Hi everyone,
I've enjoyed reading all the comments on here. It's really helped me put some perspective on my situation. I found the site by googling "how to end an affair". So that should give you an idea of where I'm at. Honestly, I do not want to end it. I love this man more than I've ever loved anyone (other than my kids, which is different). But I know we will never be more than what we are: emotionally, physically, and spiritually tied to one another but no recognition of this outside of the two of us. We're both married for a good length of time. OM will not leave his wife ever. While I understand his reasons and respect them, I hate it. I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my days with him and have spent the past four years telling myself that maybe it will happen some day just so I can get through the day without crumbling from the pain.
Now I worry that he may end it just so that his wife won't find out. He is the type that would make that sort of sacrifice (his own happiness) for his family's well-being. While he knows it would be a huge blow to me, we've talked about how if someone gets hurt, it should be us rather than our spouses and families.
If it is to end, I guess I'd rather have some control over it. I've had little control over much else in our relationship, meaning I've taken it on his terms.
So, two sets of questions (and sorry about the length here):
1) Anyone else in it for the long haul, knowing that it will never be a legitimate relationship to anyone other than the two of you? And do you have any thoughts you want to share - how do you cope? How do you protect your EMA?
2) How do you go about putting some emotional distance between yourself and the OM if you need to detach? I spend so much time thinking of him, as I know many others do now that I've read the posts on the forum. This will create a giant, sucking void in my life if I just all of a sudden stop the EMA.
Just knowing that others are in the same or very similar situations has helped more than I can say. My thanks to all.
How do you put some distance between OM and yourself?
(18 posts) (7 voices)-
Posted 6 months ago #
-
The easiest way to end an affair is to stop contact. NC (No Contact) It's difficult at first, but with time it gets easier.
Posted 6 months ago # -
My advice .. cool the contact and get going on your own thing ... wishing well
Posted 6 months ago # -
student - this is really hard, I am where you are, so can kind of respond to item #1. I'm in a long term relationship physically, emotionally, tied to each other, but no plans to ever leave spouses. The best way to feel good about it is to focus on the current term versus the long term, and how having him in your life is making your life better. Is your life overal more joyous, fulfilled, connected on a human level because you have him? If so, then the arguement is that its worthwhile and worth preserving and maintaining that.
The oposing side of the coin (and these thoughts creep in a lot) are things like...wondering where this is all building and when the current state will no longer be "enough"...feeling that the emotional investment you are putting in is simply too great for having no chance of ever ultimate acknowlegement by being in a "real life" relationship...the pain that you feel thinking about him is his real life and thoughts of doubt about whether he is truly as emotionally invested as you are...and the kicker, wondering about the pain of when it ends and how you would ever survive something so emotional devistating without telling another soul.
I too have sometimes thought that maybe I should end things in order to preempt this pain. Just go ahead and get it over with now instead of sometime later. Rip the bandaid off fast and deal with the pain instead of the slow suffering that can come with some of the really bad downtimes that go along with these relationships. But for me the up times and what I'm getting out of it, the wonderful connectedness, the sweet times, the hot times, keep me in this for the long haul and keep me from doing something rash like that.
As far as protecting your affair....patience is the key. Think really hard about the "output" from your affair and whatever that is, it should be invisible. No physical, behavioral, or other changes to you should be evident to hb - strive to maintain or improve the status quo at home.
I hope you are able to find some peace in this. My advice (in theory) would be that if this relationship is causing you more angst and pain then joy, then maybe it is time to pause and think about correcting or exiting. These are supposed to be good, fun! If the swings are just some low times mixed in with mostly good times, then chalk it up to "comes with the territory" and maybe work on some strategies to deal with the low times. This is where I currently am and am thinking through this.
hope this helps.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Sorry, I'm only falling into the giant, sucking void just now. I'll warn you, "no contact" is easier said than done. Though contact just throws gasoline on the fire.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Agreed. Contact throws gasoline on the fire at first. I think you need to find your own closure and your own reasoning behind having an affair. Once that's more clear and the high of the chemical rush from being with someone new fades, it becomes easier. The best way to do it is slowly fading away. Try going one day without contact, then 2, 3, one week, 2 weeks and so on. The more time in between, the better. It also gives yourself time to really figure out what it is that you're getting out of the relationship that you can't create on your own. The affair is really an illusion at first because it creates such a a high that eventually will fade into a real relationship (if given the chance) and so eventually it will be just normal like your existing marriage. So the key is to figure out what it was that you needed out of that relationship and try to harness it elsewhere. You'd be surprised, but you can be happy alone. And sometimes we tend to project the problems that we're having in our relationship with our spouses out into the world, and are therefore needy and willing to accept any sort of replacement for that void. Time alone to sort out your thoughts is key... but don't be too hard on yourself... it's so very extremely difficult at first, but it does get easier with time, so don't feel like it's hopeless. We're here for advice. This forum has helped me alot.
Try to keep yourself busy and distracted. That also helps.
Posted 6 months ago # -
I appreciate each and every comment from all of you. Thanks for your time and concern to post.
What a source of relief to find a place where others are going the the same thing. For four years, I've kept this all bottled up. You know that women in particular are just not made to do this!!!
Spending time alone is important. I do agree with that. When I was in my twenties, I got divorced (a marriage that never should have happened) and made myself look at what was going on. It was so painful, but yes, I knew that I could never be happy with someone else in my life if I wasn't happy with myself. I made myself go for a year or so without dating much at all, let alone get involved in a relationship and was in therapy too.
For about the first year of this EMA (the first for both of us, and we're practically senior citizens - he's 61 and I'm 50) I compared OM to my hb and hb always came up short. I think that is just my mind's way of justifying what I was doing - getting angrier with hb so I didn't feel bad about loving OM.
Then over time (almost four years now), somehow it turned into two comfortable relationships. My hb is OK - he has many great qualities and that's why I married him. My OM gives me what hb doesn't - that connected-ness, deep love, caring about every part of my life...plus the mind-blowing sex which hb was never able to do (and that was known going into the marriage but I thought I could live without it). I give my OM in return basically the same thing he gives me. His w is also a good person, just not really a demonstrative person and she's caught up in her own daily stuff.
As far as the balancing test goes, both myself and my OM say that our entire lives are improved due to our EMA. He describes himself as a 'kinder person' - not as sarcastic at home because he's no longer angry with his w - she gives what she can but she never loved him the way that I love him. I suppose that can be true - not everyone can give their whole heart like some of us do. And I know without the support of my OM I would not have returned to school (grad school on full scholarship) - I just would not have dreamed I could do it. I AM happier because of him and his love for me.
So, yes, both his family and my family have benefitted from this.
As long as it stays a secret.I get the NC concept, and why that's the best way to deal with a break. But I also see how that would be so, so hard to do. BHG and Fallen - keep strong and true to yourselves.
Taizy - thank you for the well wishes.I think I'm more like you, Juliet, in that I'm not ready to rip off the Band-aid. I don't know that I can deal with that 'sucking void' that will be created. Even with my family, a better amrriage than before the EMA, and plenty of schoolwork, there would be a giant hole in my life. He's one of the spokes in my wheel that keeps me rolling.
And maybe I don't have to to rip off the Band-aid. I need to be happy with the NC on week ends or in the evenings (when out spouses are around), and deal with short meetings every few weeks (we live about 90 miles apart) rather than be greedy and want more of the trips we took at the beginning before any suspicions were raised. These cautious measures protect what we have and protect the others that we love.
So hard when all you want to do is spend your days and nights with OM.
One last thing - reading your stories on here has helped me gain perspective and put some healthy distance between us. Not being able to talk about my "Secret" seemed to keep it on my mind more. I was so preoccupied all the time. Knowing that I am not the only one feeling this way and being able to write about it has helped in an almost miraculous way.
Posted 6 months ago # -
"So, yes, both his family and my family have benefitted from this."
you're in complete and utter denial. I don't think for a minute that the two spouses when they find out (and they almost always do) will think that it was a positive thing to be used, deceived, betrayed and disrespected for years so that you and your OM can feel good about your lives.
I mean, I'm not judging the relationship. I had mine too. It's why I'm here. but please don't go down the road of justifying this in your own mind but saying things like this or that somehow you're a good and better person for it. It's silly on the surface of it.
What you are. What we ALL are here are self-indulgent, narcissistic and immature.
If this was such a great thing, why not tell your HB today about it??
the rule in marriages is simple -- if you can't tell your spouse about something you're doing, there's something wrong with it. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it.
I know it's human nature to justify our actions to ourselves and others. Of course. but the first step in breaking the cycle? In getting over your OM? Realize what an EMA is -- a total betrayal of your spouse and their trust in you.
That thought will help you fill the "sucking void" created by NC.
Posted 6 months ago # -
I had to give myself some time to think about this last response as I didn't want to give a "knee-jerk" reaction. Torch for RA - From reading your other posts on here from the same day, I can tell that you are in a lot of pain and You're having a rough moment. I do hope you find some comfort in the fact that others can relate to your story.
I can agree with some of what you've said. I will not argue with you on any point you have made.
Best wishes.Posted 6 months ago # -
sorry , I posted a rant and decided to delete it .... it was a "KNee Jerk" >>>>
wishing you all well :)
Posted 6 months ago # -
actually I'm probably writing with more cold clarity of my EMA and on EMA's in general than i did just months ago. The distance, the pain, the tears, reading the tales of others have all given me a wake-up call. I see things actually as they are. There is a bit of mass psychosis on this board. We cheer each other on in our EMAs because it makes it easier for us to not feel bad about our own EMAs. We justify EMAs for a variety of reasons, all of which are complete BS and don't in any way justify the lies, the deception, the betrayal, the pain we will inevitably causes spouses and/or children that love and trust us (or our EMA partner's spouse, children, etc).
Trust me, I'm not writing out of pain. I'm writing with a cold, calculated eye backwards to what happened and why. If I can help people here to disengage from these things before it's too late -- or cope with the pain after discovery -- then I feel like I've done a service.
My eyes are definitely clearer for the tears I've shed.
If I can help ONE person here (especially a man) not end up like I did, I feel like something good came out of this. Finally.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Torch.. that is why we are all here. to hear others stories and look at our situation with a new set of eyes..
I wish I had come to this forum before it all blew up and maybe I wouldn't be where I am now.
I wonder now would I do it again if I knew how it would turn up.. a few months ago I would have said YES but as the time goes and I'm still waiting I would have to say NOW "I don't think so"
Did I learn something about myself.. Yes I did.
Torch Thanks for coming back and sharing what you have experienced and how you are handling it.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Need help. see message below
Posted 6 months ago # -
Also.. How do I put distance between us when we have to work and converse EVERYDAY.
any suggestions???
Posted 6 months ago # -
this is why you should never "shit where you eat." Affairs with people at work are almost always a bad idea.
two choices - find another job or do your best to ignore him and set a new tone on things
Posted 6 months ago # -
well I love my job so I will have to take the next choice .
Thanks
Posted 6 months ago # -
and pray that he doesn't rat you out...
and don't do this again at work!! like I said, it's almost always a bad idea!!
but I know -- things happen. that's life. Just learn and move forward yes?
Posted 6 months ago # -
No he is the one afraid of being caught by work.. so he won't say anything.
I thought I could handle it.. but I thought wrong..
Thanks again..
Posted 6 months ago #
Reply
You must log in to post.