Being a headcase really sucks IMO bigheart_girl. I feel the same. The OM is out of my life. I sent him a brief email and got a brief one back. No attempt to re-connect. Just a "Hey life is good. Hope you are well" type note. I'm coping better day by day, but that's partly because I've been able to consume my days with kids and a quick trip away for a few days. It helped. I very much identify with you and your need to forget the X to allow yourself to connect to your husband. My HB is giving me space to grieve. A bit of a bizarre concept but he's trying so hard. We are functioning well on a parallel path that is not meeting in the middle from an emotional or physical perspective at all. We get through our day, talk without anger. Are kind, but I have no interest in opening up beyond that. We can function, but is this enough or can I move past this and settle back to my marriage. If we fought and were angry it might be easier to make a decision, but instead we are settling back into indifference and that "dead" feeling inside. That's where I can see not making a change. It's not that bad even though I now know it's not good enough for me. I obviously have no advice for you BHG. All I can do is commiserate. If you can come up with a way to re-connect with your HB after the EMA I'd love the advice as well.
told my wife
(55 posts) (13 voices)-
Posted 6 months ago #
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Thanks for the input metro. You are in a different situation a little because your husband found out. If my husband found out, it would be over... no question about it. And now I know that my relationship with my X is clearly dead, then I would most definitely be single if my husband and I split. I did ask my x if he was going to stop by this week like he had mentioned so I would be prepared if he did, but he didn't respond. I'm not going to even bother anymore. He always puts a dagger in my heart. The fact that even small gestures of friendship cannot be reciprocated makes me think that the only reason he visited me before was sex. It seems that I will never know. This relationship has mentally scarred me and I will forever have a hard time not knowing what went wrong and why he started treating me as if I was a stranger. It does, however, change my mentality towards my husband and realize that he's not so bad. Maybe I should just accept this comfort without passion. I do feel like I'm settling a little bit and my husband even thinks that he's held me back in life. We've been talking today and said that he feels like he's the one that's destroyed our relationship and he's very sad. It's starting to make me warm up to him a little bit because he cares whereas my X cares so little about me, he can't even visit. So... that's the problem. I want what I can't and shouldn't have, but then I'm not really even sure if I'd want him for long... I just want to play with him (my x) but then I don't want the person who wants me so much. Like I said before, I'm in limbo, indecisive and a headcase. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I know I have to keep moving. A rolling stone gathers no moss. I have to keep falling in life, I just try to fall forward.
We'll see where my stumbling takes me...
Posted 6 months ago # -
bigheart...love your "rolling stone gathers no moss". I am doing the same. Have you tried "Stumbling on Happiness"? It was a good read to me.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Ha! I actually have that book and started reading it. Great minds think alike!
Posted 6 months ago # -
(sigh) This is so sad, and yet so common.
Fallen, this is chiming in late here, and I know you've already made the decision to go back to your family. But I want to focus on what you said about your children's ages v. yours.
You're worried that you'll be in your 50s by the time you're free to pursue your real emotional life. However, you're already grown. People already sacrificed for you, put their lives on hold so you could be raised. You already got your foundation. Your children don't have that yet, and for all the talk of how resilient, etc. children are, I can tell you that much of that talk exists to make the parents feel better. I see the damage not just in my own daughter but in her classmates. Divorce changes so much in their lives -- it's not like having parents who are distant or unhappy. They frequently wind up poorer, their social lives are ruled by custodial schedules, there can be instability as their parents' partners come and go....it's very hard on them. Frequently they get less consistent help with schoolwork because the parents don't have time to help anymore or the coordination across households isn't good.
What I'm trying to say is that you made a commitment when you had those children. Grownups, grownups will get by, if they're emotionally healthy to start with. But you can't upend children's lives and expect them to come out fine.
Yes, you may be in your 50s by the time you can breathe the way you want. But again, talk to the women who spend their days caring for very young children, and ask them how much of the time they get to spend actually straightened up, physically. They accept that they had children, so for little children you're going to bend over and carry all day, even though it hurts your back, day after day. It doesn't go on forever.
Posted 6 months ago # -
I've lived most of my life for other people. Not just my husband. It was a part of who I was. You give and give and give! Your there for everyone but yourself.
What I believe is sad is the belief that one must give up their entire life for the sake of anyone.
I was a single mother for 6 years before I met my husband. I made the decision to marry based on society's beliefs that a child needed a father. Guess what? It was the wrong decision! I was a fantastic mother to my son before I married. When the illusion of marriage faded and I was left with the reality of the situation; the damage had been done to all. Especially my son.
I've worked with children for close to 20 yrs and I can tell you there are just as many that are screwed up from whole families as are from split one's. It's not about the circumstances and details around your life that has a positive or negative influence on your children. It's the quality of you and your parenting skills. It's what you give to your child.
People make mistakes. Does that mean you have to "pay" by being miserable for the sake of protecting your child? Your children are going to grow up and leave you to start their own lives. They will remember the small simple, meaningful, sincere moments spent with you. Those are the only things that truly matter or have meaning for them.
Any decision we make can be a poor one. We make bad one's all the time. We cannot be responsible for all the affects they have on other people. It's just not possible.Posted 6 months ago # -
I have to chime in here because I am staying in a very lackluster marriage of 20 years for the sake of our precious "cargo". We've walked up to the edge of the cliff of separation and looked over the side - we've always pulled back because of the kids. We are not unhappy at home, there is no fighting, no abuse, nothing other than the fact we have fallen out of love with each other. We do a great job co parenting and we run the household like an efficient business. We do go on family vacations and we actually have fun together sharing new experiences, etc. So things are not so terrible that we feel we need to make a huge change and impact our children. I am in love with someone else and have been for several years, and he has a lot of women that he chats with, and not sure what else. We look the other way and do not try to follow each other, get cell phone bills or whatever. This is NOT the ideal marriage, but it's our marriage. Our children will be gone soon enough, I am not wishing time away because the thought of them gone already makes me very sad. It is very clear to me that once they are out of the picture, we will separate and live very different lives. I don't know if my lover will be there or not, I have pretty much taken him out of the equation of my life because he is not available now and I will not make a demand on him to break up his home for me.
Children are innocent and don't have a say in the decisions we make. They are like clay - easy to mold, and very impressionable. If you think they aren't affected by divorce, ask any child of divorce after they are adults and they will tell you how it impacted their lives and love relationships. I think we have to protect them and make the right decisions for them AND us. If it is possible to somehow do both, perfect. If not, then they must win the day every time. That would mean a mother taking them out of a hostile or hurtful environment for their benefit.
Posted 6 months ago # -
My wife does not want to be in a loveless marriage, or one where I'm pining for someone else, regardless of the kids. So purplelily's model won't work for us.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Fallen - does she think she will have it better as a single mom, then? i mean her life is going to be 100% harder without you around. add in two households, shuttling the kids back and forth, etc? marriage isn't just about love, it is also about logistics - i know that sounds cold. like i've said, i've been to the edge of separation with my husband, we have a lot of money so that is not the issue at all.
Posted 6 months ago # -
kittykatt, I'm a single mother too; I'd been seeing a married man whose children are grown and live far away. I wouldn't have to do with a married man who had children at home, although both the temptation and the opportunity have been there. Nor do I involve my child in the affair; in fact one reason I found the affair attractive was that there was no danger of the man's wanting to become involved in my home life and my child's. I doubt I'll remarry; my daughter has a stable home here, I'm not up for taking care of another man, and I don't see a good enough reason to shake things up. I'm not unhappy as a single woman.
I think there's a difference between doing things for your children because society tells you to (or you believe society tells you to) and doing things for your children because you trust your instincts as a mother. Either way, you sacrifice. And yes, you give and give and give. That's...the job description, as far as I can make out. The bulk of it lasts about 20 years, and then the obligations fade, but not entirely, ever. The life I lead now, as a mother, is radically different from the one I knew as a childless woman. Do I love it? No. But it's good for my daughter, she thrives, and this is the job. Eventually I'll go back to my regularly scheduled life.
I also think that perhaps people have children without really considering what they're letting themselves in for -- especially when they're young, or when it's the spouse who really wants children -- and are then very much surprised by the degree of obligation and the fact that the children are so needy for so long.
It's one reason why, if I involve myself with a married man again, it'll be a man who has shared significant responsibility for childrearing and understands these things. Honestly, that's not so easy to find when you're looking at professional, older men whose children are grown. Their wives really carried the load there. But when I look back at some of the chances my guy took, even with his kids grown -- I remember once coming out of the shower and hearing him talking downstairs, and nearly calling to him. Good thing I didn't! He was returning a call from his daughter, who was visiting from out of state. Can you imagine being a young woman, nervous about your engagement, and finding out that not only is your rock-solid dad cheating on your mom, but that he's ducked out of a visit with you to go see the mistress and is calling from her house? Boy, I bet you wouldn't forget that in a lifetime. I mean I'm sure he was a little panicked at the thought of leaving her call unanswered, but...yow. Not cool.
These affairs, man, they're for double dutch champs only, when kids are involved.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Tina you made me laugh. I'd had the same fear, that I'd blurt something out while my lover was on the phone with her children or her husband. Yikes.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Fallen, your wife might consider taking a longer view. In any marriage there are patches of desert.
I would recommend she visit the single-mothers' board at mothering.com if she wants a realistic view of single motherhood. You've got multiple kids; most of your income would follow you, not her; and I think she'd find it's a grueling row to hoe. You know what my daughter wants for her birthday? She wants to have dinner with both of her parents at the same time. Can you find a better definition of sad? And guess who devotes energy to helping her through these things, feeling loved and confident despite the divorce, and helping her to maintain a sense of family without actually lying? And even though she's seen us fight only once in her life, she also asks that if we have dinner all together, that we don't fight. She's aware of tensions, no matter what I do to put on a happy face and try to make things work smoothly.
Ask her if she really wants another woman -- or string of women -- raising her children part-time. She won't get to pick who those women are. Ask her if she wants to let that happen while having absolutely no say in what goes on in your household.
Tell your wife to have a real look around at what's waiting for her and the kids if she divorces you. I'm as feminist as they come, but in this society we don't talk about the kind of trap motherhood can be for women. Often there is really no responsible way out of a marriage, even if we are unhappy, even if we have the ability to make good livings, when children are involved.
Posted 6 months ago # -
tina, thank you for your post - this is exactly why i stay in a loveless marriage, even though i love someone else and my hb is a serial cheater. i do NOT want any of those floozies influencing my child in any way. even if he fell in with a good woman - no! i want to raise my kids my way. and yes, i would be picking up the broken heart pieces, since they would be living with me most of the time. it would all be on me to sort out emotionally. it would all be on me - the athletic games, music lessons, concerts, all of the running around. the homework, the college trips, SAT preparation. the hormones, the dates, the fender benders, the doctor appointments, the grocery shopping, the yardwork, the car maintenance, the taxes, the bill paying - all of it! oh and what about my career, which happens to matter a great deal to me? what if i have to travel on business, work late, weekends - again, all on me to sort out the child care, etc.
and he would have his hot little bachelor pad and sexy lover who gets to stay over with him, maybe even live with him - fair???? oh, i think not. i want him raising these kids, too - they are his responsibility. yes he only "donated" briefly to their existence but he wanted kids, too. it's worth it to me to wait 5 years until they are gone to pursue (full time) my own happiness.
Posted 6 months ago # -
I'm certainly not advocating for anyone to live carelessly at the expense of others...especially children. But,we can't be their protectors from all the harsh realities of life. Terrible, unfortunate things happen to people. Children included. If it isn't the experience of divorce that may have an adverse affect on a small mind it will be something else. It's not about protecting and making decisions that will always be best for your children. It's about teaching them Life skills.
There is no question that children are a commitment to take seriously. That's why I chose to have only one. I didn't choose to have more than I was able to handle...and then cry about it later.
A person has the right to choose what's in his or her best interest without retribution from others simply because they didn't take everyone else and their emotional well being into consideration.
I'm a big believer in living my life for myself...PERIOD> If others don't like it...that's really too bad.
No one took me into consideration before my mother died when I was 13. It was something that happened and I had to deal with it and be ok.
I made a lot of excuses for staying in my marriage another year...until it became 20.
Something to think about.Posted 6 months ago # -
I'm sorry, kitykatt, I don't agree. I do think that there are times when we have to do what's in the best interests of our children, rather than ourselves...sometimes long, long times. They didn't choose to be born. And while plenty will happen to them in life, the damage doesn't have to come from our hands. I see that it makes a powerful difference among my middle-aged friends, those with parents they can't imagine doing them harm and those with parents they have to, in one way or another, try to forgive.
There was a period when there was some fear of my lover's wife throwing him out, and it was awful, because I was steeling myself to hurt myself to protect my daughter. Had my lover tried to come here, I'd have had to have told him he couldn't stay, and certainly couldn't live with us. That's no environment for a child to grow up in -- squeezed to the wall by her mother's histrionic love affair and the lover's devastating divorce. God knows I need the love and the physical affection -- there's been no one since my divorce, and for years before that I was caregiver, nurse, certainly not spouse, to a mentally ill husband. But I made a decision and a commitment when I had this child. She won't be a child forever, and I'll probably be alive for quite a while after she's grown.
Posted 6 months ago # -
I don't have children but I know what it was like as a child when my parents divorced. I wish they had done it sooner. I thought it normal to grown up with parents fighting all the time and never realised until much older how caustic that environment was.
However my father left for a woman he was having an affair with. She disliked me and wasn't afraid to let everyone know. I had to live with my father as my mother had a breakdown after the divorce. All I wanted from that woman was some sort of acceptance. I didn't expect her to be my mother (although that would have been nice to have someone like that in my life). Luckily dad saw what it was doing to me, he realised the environment he had put me in was not healthy so he left her and raised me on his own. I am forever grateful for that. For him putting my wellbeing at number one. I love him dearly to this day although never managed to recover a relationship with my mother.
Dad is absolutely wonderful and was always there when I needed him but I really wish he had found someone else. I am an only child and there was the burden of being the only one he could turn to and I ended up carrying a lot, along with my own sadness of not having a mother who could be there for me. At least someone else for my dad might have lessened the load.
There are different dynamics to every situation. I suppose it makes me think if I were ever in that situation either with kids of my own or someone elses to appreciate their wellbeing is paramount but also look at how we can add value to their lives. I know a few people who have come from divorced families who remarried when they were children and they described it as having not two parents but four parents who love and care for you.
Just another take.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Lulu - your dad is amazing, good for him for making that huge decision and putting his needs last. Guess that is more good info for not leaving your marriage and jumping right into something with your affair partner - they don't know your kids at all, other than what you've told them! The dating period would be nice to explore those kinds of things. it makes me shudder to think of the floozies my hb is attracted to and how they could be around my kids - especially mean. Nothing is worse!
Posted 6 months ago # -
Yeah well my lover is a mom of two herself. I'm not sure now that I have my own kids if I could ever be with someone that did not for the reasons posted here.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Fallen, again, look at the realities before you go for them. There's a blended-families board on mothering.com, too, and I'll tell you, it is not an easy gig for anyone. You can't just pick up kids and dump them into a new family, and expect things to go smoothly for anyone, especially if an infidelity's at the root of it. Think about the loyalties you're asking a kid to divide. It's not likely to happen. Helping kids through these things, even if they're willing to take help from you, takes tremendous time and energy, and, sometimes, money. If both the adults have demanding careers, it's a train wreck waiting to happen; if it's the woman who's got the less demanding career, she often winds up knocking herself out to help the man's children while he's off at work, often oblivious to much of what's going on, and this breeds real resentment.
Much as I might want it for myself, I wouldn't let my lover come live here, if it came to that, because the disruption to my daughter's life would be profound. She doesn't need it. If he had kids at home, I wouldn't mess with him, period. I just want any guy I'm involved with to understand and respect the work I do as a mother, and not to interfere with it or make it more difficult.
I think she had the right idea, Fallen, keep sensible about it, don't start making promises and don't tell. I'm sorry it's gone this way. Give yourself some time.
Posted 6 months ago # -
I say I would not be interested in someone without kids not because I want to play Brady Bunch. I wouldn't even meet her kids for a year. My wife would have custody of mine (had that discussion). We would not run off and move in full time. I'm not stupid.
I'm also not making any promises, and haven't ever made any I did not keep.
I'm not even writing her anymore. It sucks bad to lose a lover and an old friend.
Posted 6 months ago # -
It surely does, Fallen. How are you doing? Hope you are feeling at least a bit better..
Posted 6 months ago # -
dacing and Fallen, I am really sorry that it has come to both of you not only losing the lover, but also a good friend. It really sucks. I think being found out really made the huge difference. I am hopeful that maybe after the long healing journey you will still find each other and become freinds again because I think you both are really nice people and you were friends with your lovers before. Not being exposed in my case probably made the difference, as my guy and I seem to be doing pretty well being friends, well bearly. But the possibility is there and in that circle our friendship seems a given as I noticed recently everyone seems to know our fondness of each other and expects fire sparks between us. So it suits me fine to play along as long as we set clear boundaries. I know words are cheap and my case was not nearly as dramatic as yours, but I just want to give you hope that healing does happen and you can be better, even better than when you started.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Yes, I would like to be optimistic like that Brandy. But it's hard to think I can ever be friends with him again. What he made me go through is unforgetable. And by that I do not mean the consequences of the affair. I knew what I was getting into and took the risk. But vanishing like that was not expected and I did not prepare myself for that. It was weak and cruel of him to have done it. How can I be friends with someone who had so little regards to my feelings? He can come up with any excuse to have done it, it will never justify.. I don't hate him or have bad feelings towards him.. I am working on forgiving him, but I don't think I can ever forget it. Being caught was, in my case, definitely what made the difference. But in Fallen's case, he was not caught - he confessed. But still yielded unpredicted results.. we never know..
Posted 6 months ago # -
Thanks for asking, Dancingstar. I am marginally better. It's all relative. Like I posed in the other string, I did not cry once yesterday. That has to be an improvement, right? I fantasize about having contact like Brandy does, but since we're both trying to change jobs, the chances of that are slim. Which makes me very depressed. She has said she could never be friends with me. I don't blame her, we were planning our lives together. The rest of our lives. But I get so much out of so little contact with her, that I crave whatever I can get. I'm at a dangerous place now though. If she invited me, I would sleep with her again in a second. Then we'd really be in a mess. I don't think she will. But I wish she would, lol.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Oh Fallen. I was exactly where you are at some point. And he did ask me again, I didn't think twice, and it messed it all up again - which led to the terrible ending we had. We were also planning our lives together.. I was ready to give up so much for him. It hurts. I wish I had said I could not be friends with him, like she told you. But I craved whatever I could get. Ended up getting shit.
It is certainly an improvement. I haven't cried in a while. It doesn't mean I don't feel the pain. I guess I ran out of tears.. It is so sad.
I keep fantasizing about the day we will run into each other in this city. How will it be? How will he act? What will he say? Oh my... how can I let go??Posted 6 months ago #
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