told my wife, ended the affair, in pain « Having A Discreet Affair

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told my wife, ended the affair, in pain

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Started 6 months ago by Fallen01
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Fallen01
Member

I'm the guy that told my wife so that I could eventually be with my lover, my co-worker at the hospital. After a month of limbo and increasing pressure from friends, family, and upset children, I ended the affair instead. My children didn't know what was going on, but they knew something was wrong. In the end I could not pull the trigger and end my marriage. I agreed I should try to make the marriage work while not having an affair on the side.

Ending it with the OW was the hardest thing I've ever done. This was not a light affair, this was the real deal, we are in love, she was someone I would have married. At least, so far as anyone can know after 6 months. I told my lover last week I needed to try to make my marriage work without her waiting for me. We sobbed. Now I'm extremely depressed. I pull over in the car two or three times a day and cry like a baby. She dominates my thoughts even as I try to reassure my wife and be with my family. It's all I can do not to contact her, or drive across the state line to see her. I cannot bear the thought of never being with her again and yet I must if I'm honestly to make the marriage work. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life, even though I have a pretty good setup with a hot wife that wants me and beautiful children. How the f*ck do we get through this? How long does this last? How can I survive it when I cannot even share my feelings with the ones I love -- my wife, my lover, or my family and friends? None of my friends and family seem to have the patience for it, like I'm being immature and stupid. But it is real. They cannot understand.

It's as if I ended it but I want to keep it alive in case my marriage doesn't work, but my marriage won't work if I think I'm going back to my lover. Yet I am not able to bear the thought of "never" with my lover.

Posted 6 months ago #
veryconfused
Member

fallen, i cant give you a good advice but im weeping here feeling your loss right now. im in a stage where i cannot live without my lover. i keep the marriage easy going (as he does) so that we can still have each other on the sideline. we fill in whatever gaps created by our own marriages. it is sad for the marriage but at least we both are happy and know what we are getting into.
before him, i have also ended a few affairs. one of which was so heartbreaking that to date, im still reminded of the pain easily. almost 2 years now, and even with a new lover, i still think back, if we have made a mistake for breaking up. you know, the events caused the consequence and sometimes we just have to accept and move on. for now, it is going to be hard. it is going to be so damn hard. tears, memories, pain, they don't go away like that. the biggest healer for me is distraction. i find some things to do to distract myself. your wife cannot distract you anyway - you can try to work on it, and perhaps bring it to a comfortable level but can you bring it to the level shared between you and lover? i dunno. i wish i can be more encouraging but all i can (and many others here) do is only to lend a listening ear and share your pain a little i hope. no one else can understand you except pple who have gone through this themselves.

Posted 6 months ago #
isabelle
Member

fallen01... I know somewhat how you are feeling when I have gone through times when my OM is feeling guilty and says it has to end, I have pulled over in my car and cried and cried and you can't tell anyone and if you do it is pull yourself together etc but unless you are going through it at the same time no one can really understand the pain in your chest and the punch in the stomach feeling. I hope everything settles down for you but it seems to be a rollercoaster ride we have got on!

Posted 6 months ago #
Stanza704
Member

My heart is breaking for you. I don't know what I would do if my lover decided to try to make things work with his wife and broke things off.

Posted 6 months ago #
torchforRA
Member

I haven't posted in a while. but I saw your thread and I had to add in.

I was you, almost, just months ago. I felt I had met my soulmate. I was MISERABLE at home. I began to make mental plans for how I was going to break the news to the wife so I could be with my love. I was anguished. I thought of the consequences of this -- the hurt in my wife who doesn't deserve it. The scorn of friends and family. The financial distress it would put all of us in. I was very very torn, but I thought we had time. YEARS to figure this out.

Then the affair was discovered by her husband.

Know what happened?? She betrayed everywhere promise she ever made to me. EVERY ONE. When the shit hit the fan, she abandoned me -- and this is the one thing she promised would NEVER EVER HAPPEN. I was in her life NO MATTER WHAT.

Guess what? I haven't heard from her in over 3 months. I doubt I ever will again. I no longer feel good feelings about her because the trust I had in her has been irretrievably shattered. If she called me today I would tell her to go straight to hell. I feel duped. I feel abandoned. I feel betrayed. I feel ANYTHING but loved.

I understand your cold feet. but also know that what you envision in your head with your lover might not actually be there if you made that split. Your perspective on both your lover and your wife is skewed -- too positively for the lover, too negatively for the wife. I truly believe this.

That being said, you are scared and have gone back to your marriage. But at a great cost. Your wife is probably crushed and will never fully love you again. And the ambivalence you felt towards your marriage which led you to an affair will still be there when all this settles down. Then what?? Either find a way to completely rebuild/recast your marriage to something better, or you will ultimately leave anyway.

but if I learned anything it was that words are cheap. And you shouldn't blow-up your life based on the promises of an affair partner. You can't expect honesty from something built on deceit.

if you do end up divorced, do it for YOU. Not for someone else.

good luck.

Posted 6 months ago #
Fallen01
Member

Thanks for the empathy, guys. My lover and I have had a few angst-ridden, sad email exchanges and we reached some kind of peace today - more of a truce - me trying to convince her I still love her, I just had an impossible choice. Her angry and almost hostile, but then settled down. I told her I would stop.

So I'm sitting at my home desk weeping, listening to music and trying to read x-rays, but actually writing emails to her but sending them to myself. I hear you about the chest and stomach pains. The ache. It's extremely powerful. The thought of never being with her ever again is just too much to bear. Just looking at this computer screen reminds me of her because I used to look forward to coming down here at night and exchanging emails with her, and having long, heavy chats ... we even used to banter before the affair started, as friends, for years. God I miss her so much, this is so f*cked.

Still can't really focus on my wife. Classic depression: nothing matters, nothing to look forward to, random bouts of sobbing.

Posted 6 months ago #
taizy8
Member

Fallen, this sounds so hard... especially as you have lost a friend as well .. maybe when things have settled down and with time you can get back to a friendship.

I too got involved with a friend, a colleague - we live a couple of hundred miles from each other, but we used to meet up in the city at meetings etc..and really empathised and got on with each other. I think we really do have a soul mate connection - very same interests, hobbies and it is as if our life until now has been a mirror of each other, we were attracted to the same people in our lives and events in the past corresponded. We would even have synchronicity all the time in the past year. We knew that stepping over the line would change the friendship element, but we couldn't help it .. it was so strong.. We have now stopped contact and it is hard, though we haven't ruled out future contact. I know all the cliches of affairs, but sometimes we do change in our lives from the person who settled down in our twenties or thirties.. sometimes we didn't make a strong enough decision when in a relationship with someone unsuitable before the kids arrived. Sometimes we weren't mature when we married. And maybe we aren't mature now having affairs instead of facing up to it all going pear shaped.

It sounds like you did face up, but everyone else said NO... Maybe what you do need is this time of NC .. it may really help you to see If you need to leave the marriage for yourself or for the other person. Maybe you need time alone, too.. Maybe you need to talk to someone impartial. Society wants us to conform, and though I am not all free love etc... playing happy house when all is unhappy under the surface is kind of sad.

keep well

Posted 6 months ago #
Fallen01
Member

Yeah Taizy, you are insightful. She can't imagine a friendship and is looking for another job. It's that bad. And she's a single mom that commutes 100+ miles one way. Your connection with your lover sounds very familiar to mine. Parallel lives until we met, immediate attraction and chemistry ... and now it's all gone.

I'm hoping you're right, that all I need is time with NC. It's hard because we still work at the same hospital. Just knowing she is upstairs hurts so much. I could hear her sweet voice on the morning staff call - so, so hard. But I can't see my marriage or happiness clearly with this crushing despair, so I wait. Meanwhile, she goes on with her life, soon dating, and I may lose her forever.

Posted 6 months ago #
nottiger
Member

Welp, got me. I could never even post my story - thank you for posting it for me.

I spent 2+ years in mine...the last 6 months helping her decide to leave the affair behind. I finally caved in to what my prayer was - for her to be happy.

So exactly a month ago I had a long talk with her....and let her go. She and I spoke Friday for the first time. She thanked me, told me she's changed her routine....feels like a cloud has lifted.

It let me know two things - one that I did right by her, that she'll be ok and even thrive. She'll take the lessons learned and try to put those into her marriage. Her husband has no idea, but his future is going to be amazing.

And two - that I Love her today more than ever. Her voice, breathe on the phone soothed me and made me want to give her even more of myself.

I have started therapy, and I've started doing for my wife what I was so good at doing for my lover....putting all of this in her hands and letting her decide what she wants. I realized just before that call that a couple can cause an individual to lose their independent self...one of the things I found in my affair. That expression of myself was the huge attraction for my lover.

So now I try to express what I want, need.......to my wife. It's hard because we hate hurting others...but the idea that I can hide the depth of emotion and connection I feel with my Other Woman from my wife (caps intentional) is crazy. And if my wife decides trust can't be rebuilt, that we haven't or won't reach that level of passion, lust, desire....then I'll let her go too.

But right now, I'm on the side of the road and a damn country song ...."Just to see you smile"....comes on, and I'm frozen again knowing this is my theme song.

Posted 6 months ago #
findingMYway
Member

Wow jmark (nice to see you BTW - changed my name, again).

So VERY sorry to hear this... So very, very sorry. Time truly does heal all wounds though, even wounds of the heart. It's so sad, the emotions we put ourselves through when we decide to have an affair. I wish it on no one. Even when your actively going through one.

Be strong, both of you. Believe that life is what you make it, you will get through this, and hopefully you will come through a better person.

Try new things, drag yourself out of the dark cloud you are in and force yourself to do things, even if it be alone at first. Get YOU back to YOU! How can you be anything to anyone if you can't stand on your own two feet!

Stand up and be strong, open up that dirty window and take a deep breath... It's a new day :)

Tim McGraw also sing a song you should hear... It's called "live like you were dying".

Posted 6 months ago #
Anonymous
Unregistered

I read your stories and I so weep for you and feel your anguish. Leo Buscaglia wrote: "I don't believe in unconditional love. In fact, I think it's unwise. My love has a condition that if ever my love keeps you from you, from your growing, and realizing your personal potential, then I must step aside. No one has the right to stand in the way of another's joy, development or unique perceptions."

He also said "When we care less about our feelings, our rights, our happiness, our security, etc., and begin to concern ourselves with the feelings, rights, happiness and security of others, we will have found the power of love."

Sometimes we have to let someone go because their happiness and potential is greater than our need to hold onto them.

Posted 6 months ago #
purplelily
Member

So Fallen, was it worth telling your wife in the end? Just curious now that you have all of this perspective. I know hind sight is 20/20 but I think we were all shocked that you confessed without really having made up your mind to leave your marriage for your affair partner.

Posted 6 months ago #
Fallen01
Member

So purplelily, it sure doesn't feel worth it right now. That's because in my degraded, raw state, I fiercely wish I had used this time to be with my lover, instead of separating from her and then ending it so I could try to figure out what I was going to do with the marriage. Because the EMA blindsided me, I really didn't understand what was going on in my marriage enough to just up and leave it after the 6 months of bliss.

So this is obviously the hard part. But assuming I recover myself, get back to ME, then I will have real choices. My wife is turning it on for me. She looks great. I don't think we could have made these changes in the way we treat each other without a huge explosion like this. Had I never told her and just ended it, things would have plodded along the same, and who knows what would have happened.

I had a long talk with my lover in the hospital parking lot yesterday so that she understood much better what I was doing and so we can avoid barely contained hostility. (God it felt good to be near her.) Either things get better with my marriage than they were before - so far, so good - or I leave and find my lover ... assuming she has not moved on. THAT's the scary part, but I guess it's better than leaving my wife, dealing with divorce and being ostracized by friends and family, and never having tried to save the marriage without the distraction of the EMA.

So objectively, yeah, it still was the right thing to do.

jmark, I love your post. Thank you for reaching out. I sure would like to hear more from you. I'm assuming you told your wife, but are you holding out hope to be with your Other Woman? Or is she "gone forever"? How did your wife respond to your telling her about the affair? What you said about hiding the depth of your feelings for the OW really rang true with me. I am so broken up about my lover that I can't possibly hide it. It upsets my wife, obviously. And people think I'm being selfish. Maybe, but jeez, the pain is very, very real, and overwhelming.

One thing I fear is that my marriage will be just good enough to stay, but not good enough to be anywhere near what I had with my lover. That we'll get along fine but the intense desire for my lover won't really ever go away, and I won't feel unhappy enough in my marriage to justify busting it up and hurting the kids. Community pressure plays a big role here; I've come to understand that had I followed through with leaving my wife, my community - family, friends - would have shut down to me, and I'd be alone with my lover. Not such a bad thought sometimes, but I know in the long run that would make a successful relationship with the OW quite difficult and complicated. I really don't want to live on in mediocrity, realizing only when I'm in my 70s and too old to change my relationship that I made a mistake. How f*cked would that be?

Posted 6 months ago #
Brandy
Member

Fallen...I think you raised a good point that's relevant to all of us who feel stuck (me not so much as my OM has shut down): the marriage is good enough to stay and not completely fulfilling especially knowing the glimps of perfection we had with the lover. It comes down to different mindset for decision making. Some go for the bottom line security, some take high risks for the potential high reward. Statistics and other people's opinions don't always work for an individual. But I think you are doing the right thing as painful as it may be. Give it sometime the information you are taking in now will start to shape your own thinking. I know right now one of the biggest fear for you is that the OW will not be an option for you anymore if you let her go now. I think unless you know you are going to leave your wife for her, you have to let her go. It's only fair for all of you. Just think in the long run if you do end up together after all you have tried to work on your marriage, you will have no regret and know for sure this is the right thing. The worst case is that she's gone and your marriage's broken. But your working on your marriage will help to make the worst case less disasterous. And even in this case, something positive will emerge: You will be free to have a fresh start armed with the life lessons learned. Hang in there, if there is any comfort to you, there will be a bigger women to men ratio as we age.

Posted 6 months ago #
purplelily
Member

thanks, fallen - I like what you said about the lost time w/ your lover during these months of reconnecting w/ your wife --- but I have to say - if, after 20 years of marriage, you wife is still bringing the goods, willing to stay with you after all of this, hold her head high in the neighborhood and not feel like damaged goods and not poison the well with your children, she is a class act.

You mention the community and pressure - I've had to go through a lot of soul searching - not about making a life w/ my lover because he is not available, but actually divorcing my hb. I have come to the opinion now that I don't give a shit what anyone thinks (other than the children involved), including our parents, siblings, neighbors, work community, et al. It took me years of contemplating this to arrive at where I am now. I used to think about our wedding, and how everyone in the audience was a witness to our marriage and pledged to help us succeed as a couple and I would get all teary eyed. A couple of close calls medically and approaching mid 40s you start to realize that your life is YOURS. Your happiness is your responsibility. You said it at the end of the post - the regrets in old age about not taking a different path when faced with a fork in the road.

There is a way to do it - a no fault divorce, where neither party is called out as the bad guy -- perhaps dreams change, career goals change, whatever but it is amicable and both parties want the best for each other. Or you just do it and realize you don't owe anyone an explanation and the next big story will come out and the town will be wagging their tongues about it and you'll be old news.

So back to the other woman here - is she mad because you told your wife (did she have any say in that action, btw - did she want you to tell her, not want you to tell her or didn't know about it?) or is she mad because you didn't follow through somehow - like telling your wife AND leaving AND moving in with her? Really she has no right to be mad at the latter. She should want the best for you. As much as it hurts me, if my lover told me he had to break things off to focus on his marriage, I would do it because I love him. More than I love me. Anyhow, did she specifically leave her husband so that she should start a life with you - and was she scorned in the community? Or because the marriage was bad in other ways.

Look, for a lot of us our marriages will never be as good as we have/had it with our lovers. There are many reasons for that, I think a primary one is the longer the affair goes on, the less you want to have sex with your spouse, the worse it seems to get (probably in part due to our poor contribution to the effort)- I am not sure you can get that back. I don't think I will ever be attracted to my hb sexually the way I am with my lover, it is not getting stale for us and it's been a while now. Then throw in the soulmate connection, the interdependence - the marriage is never going to return to its original state. The other thing is you have an emotional affair - when something good happens to me at work, i never tell my hb anymore, always my guy. If I am low or something is bothering me, i never tell my hb, I call my guy. So you start this withdrawal from your marriage. I don't know how you can get it back. I've tried telling things to my hb and he is completely disinterested now, doesn't pay attention when I am talking, just doesn't care. Honestly, part of that is my fault.

Well sorry for rambling - I am glad you shared and continue to share your story with us. I hope you can come to some conclusion about the way forward, one that you won't look back on with regret.

Posted 6 months ago #
isabelle
Member

purplelily...Your last paragraph is so true. could have written it word for word!! I'm in bed now laptop with me, hb in another room watching tv sex is getting less and less i have no interest at all he now given up trying, very sad. I love my OM so only want to make love to him, and we talk so much during day I have no need to share and talk with husband. Not that he listens only to criticise, and mock, but that is another subject...

Posted 6 months ago #
Fallen01
Member

Brandy: respect. Thank you. That's some of the best advice I've gotten in 4 months. It also happens to be the path I've chosen so it's great to hear there is a potential win/win. I am SO tempted to plead with my lover to wait, but that would be such b.s., shitty for her, because you're right, I do NOT know for sure that I am going to leave my wife. I do love my lover and while my desire to "have her" is sometimes stronger than the need to see her thrive, I need to control myself.

purplelily, my lover is hurt. She knew I was going to tell my wife; she kind of just hung on for the ride and followed the advice of her counsellor (which happened to mirror my counsellor's advice): back off, tell him you love him, and that you'll be with him when he's available. Well, a month later, I'm not only not available, but I ended the affair. Ugh. I made no promises but we definitely fantasized and talked about the future. I clearly said I was telling my wife with the goal of being with her. I just didn't know how I'd really feel until the kids started crying and everyone else started shutting down to me. So understandably, my lover is hurt and at times angry. No, she is not leaving her HB for me, but it's pretty brutal to be going through divorce herself with children and in the middle of it, having me, her light, turn away.

Right now I'm really focused on my OW. I need to pivot to my wife before she loses patience. Yes, my wife is a class act. She's just not easy in the best of times.

Posted 6 months ago #
torchforRA
Member

Fallen. I need to weigh in again. You seemed to have sort of skipped over my first message and frankly some of the people answering here are 1) women and 2) aren't in your position and in fact have little to no interest in saving their marriages. Everyone's perspective is helpful and welcome, but frankly, other than Jmark, I'm the closest thing here to your situation.

I was so close to telling my wife about my EMA last fall. The pressure was building. I could not in good conscience keep leading this double-life. I was so happy with my OW and yet so miserable at home. It was becoming impossible.

then her HB discovered it and it all blew up. She promised she would be in touch soon and that I was her dream man, her soul mate, and I would always ALWAYS be in her life no matter what -- and I haven't heard from her in over 3 months. So much for promises. I did however hear from the husband and that was awkward, to say the least.

But put that aside. I have perspectives and questions for you.

I assure you that to some extent your views of both your lover and your wife are SKEWED. You see your lover more positively than she actually is and your wife worse than she actually is. That's part of the attraction of the EMA. It's addictive and you don't see things and others objectively any longer. consider this as a possibility. If your wife is still sticking by you and trying hard even after this revelation, you might give her the benefit of the doubt and really WORK on your marriage. Give it an honest shot WITHOUT your lover in the picture at all (No Contact!!) and open up to her in ways you never have. Go to couples counseling. REALLY open up about what you're missing in your life and how this led to your affair. You will find that it's LIBERATING if nothing else. You MAY find that there is a better marriage waiting. Or not. But at least you TRIED. Give it a year. If you still feel like you'd rather be with your lover, leave your wife. But give her an unfettered opportunity to improve
your marriage without interference.

One thing you said struck me because i could relate - you're worried that your marriage will be just good enough to stay, but never reach what you had with your EMA partner. Correct. It never will be. But could it get BETTER??? of course. And then see below. What you have with your EMA partner now may not translate in the long-term to a legitimate relationship. So what if your marriage was better? Will that be enough for you? If not, then really, you need to grow some balls and get divorced.

As much as we idolize our lovers, none of us (not even you, Purplelily) really know if we were with them full-time and living with them whether it would be the same. You just don't know! How many times do we hear about people who left spouses for each other, even got married and then split up within a few years (or even starting cheating on the new spouse!! I know of one of our members here who, if honest, would admit to this!!)? the reality is that the allure of the EMA fades when it's no longer an EMA. When it's not all about dramatic, loving email missives, phone calls and elicit sex. When you have to deal with someone every day, paying bills, dealing with issues and living with them. IT MAY NOT BE WHAT YOU PICTURED. EMA partners are great-- they are devoid of many responsibilities to us that our spouses have. As I said above, we idealize and skew our thoughts about them because we've never REALLY had to live with them. It could work out. You COULD have the relationship with the EMA partner that you envision -- but consider that it might not be what you pictured. And where will you be then?? Divorced. Children crushed. Family and some friends hating you. And significantly POORER. And alone again. Ask yourself if it's worth it.

Your OW is single right? They make the worst EMA partners because, frankly, they want more than you can give them (in most cases) - they want you to be FREE and have you all to themselves and unless you are willing to do that, they will fade away in time anyway because the clock is ticking. They DO deserve more than most married partners can give them and so it stands to reason! She will not be happy or understanding that you're trying to give your wife a shot and, God forbid, that you still have SEX with your wife! Just read some of the other posts. EMA partners that are married understand this better than single ones -- but they come with their own complications (less available and far riskier). Single partners also have less to lose than married ones. She could rat you out, call your wife, your neighbors, your friends. Since she works where you do, she could REALLY ruin you. You say She won't....but you don't know what people will do, especially when DUMPED. And when they have nothing to lose themselves...so....

One more perspective -- don't shit where you eat. Sleeping with people where you work is almost always a bad idea. Others ALWAYS find out. And you now look sneaky, immoral, etc. Is this how you want to be seen at work?

Anyway, I'm living in the ruins of the EMA and working on the marriage. I have some of the same concerns you do. I feel damaged. I wonder if I can be the husband I want to be. i wonder if this will happen again. I wonder many things. But I do know this -- at home I have someone who loves me desperately and although she doesn't know what happened to me, she knows that something is not right and she's trying. And that's worthy of respect. And I have 2 kids who need me in their daily life and not at the end of a phone. It may seem mundane. It will never be as exciting as an EMA. But no marriage is. But it has a beauty and integrity all its own. it's worth your best efforts to give it a go.

I would be glad to discuss with you directly. Here's an email address to use. I'm available to listen or help in a private way, if you wish. torchforRA@yahoo.com

good luck to you. I know where you are. Consider your life WITHOUT your EMA in it. Then you will make a better decision. I am NOT telling you what to do. I just want you to THINK from all sides before you go further than you did. You've already done big time damage to your wife, your reputation and your kids. Think before you take the next step! if leaving your marriage is what you conclude, at least you did it for the right reasons. Not for elicit pussy.

Posted 6 months ago #
Cheri
Member

Yes Fallen.. That would be me that has been there done that and doing to my new hb..

Thanks Torch.... :) I have the knowledge that the lover you see isn't the one that you end up living a life with. They are completely different. Like you said bills, discipline of children (especially step children) future ideas.

It's not always better on the other side.

You have a woman that loves you unconditionally.. Don't lose that.

Posted 6 months ago #
torchforRA
Member

I don't believe that unconditional love exists...not romantic anyway...I think love comes with MANY conditions. I know mine does.

but thanks for the words. I had a lot to get out on the subject and I just flowed today.

Posted 6 months ago #
Cheri
Member

ok so unconditional is the wrong word. but if she is willing to try even after being told that says something about how she feels.

Posted 6 months ago #
Fallen01
Member

Thanks Torch, all. Unfortunately, I have proven to have good taste in women. I know my lover is a keeper. Her assets are many, and our connections go way back in common history, way of thinking, and all the rest. I realized a lot of this before the EMA was even a consideration in my mind. The very first time I had a real talk with her she impressed the heck out of me. She's one of those women that people gravitate to, with a strong, loving community that supports her ... she just has bad taste in men. Ha! No, she is not single, she is separating from her HB any day now. Since we're not talking, I don't know the status. I do know that she is no psycho. I'm the psycho here, writing emails to her and sending them to myself, freaking out at her curt responses at work, unable to sleep, unable to focus.

Torch you make all valid points. I may email you or I may not. The issues with my W are longstanding -- worried that I married her for convenience because of so many things we have in common from having known each other for so long. But some things were never right, and my lover filled them in perfectly. Y'all know how it is. Now that I've tasted my lover, I may be too damaged to keep up the simple life.

Posted 6 months ago #
Brandy
Member

Fallen...Thanks for the kind words and glad my 2 cents resonated. As much as it is painful for you right now, from my observation you are in a better position than 99% of us here. The rest of us are either dumped, caught or in perpetual limbo. You are just about the only one who took control in your own hand and did what you think the most honerable thing to do given the circumstance. Whatever it is that made you decide to work on the marriage and end with the OW will be the force that drives you in this direction for the time being. It sounds like your OW is respecting your decision and giving you space. This could make you feel more of the pain of loss. But in time you will probably come to appreciate her attitude more, as I do my OM now nearly 5 months after our last 1 on 1. There is an expression of freedom and purity of love in setting each other free. Hope you will stay the course that will leave you with no regret. As Torch said, you will either have a better marriage or you will know you should leave W.

Posted 6 months ago #
Metro
Member

This post has been my story too. I've read it with such sadness and I don't know any of you. A bit pathetic if I say so myself.

"I don't think I will ever be attracted to my hb sexually the way I am with my lover, it is not getting stale for us and it's been a while now. Then throw in the soulmate connection, the interdependence - the marriage is never going to return to its original state. The other thing is you have an emotional affair - when something good happens to me at work, i never tell my hb anymore, always my guy. If I am low or something is bothering me, i never tell my hb, I call my guy. So you start this withdrawal from your marriage. I don't know how you can get it back."

You are very good at writing the story for many of us on this forum. I am very much in the position of Fallen. Husband knows, the OM is staying away apart from a few "friend type" texts, and I'm here seeing if I can re-build my marriage with a HB who wants me, wants our marriage, but I feel nothing for. What I am really struggling with is the day to day sadness. Every morning I wake up thinking that today will be better. That today is the day it will sink into my soul that the OM truly doesn't want me, and I will find a way to feel happy and in love in my home.

Every morning, by the time I crawl out of bed, I realize today won't be the day. I'll be sad again, and force myself to be somewhat productive even though I spend way to much time checking to see if he's sent a note. (He hasn't.)

"One thing I fear is that my marriage will be just good enough to stay, but not good enough to be anywhere near what I had with my lover. That we'll get along fine but the intense desire for my lover won't really ever go away, and I won't feel unhappy enough in my marriage to justify busting it up and hurting the kids."

This is a big question for me. I try to think forward. In 10 years, 20 years, where what choice will allow me to look back and realize I made the right decision for me. I don't have the option of being with the OM. For me it's be at home or on my own. If I'm on my own I'm opening a door to find someone to meet my needs, and I recognize I'd be much smarter going at this a second time. If I stay, can I find joy and love and passion. My gut says no, so what am I doing holding on.

My HB and I aren't angry anymore. I think I need to get over the OM before I make a decision to leave, but what if that doesn't happen. Can I truly evaluate the state of my marriage when I think about someone who isn't here almost every moment of every day. I'm a successful attractive woman with a great business and amazing kids. How have I got myself into this disaster.

Fallen, at least "we" now know how good "it" can be with someone else. No Torch, "it" doesn't include paying the bills or looking after the children, or disciplining the teenagers. What "it" does include though is that feeling of wanting someone like you've never wanted anyone before in your life. That feeling that Pulplelily talks about where you want to share everything with your partner, good and bad. Maybe getting married young doesn't set us up to know these things will matter.

We need to go to the land of least regrets. It's too soon to decide for sure what that is, but at some point, that's the direction I hope I will take. Right now, I think I'll be on my own. I hope that I can do that without that secret wish that the OM will come my way. I can't ever count on it and somehow find the mental fortitude to get it completely out of my head.

Thanks for sharing Fallen. I am you but a female version. Your wife sounds amazing, as is my HB. I just don't know if it's enough.

Posted 6 months ago #
purplelily
Member

Torch; need to set the record straight with you. I have no idea what my life would be like with my lover. I am the one who is saying don't get divorced solely because of your affair and move right in with your lover - I am the one who says get divorced ONLY because your marriage is messed up and be alone, on your own. That you have to see your lover through different eyes before you jump back into a domestic situation, you need to date like normal people.

And please don't say that I don't care about my marriage (you implied that none of us women do). I am actually the one who has stayed in a marriage where my husband has cheated on me for the last 17 years and I stay and turn a blind eye for the sake of our children. We are adults - we can makes choices - they are helpless and victims of our bad decision making. What we do to them now can influence how they feel about love and marriage for the rest of their lives. I have gone to great lengths to keep my miserable marriage together so I don't F up my kids. Think about it - what if your wife cheated on you the whole time you were married?? How would that make you feel? It is very painful to be married to a womanizer and have people laughing behind your back and worse. I keep a happy home front going and although many of you may not believe it, our children truly have no idea there are problems. And I wasn't out looking for an affair when it happened, I was quite content to be in my loveless marriage and my job was my love until I bumped into my guy.

I am very sorry that your affair blew up- it is everyone's worst nightmare. But please remember that I am also the one who says that I am VERY prepared for my lover to choose his new marriage and young child over me, remember? Even though he says he would still want to be with me and has said that repeatedly? We ALL need to be prepared for that likely event.

And to tell you the truth, I sincerely doubt we will ever actually be together. I am a realist here, not an idealist or a dreamer. And the longer I am with my lover (5 years now) I do see some of his faults, and he sees some of mine. It's not just all wild, wonderful sex, we actually have a relationship and that means we share the good and bad things. We've grown as a couple, not just in bed. We get upset with each other sometimes, we have communication issues, we work through them, we don't gloss over everything and think of it as some panacea.

Just wanted to make sure you totally understand my point of view out here, I think you have me painted completely wrong.

Posted 6 months ago #
taizy8
Member

I wanted to say to Torch also that he seems to paint everyone with the same brush. I am separating from a person with personality disorders and can't look after his neediness any more. The OM I met has been with a controlling manipulative person for many years. Yea we both have our own problems and are quite aware of them.. we don't plan on moving in together anytime soon or riding off into the sunset. Most of the time we meet we talk as we have so much to catch up on. The sex is amazing, yes and well it should after 8+ years of very little or none, with people we no longer had any emotional contact with. We are both the same age so he is not after some young "pussy".

Hope you are doing a bit better, Fallen

Posted 6 months ago #
dancing.star
Member

Fallen:
It's been a while I don't come to the forum. I have been through a tough ride lately. Reading your posts made me remember of how I used to defend my EMA. I was in the exact opposite position that you are.
I am single, he is married. We met, had this incredible connection that we just couldn't explain or resist. Every time I tried to think of it rationally, I would find a million reasons not to be there, but nothing really mattered. I was ready to face ALL obstacles to be with him. Those were not petty things - he is 20 years older than me, have 4 kids, we were part of the same group of friends within a small community, etc..

He was planning on divorcing his w to be with me. I made sure to let him know that if he was going to get a divorce it should be because of his own reasons and not because of me. He promised me he wouldn't leave her for me. Then she found out. He broke up with me, we were devasted just as you are now. Both crying on the corners, exchanging e-mails, phone calls, it seemed like we were doing a huge mistake, but still, the right thing to do. I supported him in his decision all the way. Never ever asked for anything.

10 days later, we met for a coffee. We just wanted to see each other and chat as we used to, we missed each other so much. Well, that did not work. We got back together. He left the country for 10 days, and we spoke on the phone and chat on skype every day many times a day. He finally decided not to go back home upon his arrival. He arrived back, we spent the afternoon and the night together, and the next day he decided to go back home. I gave him all the support to do that (like jmark). I told him he should not leave his wife devasted at home to be selfishly happy. He could not treat her with such despite. He told me he was going back home, but not to the marriage and that we were still together and he could not live without me.

15 days later, he calls me to ask that I don't call his office cause she was going there. I said "ok, so call me later." He said, "I will and I love you." Ends up that she found out again that we were still together. We had not seen each other since he went back home, but we were together.

I received calls, e-mails, notes on my doorstep from her. some of them she signed as if it was from both of them. I did not respond. I waited. She wrote to our friends in common forwarding some of our e-mails. I did not react. I was waiting for him.

It's been 17 days now. I am not waiting anymore. He never called me. Last thing I heard from him was "I love you". Like Torch.

I spent 10 days in bed. I could not bear the idea of waking up to life. I just wanted to sleep so I wouldn't think. I couldn't eat. I lost over 10 pounds. I didn't do my work. I missed deadlines. And he did not call.

I was worried, then I was angry, now I'm sad. I have NO IDEA what is going on there.

Anyway, sorry for going on with my story. I just wanted to share it with you, because I was where you are now, and it was so strong, that we took a path that just caused more hurt to everybody.

Now that you decided to end the EMA and give your marriage a chance. I strongly suggest you start NC with your lover, in a friendly manner. Otherwise the temptation might be just too high to resist, and you might decide that it is all worth it. IT IS NOT.

I asked him to not contact me so many times. He said he couldn't. He had to at least talk to me while doing the right thing. He pushed me back into it 3 times. And then he left me hanging.

There is no way to make healing faster. At least I have not found it yet. My mind is all over the place, I keep trying to make sense of things. But nothing makes sense. To start, it doesn't make sense that I fell for a man 20 years older than me and married. Imagine everything else that happened after that. I feel lost. But now, I don't even know who he is anymore. And I believe he ended up doing that because of the enourmous confusion he had in his mind trying to figure out what to do. He was weak. It was not fair. But I gotta respect his decision. What can I do?

So, all of this to tell you that I feel your pain. I know how hard it must be for you to decide to do "the right thing" when it feels so wrong. But don't go back and forth in this decision. Let your lover heal from the pain and move on. One day maybe, things can be different. But don't try to keep her hanging on your side, like I was, it hurts too much. In the same way she has to respect the decision you took to work on your marriage, respect that she needs to move on. I wish I had understood that before.

Sorry to steal the thread to drop my bomb. Suddenly I felt like writing about it for the first time. I hope you feel better soon. My heart goes to you, to your lover, and to your wife.

Posted 6 months ago #
cantbelieve
Member

Fallen - I just wanted to take the time to write as I can feel you pain through your words. I just want to say that I can relate to how you feel. There is nothing that compares to ending a relationship that has nothing wrong with it except timing. My OM and I are winding down, just because of our spouses. It hurts and I am sad. There is no real resolution or true ending because we both still care about eachother, the timing is just off. Who knows what the future holds, but I have decided that I need to make sure my marriage won't work before I move on. I think it is over but can't seem to make the break, fear I guess. My husband is not a bad person but we are just not compatable, probably never have been.

Anyway, just know that people have felt your feelings, they are intense and they hurt. Wishing the best for you.

Posted 6 months ago #
Fallen01
Member

I am in the sweet spot for this forum, you guys are a lot of help, seriously. I laugh too at the idea that you could all be frauds yet I know you speak the truth because I recognize you and you recognize me.

After 8 days from breaking off my EMA, and nearly 5 weeks since we last kissed, I may be reaching some kind of turning point. I still hurt immensely. I just really want to ask her to keep a flame for us, to not become angry with me and decide "never again." Because I don't know if it is going to work with my marriage. The way my W is now, and with the counselling, it very well may work. And in any event I can see not wanting to leave her without being able to go to my lover. Therapists tell you not to leave one person for another. Well, easier said than done. So I feel rushed, so that my lover doesn't drift too far. Because I told my W so that I could be with my lover. That momentum is still going.

So the turning point is this realization of my lover's point of view. She's a smart, realistic woman, despite the circumstances. She's probably realizing our chances of being together are slim, and she really is moving on. To hear from me asking her to hang on in any small measure could be offensive and hurtful. Or maybe if she hears my pain, and it comes from the heart, she might understand and forgive the transgression. And most of all, know that I'm not just going to fall out of love with her. That I will hold a flame for her.

Dancing.Star's post is helpful in this moment. Thank you.

I just wish I could stop waking up with her music in my head and launch every day in despair. At least today I was able to force it out and think of another, neutral song, and see the world through her eyes a little.

Posted 6 months ago #
Brandy
Member

Fallen...laughed with your thought of us all being frauds. A little sense of humor is desperately needed in this situation. So glad you are getting settled a bit today. No matter what happens we have to get on with our days or something much worse could happen. I totally understand what you said about not wanting to fall out of love with your OW. Till this day I still hold a flame for my OM, that will probably never go away. You did the right thing to break off with her. I couldn't make myself do it, not even when there was indications of him wanting out, nor could he even when I asked him point blank. We were at a point where being nice to each other became putting pressure on each other. So I had to interpret his intention as moving on based on his total lack of action. It's OK to still keep the flame without keeping any hope. I am giving him the respect and space he needs, but hoping that with patience and care a real friendship may be formed in the future: It may be my wishful thinking, but in our few recent communications I heard his thoughts of me on occations. I can't bear being totally out of each other's life forever when we had once cared so much for each other. I can tell she will never be out of your heart either.

Posted 6 months ago #

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