Advice on the intimate times « Having A Discreet Affair

Having A Discreet Affair » General Affair Discussion

Advice on the intimate times

(19 posts) (9 voices)

Started 6 months ago by isabelle
Latest reply from cautious64

Tags:

No tags yet.

isabelle
Member

I would like to know how other people cope with the situation of having to have sex with husband and lover.
1) I know longer want to make love with my husband the kissing and intimacy, makes me feel like i'm cheating on my OM. I don't enjoy it with my husband at all now. How does anybody else feel about this and how do you cope?
2) My other man asks if I have and I don't want to tell him for fear of hurting his feelings, or pushing him to have sex more often with his wife?? What is that all about?
3) He has sex with his wife and tells me he has to because so long in between us, but she doesn't want sex much with him and wants it over with, he says not the same as we are but a release (he is a man needs to) but I don't have the urge or fancy my husband. Does this mean he still is very much in love and fancies his wife still. I'm afraid of the answer. I think he probably is but, but I know he loves me as well.
4) What do you do about protection.
5) My husband doesn't suspect just thinks I have gone off sex, this is starting to cause problems??? How do I maintain this double life, I'm coping well but this part is becoming a bigger problem, I can't seem to make love to two men, I love my OM and he is the one and only one I want to really make love to!!

I would like others thoughts on this men and women.. Thanks :-(

Posted 6 months ago #
veryconfused
Member

isabelle im also cutting down a lot on sex with husband. perhaps once a month or sometimes less. especially since OM and I got closer lately. we both agree to keep ourselves from other men and women and our spouses is like a forbidden topic. he did assure me at times that he's not sleeping with his wife and i offer him some assurance on the times that im not sleeping. we are not demanding that of the spouses although very clearly demanding that of other men and women. quite a sensitive topic but somehow we accepted that if you want to be involved with a married person, he/she lives with someone else and may get physically intimate anyway. just try to block off such thoughts with distractions on other things. the more you dwell on it the more upset you can be. we dont use protection by the way and the funny thing is i use protection with my husband instead!

Posted 6 months ago #
isabelle
Member

I do try not to dwell on it, but he wants to be straight with me and tell me so I tell him he can tell me anything, so I take it and cringe when he tells me sometimes I say, i don't want to know, but I want to know as well. I can't pretend it wont happen she will wonder why he doesn't as well if they are not intimate I know it isn't that often and not as we are or so he says, it is a sensitive topic I agree but a painful thing that goes with this!!

Posted 6 months ago #
Stanza704
Member

My OM and I do not have sex with our spouses and had not for a long time before becoming involved. The lack of emotional and physical closeness in our marriages is one of the reasons we don't feel guilty about our affair. I can't imagine having an affair if I were intimate with my husband, but I also can't imagine having sex with someone I didn't love.

Posted 6 months ago #
taizy8
Member

long before I met the OM I had not wanted to be intimate with my partner, and it was nearly always initiated by him. So It had stopped before meeting the OM, in fact I was in separation mode by then. The OM was sleeping in the same bed as his partner and that used to creep me out a bit, but he told me they had been intimate, perhaps three times in the past two years... their relationship was on the long slide before I met him. He then moved into another room and likes his own bed. I guess, like Stanza. the reason we don't feel so guilty is that our relationships were so dead for us, the only guilt is having to sneak around and his feeling of not being truthful to his kids. We have now slowed contact to get perspective.

Posted 6 months ago #
Odyssey12
Member

I too, still sleep with my husband but it is infrequent partly because of his health but really more because he says things about it or us doing it that just puts me right off. That's one of the reasons, I'm sure, that the OM became so attractive because he doesn't do that. He has not asked me if I am still sleeping with my husband - he did ask me early on if we could because of hb health, but he has not since we have become intimate. I often think of my OM to get me in the right mood if hb wants to, but if I had my choice I would probably skip it. Although, my OM lives about 2000 miles from me so contact is infrequent, so if hb and I weren't doing anything it would be a long time in between. I did ask OM the other day if there was anyone else and he said no, but he has not asked me again whether or not I still sleep with hb; I don't think he wants to know or imagine that. It is hard when your feelings are involved, but I try to remember that I care for both of them in different ways and it helps.

Posted 6 months ago #
torchforRA
Member

when I was in it, we both were having sex with our spouses, but both of us became increasingly dissatisfied with it. I was barely able to get hard most of the time. I was totally loyal to the OW. I wasn't silly enough to be jealous of her husband and her having sex -- I realized why. I knew that what she had with me was so much more powerful and satisfying. She thought the same. We even talked about when we had sex the night before with the spouse and what it was like. Of course, we told each other everything. So I saw no problem with it. I knew where her heart was. I didn't care that she was spreading them and going through the motions with him. Not at all. but also for practical reasons.

we both HAD to keep trying in order to not arouse suspicion in our spouses - to protect the EMA. Spouses notice when your sexual desire for them plummets (or even goes up). Anything "different" can arouse suspicion.

Well it didn't work. He got suspicious anyway, tapped their computer with a key-logger and found out everything.

so it was all for naught.

Posted 6 months ago #
student-in-life
Member

I would love to hear from some guys on this!!! C'mon - let us in on your side of things!

What I understand is that for the MOST part, women don't want to have sex unless they feel very close to their partner. And it's hard to feel so close to two men that you would want to have sex with them both. I do not feel that close to my hb and that's why I was looking outside the marriage to begin with. Our sex life was never any good.

My OM still has sex about once a month w/ his w. She sort of uses it as a gauge to see if she's still desireable to him so they continue. He told me (and it hurt, but I asked and did want to know) that he does still desire her. We are a distance apart and so don't often get to meet - maybe if we were together like twice a week or something I would wonder about that, but...

Here's the creepy part for me - my OM wants me to have sex w/ my hb. He says you can't have a happy marriage without sex so I have had to resume a sex life w/ hb and I am usually the initiator. I can hardly stand it. In the beginning, it did feel like I was cheating on OM. Now I just think of it as "my duty" as wives must have during the fifties. As I said, it was never very good, so it's not hot, I barely kiss him or really touch him, and thank goodness it doesn't take long. I just sort of feel like "OK, I can cross this off of my to-do list now" and wonder what June Cleaver did to cope.

Sorry to be joking about it, but I guess what I'm saying is, I need things to look as normal as possible. My hb does seem nicer to me afterwards (as in he'll vacuum or something the next day without me even asking) so perhaps it does improve our marriage. And I just do my best to prepare for it by thinking of something else (OM or something else to fantasize about) and try to get through it.

I feel for you, Isabelle, I know it's not easy.

And I'm with you - I want to know what's going on in OM's bedroom and hate knowing it at the same time. It is best to not dwell on it though. And I think knowing about it is better than wondering - what I imagined what going on (hot sex like we have) is nothing like what is actually happening so that helps.

Posted 6 months ago #
torchforRA
Member

I did post. Right above you. A guy. LOL

Posted 6 months ago #
student-in-life
Member

Torch for RA - my apologies for not reading all of the posts, I missed something important by not reading yours. Actually, I think I missed it because I took so long writing my own post. At any rate, I did miss reading your perspective the first time.

And sorry for your loss.

Posted 6 months ago #
torchforRA
Member

no, it's ok. These things are not honorable, very dangerous. They almost always fail. Most of the time, a spouse figures it out. At least he didn't call my wife. I got away. I miss her, yes. but at some level, I'm relieved. I have the burden of conscience. I did not carry off the living two lives thing very well. I need to focus on my marriage and give it a chance. The EMA was not the problem, but the symptom of a big problem. I have to deal with the problem. If I can't work it out to my satisfaction, I'll leave before I get involved with someone else. That's the more honorable thing to do.

But I appreciate your words. I was in agony a few months ago. The pain has abated. I'm fine.

Posted 6 months ago #
veryconfused
Member

torch, i hope things will work well for you in your marriage. sometimes it take such an event to make us realise what we should do.
for me, i have 7 guys since i got married for 8 years. something is just not right but i guess i cannot do the right thing to either leave the marriage (because I have a child) or to work harder at it (i tried a couple times but only made myself more upset). i wish i could find a way to make myself happy so im not in this constant pursuit of happiness. for now im happy with my OM and live for the moment. hopefully one day i will get myself sorted.

Posted 6 months ago #
torchforRA
Member

7 affairs in the first 8 years?

yes, there is more than something wrong. There is something VERY wrong. You need to get out of your marriage. You know you do.

it's amazing you've gotten away with it up to this point.

And frankly you're more than damaged goods. You're not after true love - you're after constant thrills. A serial cheater. You will probably cheat on anyone you go to after you get a divorce. You know I'm right. I"m not trying to be harsh, but that's a bad track record. You have a new one pretty much every year. And in love with each and every one, correct?

does your OM know about your track record? I'm curious.

Hey, I realize MOST of us here are not good risks if we were free and out in the world. I totally get that. You're somewhat extreme, but all of us come with big red flags.

I think about that sometimes. could I really be good for anyone? I really don't know.

Posted 6 months ago #
veryconfused
Member

torch im a serial cheater, i like how that sounds :P
im not in love with each and every one, honestly i take it pretty cool. only the latest one that im willing to get more emotionally involved. i dont wan to dwell into the unhappiness in my marriage but i thought someone else may be able to fill up the gap. each time i hang out with a single, they get pretty serious and want me off my marriage. i couldnt do it - main reason is because of my child and being an asian, i have a lot of family stress to keep it going unfortunately.
the only difference this time is that my OM is a married man and he understands my situation and gives me what i need without the pressure of having me to make decisions. its an escape i totally admit. im not proud of my affairs and think im a coward for not walking out of a marriage that cause me unhappiness. if it was easy i wouldn't be where i am today.

and i think about it sometimes too. will i really be committed ever to one person? i dont know and i actually dont think so.

Posted 6 months ago #
findingMYway
Member

Okay, I'm going to give two prespectives here. I'm actually sitting here reading this with my "guy"... He'll goes first, because men are impatient :)

From the OM:
Mid 40's
2nd marriage (13 yrs)
1st affair (on current wife)

My OW and I have been at this for a while now and so many things have changed since we started. I'll let her tell you about our history.

It started off where I was still intimate with my wife, though like most of you it wasn't the same as with my OW and not nearly as satisfying. At first it briefly kicked up my sex life at home, but it was VERY short lived. Our sex life was dead to begin with so the extra interest on my part part was quickly killed and things went back to normal fast. Now, almost a year into my EMA my OW is pretty exclusive. I honestly can't even remember the last time I had sex with my wife, nor do I care to try and remember. Yes, ladies, it is a need that a man has... But, I suppose the need gets less and less when you have someone else in your life like I do now, someone whom I care deeply for whole heartedly in every aspect.

I wouldn't take it too personally and there are a lot of good points being made in this post (and some just make you go hmm). Men think differetly than women, period. Yes, it bothered me knowing that my OW was intimate with her HB, but I didn't dwell on it and I honestly got a little turned on when she talked about it. And sometimes, us men just want to get a response out of you when we tell you things *wink. Sorry ladies, but sometimes we do... I now know that it wasn't a very nice thing to do, but my OW actually admits that it turned her on at times as well. However, I have much more of a connection with my OW than I have ever had with anyone so perhaps I do have it very good. Don't tell her... But I can't live without her.

Good luck!

Okay, now from the OW:
Mid 30's
2nd marriage (9 yrs - now separated)
1st affair (on current HB)

I had to walk my OM to the door as it's time for him to get on with his day :(

So as far as intimacy goes, I was in a little different place than my OM when we started. He really isn't the other man anymore because I am now separated from my HB and we are getting divorced. So, I've become the mistress in sorts, lol.

When we first started I was struggling with keeping my marriage together as it was troubled. Plus, we were facing a relocation. My OM actually helped me, temporarily. We were/are great friends, even if it is at times hard for us to give eachother whole-hearted SOLID advice, as friends. But, I suppose that's what makes it as good as it is, because we do...

We never really discussed our spouses much, in the sack. We didn't have the need to really. I wasn't satisfied and neither was he! During our times apart I did cave several times with my HB but I often found that a few glasses of wine were needed first and sadly, it wasn't to benefit him at all. My marriage was over, I knew it. I wasn't going for anything, I just had a need (which most women do at times believe it or not). Eventually, my HB relocated and I did not follow.

However, I am not the jealous type either. I could care less if he has sex with his wife, really (I know they hardy do anyway)! And yes, he's right about us "telling eachother" about our spouses... I suppose though that were are both secure with our own selves that it didn't really matter to us. Of course I don't like to think about it, but I certainly don't let it bother me. It is what it is and it's an AFFAIR! You have to share! If you can't do that then you need to get out of it...

I think you just have to think about what you want out of your EMA. YOU need to figure out what YOU want and what you can/can't handle. Can you mentally balance two separate intimate relationships and remain level headed about it all? Can you live a double life? Are you willing to lose it all if you get caught, or at least deal with the consequences? What about pregnancy or STD's? Have a plan, be open and honest with your OM/OW and go from there.

And as far as having sex with your Spouse... Wine and lights off!

To touch on contraceptives... ALWAYS! If you're a woman, go on the pill, shot or whatever. Men, wear a condom if you can't be sure your OW is protected! Trust me, been there... You don't want to go through it, it is VERY painful and benefits no one. An unplanned pregnancy places a HUGE strain on everyone involved, no matter the outcome. Not to mention that STD's are always going to be out there and there is NO way to know WHO has one usually until it's too late. Thankfully, I don't have to worry about that but you can't ever be too careful.

Good luck!

Posted 6 months ago #
isabelle
Member

FindingMYway..Thanks for that, rings very true. Nice to hear from a mans point of view don't get all that many on here. Wonder why it turns you on or did when you heard about your OW having sex with husband must admit I have felt a bit like that but mixed up with jealousy too very weird feeling??

Posted 6 months ago #
findingMYway
Member

Hey isabelle,

I can't answer for him now, because he's not here. However, a man will get more turned on with stuff like that because they are visionaries. Also, he knew he didn't have much competition at the time because I was on my way out of my marriage. So, even though I hadn't really placed much thought into it, he did get turned on when I talked about it. Weirdo, lol.

As for me, not nearly as much, but at times I admit I got a little competitive (not really "turned on") because that's the way I am. Now that I'm seperated from HB, I have to admit I do get a little jealous and would ratheer not know, but I take it in stride. He's still married so it's inevitable that it's going to happen. I suppose for now I'll just deal with it right? I'm certainly not going to end anytime soon because of that.

So, when you start feeling "jealous" don't. He's with you because you fill a need in him that he's not getting at home. Trust me, he wouldn't be doing this with you if you didn't turn him on. Use that fact to your benefit. Have fun with it!!!

Men in general like to create a jealous type feeling at times, so just throw it back to him, just be coy about it. And if you get overwhelmed, just take a brief NC so you can collect your thoughts and regain your composure. I am FAMOUS for creating a "time off" and it makes him appreciate me more.

If you're shooting for a long term affair, you have to learn to adjust CONSTANTLY. These types of relationships are fragile and require a little more upkeep than a normal relationship. And sadly, it does take some creativity, PATIENCE, and controlled emotions.

Glad you found this blog, it has helped me tremendously over the past year (and even my lover).

Posted 6 months ago #
isabelle
Member

findingMYway...Thanks for your advice it has been 14 months now so I am starting to relax a bit, even though we still have push/pull. What I don't get is this...every time we meet, well after we have met, he seems to go distant, he is very full on when togther saying and doing all the right things then we go our seperate ways and I hardly hear from him, I want even more contact after because I feel so close to him. Then slowly the contact builds up again to where we were before it seems to becoming a pattern. I know he felt guilty in beginning but surely he has got used to this by now??
How do you do your NC ignore his calls or distance yourself by shortening calls?

Posted 6 months ago #
cautious64
Member

Isabelle, well in reply to your questions:

First, I met my married OW on what we both thought was a one night stand (we met on the Internet). As we both enjoyed the sex so much, it turned into regular meetings and then after about 6 months we agreed that our relationship was based on great sex, but we could be good friends as well. That has been going on for nearly 7 years. I accept that this is not all that common, and certainly I know women who have had the sort of 'on-off' relationship you mentioned in your last post: intense at the time, then distant, then building up contact and it all starts again. So for my part:

1) I enjoy sex with my wife as well; it's different because it's more 'lovemaking', as opposed to affair sex which is basically physical. However I have always enjoyed good, passionate sex with my wife so that is quite easy to maintain.

2/3) We know that we have regular sex with our respective spouses, and accept that is part of being married, but resolutely do not discuss it further. We have mentioned other lovers and their respective physical attributes, but only as a turn-on.

4) About protection: of course as it was originally expected to be one-off or short-lived we started off with condoms, but after a while we stopped; I had a vasectomy years ago. Both of us have accepted having sex for purely physical reasons with other people during the past 7 years, and have always used protection. Without mentioning it she trusts her husband to use protection if he strays, ditto I trust my wife to do the same.

5) As far as I know my wife doesn't suspect because I've maintained interest in sex, and most importantly not changed my behaviour in bed. Of course maintaining a double life is sometimes problematic logistically but I manage to 'make love' to two women regularly without any physical difficulty and have sex with others very occasionally. My OW says she can manage this too. Actually I always thought it would be more difficult for her, because of the traditional view that it is easier for men to do it and forget it until the next time. I guess really it is all a matter of a healthy attitude to sex by both people.

Posted 5 months ago #

RSS feed for this topic

Reply

You must log in to post.