actually ends up only causing pain to your wife. I've tossed around the idea of telling my husband before and we'd came to the conclusion that confession is purely for selfish purposes to "get it off your chest." You've confessed, It's done, and at least your wife is speaking to you. Now you just need to decide if you want to use the affair to progress into a divorce or use it as a catalyst for change in your marriage. You say that you were happy before with your wife, but if you were 100% happy and satisfied, the affair wouldn't have happened.

You could have cut off the affair on the side and continue on with your marriage without ever having caused her pain. After an affair is discovered a marriage will never be the same again. It will always tarnish it. Most people confess the affair as a catalyst for a divorce. I see how in that case, even though it is still also painful, it is sometimes necessary. I think you did what you thought was right, but in the long run, ignorance really is bliss. It's unfortunate, but true. I guess now you have to work from here, but it seems to me like your confession to your wife wasn't really doing her any favors unless you were using it as a catalyst for a split.

Posted 6 months ago #
steely dan
Member

Fallen,

About a month ago I posted my story, which is very similar to yours. I'm in nearly the same situation you are: in my 40's, married 20 years, 2 kids, and totally in love with a woman I work with. The last few months of my life have been so hard. My affair is a secret, and I'm not planning to tell my wife. But after much thought, I am leaning towards separation, or at least some kind of a trial separation. Over the last couple of years, things have changed in my marriage and my wife and I have drifted apart; that's how the affair got started. And while I don't wish to hurt her, nor do I look forward to all the complications that will certainly come from a breakup, I don't think I can keep living this double life. Like you, never in a million years did I think this would happen to me.

I'm not going to judge you, or give you advice. (For one thing, I don't feel qualified.) You did what you thought was right, I'm sure, in telling your wife. I just want you to know there are a lot of us, men and women, who are in really similar places. And who understand the feeling of being totally conflicted, and the heartache that comes from an affair. It's a lot to bear, and I hope this all ends up well for you-- and both of us.

Posted 6 months ago #
dancing.star
Member

Steely dan: I thought about you the other day and wondered how were things with you. I remember we were in a similar situation, although on opposite ends, and since I've been going through a crazy time in my relationship, I thought how were you dealing with all. You said you're leaning towards separation, I hope that goes well. ;)

Posted 6 months ago #
purplelily
Member

OK, I am seeing a trend out here and I am curious what others think...seems the women are better at the double life than the men? I know some women out here are moving toward divorce, as well, but the trend seems to be toward men leaving their marriages more quickly for their lover.

Steely, what does your lover think about you maybe getting a separation? Can't recall if she, too, is married - if so, will she make a similar move? In my situation, I wonder if it would put pressure on my lover to also make a move. I would not leave my marriage and automatically want to set up a new domestic situation with him, though - I would need to be on my own with my child and have some transition. I would also not be leaving my marriage specifically for him, but due to a situation at home that I find unbearable, or irreconcilable differences, as they say in Hollywood. Curious what you all think.

Posted 6 months ago #
Fallen01
Member

b'heart_girl, the motivation for telling my wife was to cause a separation. Yet I knew that having told her, I might not be able to go through with it, that I might "come to my senses" when doused with the cold reality of hurting her, being the guy that screwed her over and left her for another woman, divorce, being an outcast from our friends, etc. Well, it IS a cold reality, but I still seem to be angling towards separation even as we talk intensively about our marriage and what happened. Even as I go through the exercise of recognizing that my lover and I may not, in the long run, be together when the drug wears off.

Thanks, Dan. The other motivation was what you are going through: the impossibility of the double life. I don't know if it's because I'm a man, but certainly trying to perform sexually for both women multiple times in a week was getting difficult, especially with my wife.

Posted 6 months ago #
steely dan
Member

Hey Dancing Star, thanks for thinking of me. I've read some of your posts and know you're going through a lot right now. Wishing the best for you. I've thought about your situation and how it does kind of mirror mine. I also hope I when I talk to my wife about separation it doesn't end up bad for everybody, which is a possibility.

Purplelily: my girl is divorced. She of course, would love to have "all of me" if I could break away from my wife. But she is not pressuring me and has offered to step back while I work things out. She has also told me she will put her love aside and completely back away if I decide to stay with my wife, and that if my wife wants to try to work things out then I should do so.

So my plans are that I (soon, this is driving me crazy) have a talk with my wife about how our marriage is on the rocks and how we are both unhappy. (had several of these talks before, with no improvement) This time I will suggest separation. I will NOT mention the OW. Not looking to get divorced, just separated. If all goes as well as it can, I will move out, and continue to see my girl in secret for a long time before we make our relationship known.

What can go wrong: Many things. I have no idea how bad this could get, and how deeply my wife could be hurt. Or what she could say to me. I've already discussed with my GF if it gets to a certain point with my wife where she may be breaking down or becoming unstable with the separation I would have to change plans and try to help her. Hopefully this won't be the case, but who knows? I'm also worried that my wife might somehow instinctively know there's another woman. And worried about the financial cost associated with separation, and all the disruption this will cause in our lives. I know why people stay in bad marriages--for exactly these reasons. I've been making plans in all of these regards, researching separation, etc.

Purplelilly--If I were in a situation where my girl was married too, probably would just keep going as normal. But I have the possibility of being with someone I love, who's available, and well, I would like to take advantage of it.

One thing that's also on my mind. While getting caught in this affair is not driving this decision, it is something I think about. I know many on this forum have been caught. And some of you are pretty f-ing good at what you do, too! The fact is, finding time to be with the one I love is hard to arrange, the texts and emails are hard to hide, and dealing with all the guilt and double life is difficult, at times. I've been doing it for over 6 months now. So if I could swing this separation it might be a little easier in that regard, hopefully.

Sooo, sorry to hijack this thread. Just wanted to give you guys an update.

Posted 6 months ago #
dancing.star
Member

Hey Steely, thank you for the update! It's funny that you mentioned being there for your wife if she breaks down.. this is exactly what my guy is doing and I appreciate him for that too. About being caught, well, I can tell that this is what specifically changed all of our plans.. now he has to do it in a way that she doesn't feel traded, and I don't carry that burden. Which in a sense is true, since he already had many reasons to leave the marriage and I might be only one of them. It is hard.. indeed a rocky road. But it's going ok so far.. hope that you don't get caught and so don't have to change your plans.. and that everything goes well! I'm also glad to know that your girl is not putting pressure on you anymore. That probably helps you see things clearer.
Good luck! =)

Posted 6 months ago #
bigheart_girl
Member

Steely Dan - I think you're in a great frame of mind right now. Your situation is like mine, except my OM was not understanding. The fact that you have great communication and she is willing to put her emotions aside if you do decide to stay with your wife is a clear sign that you're dealing with a great woman. I think separation would be a good thing for you. Staying in a relationship without any improvement becomes stagnant and it'll never get better until you make the steps to find out what you want and if you can love your wife the way you used to. I'm in a similar position, although my decision is lacking the OM as a factor. I'm thinking about separating. In the next year I'm taking on a business opportunity that will allow me to financially and personally separate from my husband so that I don't feel so trapped anymore. This could either improve our relationship or continue the distancing of our relationship. My husband has changed for the better, but because of the OM, I feel as though I'd already made up my decision about my life and my desperate desire for change. I feel as though, more than anything the OM was a catalyst for change in my life (thanks dancing.star for helping me to see that more clearly) So, things will never be the same, and I'm different because of my affair, as are you, most likely... so what do we want to do with that? I think the best thing to do is to be alone and really figure out what makes us happy instead of focusing on other people for our happiness. People should be there to amplify the good times, but not necessarily be the only cause of happiness in our lives. I think the problem is that we are always searching for what will make us happy when we need to realize that we create our own happiness, and noone else does for us. The fact is these other people will come and go in our lives and there's so many people out there that we are compatible with that searching for that perfect person is something we could do our whole lives. It's clear to me that the relationship with the OM would not be perfect (that's putting it lightly) and over time we would develop the same distance and fading away of emotions and my husband and I have. We're genetically wired to find new mates (back to the chemistry topic) The main cause of my affair was not sexual, it was loneliness, but it seems that the connection with others can be found in other things like friendships or hobbies.

So in so many words, I think your idea of separation is good. I think that will clear things up for you and you can decide if you really do love your OM or if she was just a catalyst for change in your life because of your unhappiness in your marriage. Like you, I know my feelings for my OM are true, but I do think that it was something I needed at the time and didn't plan for. Had we not met, I would've continued along being complacent in my life and marriage. My eyes are open now, and I can't go back. The whole experience was a shell-shock to me as I never ever planned an affair.

Posted 6 months ago #
Fallen01
Member

Hey Dan, as a bright line/clean break kind of guy, the idea that you would separate and yet still be, well, codependent with your wife, going to her if she came apart (which she will, to one extent or another, take it from me) is troubling. That sounds like more limbo to me. Again, that's not a state I'm comfortable with, or that your GF would be comfortable with. I know mine wouldn't. I do wish I could "try it out" being separated and with my GF. Unfortunately, I do not have that luxury. Oh, sure, there is always the chance that I would have regrets, my W would somehow get over the fact I totally dumped her for another woman, and take me back, but that's just not a recipie for success. Also, I could not have done that because my W would have strongly suspected there was someone else. The affair snuck up on us and we were otherwise, supposedly, happy ... obviously there were more problems than we realized and we're sorting through them now.

I am going with the advice that says deal with one relationship at a time. First, clean up the damage that I've done to my marriage, whether that means stay with my W and make it much better, or separate and THEN turn to my lover and work on that relationshp. When I'm seeing my GF it "poisons" my dealings with my W, I cannot think cleanly and honestly about whether I'm leaving my marriage for reasons that will always be there. I do not want regrets. So I need to be sure first that I'm ok I'm leaving my marriage in the entirely possible3 event that in the long run, it will not work out with my GF. I do not want to end up a bitter, divorced, broke, alienated dad with weekend visitation rights and deep regrets.

Posted 6 months ago #
steely dan
Member

Bigheart Girl: thank you. Like you, now that I've had the affair, my perspective is so different. I think "Fallen" probably feels this way, too. It changes everything. He has a hard choice between two paths. And you make a great point about change in life--you need to do it for the right reasons. As amazing as my girlfriend is, as close as we are, as good as we get along, as great as the sex is, we may not last; I'm prepared for that possibility. I could end up who knows where, maybe back with my wife. Or just alone for awhile. There are no guarantees any of this will work out. You need to leave a marriage because it's over, and you're ready to leave. I really feel like I'm at or getting to that point and it's both thrilling and terrifying. I hope I can do it, and it all works out. I do believe that being separated could provide a clearer perspective on just where I want to go next.

Thanks for a very deep post. Read it a couple of times. We do need to be strong enough to realize we create our own happiness ultimately. I hope things work out for you as you plan your changes.

Posted 6 months ago #
steely dan
Member

Fallen:

Right. You've hit on something I do worry about. Here's the thing--my marriage hasn't been right for over 2 years. Long story, but my wife and I are very different people than the couple that was so in love years ago. So the affair happened for a reason--the love just wasn't there anymore at home. There were big problems way before the affair. Yes, the affair is somewhat of a catalyst for change, as Bigheart put it. But definitely not the only reason. A trial separation seems to make sense as an option even taking the affair out of the equation.

I definitely see where you're coming from, about dealing with one situation at a time. I worry about that--about this all getting way too emotional. My girlfriend is totally understanding and has told me she will always love me, but will be stoic about the situation and walk away from this if my wife just can't live without me. I thought that was a beautiful sentiment. And of course, she doesn't want to be the one reason we break up.

I need to come out of this with some kind of working relationship with my wife. We have children, and we're going to be linked for the rest of our lives. I still care about her well being and will need to spend a lot of time at home with the kids even after I leave because of different work schedules. So yeah, maybe I'm not doing the clean break thing you're talking about. But I want some kind of break with her. Of course, there are doubts. But I'm doing this, selfishly, for me, because I don't want to live a lie at home anymore. And ultimately, I want to be with someone else.

Posted 6 months ago #
bigheart_girl
Member

Hi Steely Dan - I'm glad you found my words useful. I can only speak from my own personal experiences, and each relationship and affair seems to have different dynamics.

One thing that I do know for sure is that contact with the OM or OW definitely clouds judgment when you're trying to decide whether your marriage is worthy of being salvaged. I've made that mistake this week. I'm solo this week. My husband is away, and I used to meet up with my OM when he was away. I didn't plan to contact him, but I ran into him at the gym and he approached me, and amongst the conversation, I invited him to visit this week. He also, in a round about way asked if about things between my husband and I. It's clear now that he doesn't want anything to do with me as long as I'm married. I've been attempting to be friends, but I think that the feelings are still there. He may or may not stop by, but now the guessing is clouding my judgment and affecting my mood this week and my behavior towards my husband. I don't care to talk to him and he wants to call me all the time and tell me he misses me, etc. The truth hurts, because the truth is that I don't miss him when he's gone, but I foolishly still miss the OM, despite the craziness he's put me through.

I'm in a better position now, seeing things more clearly, so the OM's actions won't affect me as much as they did prior. I don't put so much weight on his actions or responses. I also see that it's not fair to my husband that I don't miss him and can't reciprocate the same feelings he has towards me. This puts me in a limbo situation: 2 relationships that are unsatisfactory. I have seriously been thinking about a trial separation but won't be able to do so financially until at least next fall or winter. This is going to force me to be cordial and make things decent in my marriage. I'm not sure if it will be good or bad. I think I need to give up hope on the OM and take it for what it was. The finality of a relationship gone with someone you've loved is a hard thing to swallow.

Posted 6 months ago #
Fallen01
Member

Dan, I hear you. And "trial separation" is a legitimate process. Somehow having an official name for it makes it seem less ambiguous, even if your W is not fully aware of why you want the separation. My GF is also understanding and wants the right thing for me, but there are serious emotions and trauma for her in this process. She says I'm "the one," which is really cool and all part of the excitement. She's "the one" too. :)

But I digress. Back to focusing on my marriage ...

Posted 6 months ago #
bigheart_girl
Member

Speaking of "trial separation" my husband and I had an argument over the phone last night and he told me that we are going to need to go our separate lives. He said he's been trying, but he wants someone that loves him and wants to have more kids (I don't want any more kids) He's gone for a week, but he wants to talk when he gets back.

To complicate things more my X told me last week when I ran into him at the gym that he was going to stop in and visit me this week. So now I'm anticipating that. If he stops in, how will it go, and if he doesn't then I will feel bad even though I know I shouldn't. I don't know what I want... that's my frustration: Limbo. The person who wants me I don't want, and the person who I have feelings for is illusive. I think I'm better off alone. I'm such a headcase.

For things to get better with my husband I need to forget about my X, but I'm having a bit of a battle with it lately. I had been doing so well for so long but it all came rushing back when I saw him again.

Now the added pressure of a separation is looming and I need to change myself in order to maintain in my marriage. This acting game will get exhausting.

Any advice?

Posted 6 months ago #

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