we both have kids and started off agreeing no emotional attachment and no breaking up of families. but we have a friendship which lasted years and as you would have guessed, one of us (him) started to feel 'love' coming with the physical attachment. 6 months ago he confessed his feelings and we got very close both emotionally and physically. i used to feel something for him, but always controlled my emotions remembering what we agreed. so when he confessed, i felt the relief and let go of that restraint - we became so in love.
before things go worse (knowing that with children involved we probably will never be together), i'm thinking to distance myself again. i want to enjoy the physical attachment only, because im afraid i will be the one who want to have more in the end. on one hand, i'd like our feelings to be there, but on the other, i'd like to control it so that it will not grow to a stage where we have to make choices. i hope if you have experience of having a lasting relationship in both physical and emotional aspects over a long period of time, managing it well so that not one of you will want to have more, please share with me some ideas how i could do the same. i thought the answer is to distant myself but it hurts badly. please help :(
to distant or not to
(13 posts) (3 voices)-
Posted 6 months ago #
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how can guys be so cold and distant sometimes?
i'd thought since we dont get enough times together, the time in between we need to stay close with emails, calls, etc but he seems to be able to distance himself very well and when we finally meet, hes the same person that im in love in again.
maybe im just childish wanting to act cold to him because i felt his coldness. but i seriously dont want to do that. am i hurting myself unnecessarily?Posted 6 months ago # -
I know exactly how you feel, my OM used to text and call more than now, but things still same when we do. He just picks up where we left off but I feel after sometimes two days of nothing ( not long I know but seems forever)that how can he go that long without contact and closeness, I think men don't need that constant contact, I now think unless he says, nothing has changed, but I like to feel he is close if not in person, that he is there he is ok and thinking of me.
Posted 6 months ago # -
isabelle, im so glad i found this forum and pple like yourselves who are going through the same thing. this past weekend was hard as my family is also not around and i feel like the single woman trying to get connected with my OM.
how could he simply pick off where he left off, and the space in between, i wonder how did he manage that?Posted 6 months ago # -
veryconfused, I think maybe they are confident in our feelings for them and don't need constant reassurance. I just like the contact and attention because we get together so infrequently, it keeps the closeness. Could so easily drift apart without that is what i'm afraid of. Out of sight out of mind, or absence makes the heart grow fonder? I know how you must feel without your family around more time to dwell on things, couldn't cope being single woman at least we are in same position but still not easy. I hate Sundays with no contact used to get a Sunday evening text but he doesn't risk that anymore!
Posted 6 months ago # -
Very confused, you may think your in a bad place, but it sounds like you and your guy have a great relationship. I think at some point in this type of relationship the contact must cool off. Things at work don't get done and a crazy amount of time and effort is spent staying in touch. Set some expectations and some rules you can both live with.
This contact thing is so very difficult. There are so many threads here about it, crazy!!! I'm a male....I have the opposite problem. I desire more contact then I get. It seems I'm the one that almost always makes first contact, she always responds, sometimes it takes her a while. We don't text or call unless we get the ok on our secret email. There are tons of times she knows I'm free, and I've told her so, and she still doesn't call me. She thinks I'm getting too emotionally involved with her and it has hurt our relationship,she has pulled back, she thinks I'm going to go crazy on her one day. I am crazy about this woman, and would never do anything to hurt her, so I'm going to limit my contact and see if that helps. As painful as it is.
Posted 6 months ago # -
isabelle i wished its the confidence that keep him away but sometimes its also the insecurity too. and i wish i could offer him that assurance in the way he needs. i just cannot accept that when guys shut up, they really shut up their mouths, their minds and their hearts. i can only hope tomorrow comes faster so that its a normal working day and i have enough distractions from this. he did mention 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' but seriously if i lack the attention and affection from my own marriage, i need that to come from him! the only consolation is that i know for sure when we next meet, things will be alright again.
sexlessintx im beginning to think that i will cool off the contact without asking/telling him. we agreed to keep close to each other and if things changed we would tell each other. but if he is doing this at his end without telling me and im still trying so hard to keep close, then im pretty done with it. i mean i do love him and want him still, but im done with trying to keep the close contact. he knows where/when/how to contact me if he needs/wants. i need to protect myself from becoming a needy person :(
Posted 6 months ago # -
Exactly veryconfused, the attention and affection is exactly the main reason I have fallen for him, if that goes what is left, i'm in this for the closeness and intimacy etc if that wains then what is left?
Posted 6 months ago # -
finally we chatted online .. after a few nights that he didn't get on. things are nice again as expected. the rollar coaster feeling is just giving me so much highs and lows. it turned out he was bothered with some comments i made about another guy, i guess he cared too much but he also needs to trust me - this will come with time, our relationship started to have emotional attachment recently so we both are still learning the ropes. in any case i have learnt so much from reading the threads on the forum and am more confident that i now can handle this relationship/affair in a more matured way.
before this, i was still hoping that he might leave his wife eventually but now i have taken a new perspective. and i feel more at peace with myself :)Posted 6 months ago # -
very confused, what is your new perspective? I'm dying to speak with my OM nearly 2 days now!! I'm missing him so much! Have to wait for the call, so frustrating!
Posted 6 months ago # -
isabelle
he and i are still not on the full contact phase yet. i like to make it cool a little. while we had our online chat last night, and we started texting again today, the things i talked about are trivial. not 'attacking' on the emotional side, but mostly on day to day stuffs and naughty notes when i feel like it. i find us spending too much time analyzing the emotional aspects and i need to cool that off a little else it will be too draining for myself.
as for the new perspective, from reading the threads, i understood again that in order for us to continue, we need to go easy on our own marriages (because we have children) and not become greedy and possessive on our lovers. i love him for who he is, and the life that he comes with, it makes him the person he is today. i want to be there when his wife irritates him, when his wife does not understand him, to fill in the gaps when they are created. i don't want to replace his wife anymore, but rather complement what he has in life. he can leave the unhappiness thoughts elsewhere and when he's with me, it will always be fun and happiness. last night he talked about some financial issues at home and i'm glad i'm not part of his worries.
we never know what's going to happen in the future, but for now, i'd like to focus on the 'now', indulge and enjoy, and when the 'future' comes, we worry about it then. i'd be so confused if one of us split with our spouse and the other is not ready to split. for now, i'm happy again.Posted 6 months ago # -
Yes I totally agree with what you say!!! Just spoke to him, and while I am i'm thinking did you have sex this weekend? Shall I ask him? What if he says yes, I'll feel sick it is torture. Much better as you say, to focus on the here and now and enjoy the chat and banter, enjoy what we have make it enjoyable and fun for what it is. I could drive myself mad with the emotion of it all!
Posted 6 months ago # -
isabelle if i were you i would not ask. i don't wan to bear the pain of knowing. honestly i trust that if he loved me the way he says he does, i'm sure it will not be 'lovemaking' for him and wife - will be basic sex! like i said, i accepted that when i get involved with a married man, this will come with it. concentrate on the fact that if he enjoyed sex with his wife (both quality and quantity) he wouldn't look elsewhere!
Posted 6 months ago #
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