told my wife, ended the affair, in pain « Having A Discreet Affair

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told my wife, ended the affair, in pain

(124 posts) (25 voices)

Started 6 months ago by Fallen01
Latest reply from sexlessintx

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tina b.
Member

Wow.

Fallen, let me make sure I understand this. You became involved with a woman who's about to go through a divorce and become single mother -- a woman who will shortly have no backup at home when it comes to keeping her kids' emotional worlds stable through divorce, and who will be responsible for doing the lion's share of the breadwinning in her household -- and who has a long, long commute. You made promises to her, then pulled the rug out from under her, totally shredded and humiliated her. And she's looking for another job? If it's because of the commute or because she's had an offer of more money elsewhere, that's one thing, but if it's because of you -- why aren't you the one looking to move on from there? She has a network of friends and colleagues, a reputation, presumably some seniority; why should she lose it all because you weren't clear about what you wanted?

If you're going to pull out of her world after all that, I really think you should do it all the way, rather than making things harder on her and her kids, emotionally and maybe financially, by sitting there in her professional world. It sounds like you're a radiologist; are there no other hospitals or outpatient clinics in the area?

Finally, please don't try to smooth things over with her. Don't try to talk to her if she doesn't initiate it. She has a perfect right to loathe, despise, hate, etc. you. Let her get on with it and deal with it. You want things to be smooth because you can't bear the thought of her thinking about you this way, but this is really selfish; it's about you. Just step back from that and let her get on with the most important job she has, which is to take care of herself and her children through one of the hardest times in their lives, which you've just made harder. is it awful and painful for you, sure, yes, but I guarantee she's got a harder road. And -- finally -- please don't send her an email telling her what a hero you're being by stepping back and letting her do this without interference, wishing her the best, etc. Because that's also, really, for your own benefit.

I find this is a very common thing, by the way -- married men getting involved with single mothers, and having no idea how much energy they have to devote to childrearing, how much their children depend on them, and how important it is that the mothers be emotionally healthy and happy so that they can care for those children. Because the men by and large have wives who do most of the childrearing in their own homes, and of course the children don't really exist in the context of the affair. Please, fellas, respect the jobs those women are doing, as well as the needs of the children.

Posted 6 months ago #
dancing.star
Member

I'm gald my post was helpful to you. To be honest, for me too it is hard to bear the thought of not having him as a part of my life anymore. Here I am, tossing and turning in bed, trying to sleep for a few hours but can't stop thinking of him. I keep trying to believe that he is trying to do the right thing and end one thing properly before starting another, and wanting to forgive him for all the suffering he has caused me. But rationally I don't allow me to, so it has been a constant battle between letting him go and keeping the flame alive to a moment where he will come back and tell me what the hell happened. Wishful thinking, like Brandy said.. I know.
Sometimes I think it was better when he wanted to keep us alive. It made more sense. Again, rationally I think this (NC) is the best way for me to move on. It's just so hard. I too wish I could just stop feeling him inside every single cell of my body.
I also think of myself as a smart and realistic woman, yet I truly loved him. I still do. I don't think I am able to just fall out of love with him either. And the craziest thing is that I still feel that I'm waiting for him, despite all of his actions (or lack of). So, in the end, you don't even need to ask her to keep the flame alive. I think if it's true, she won't be able not to. It's still very recent. Falling out of love takes time..

Posted 6 months ago #
purplelily
Member

tina b - you make a good point about motherhood and the energy and effort. i know some single moms who can't find a good man because they also want to be coddled and pampered and that's the last thing those ladies need - is to add another child to the dinner table! lol!!

as for our man fallen, yes, he did set her up in a way for major disappointment. but i've seen some of the strongest people i know change their mind on huge decisions when they see their kids cry. she should have realized it wasn't a given - she can't possibly be "all that" to make him turn his back on 20 years of a good thing at home.

disappointing your children, your legacy, is the most heart wrenching feeling of all. you can feel it from something small like reneging on a promise to go to a park or out for ice cream, all the way to giving up on a marriage and taking the other parent out of the household. although fallen says he is staying for his wife, i very much feel he is staying because of the kids and the pressure he feels from the community, which would be parents, inlaws, friends, etc. this is all very complicated and thus must be thought out for a VERY long time before taking irreparable actions. you can't fix the damage that's been done, and you'll be in damage control mode the rest of your life. i have a good friend that was caught having an affair with his neighbor - it was very ugly and public. his wife made them move to another city nearby, move the kids out of their school, etc. She told them they had to leave their friends behind because their father had an affair - ouch! She chose a huge house w/ a pool that was way above their means, made him buy her an expensive sports car, and she now has the best and latest of every kind of gadget, clothing, purse, jewelry etc. He'll be working his ass off for the rest of his life to make up for banging some broad in her garage, someone he didn't even love, just used for sex. worth it? hmmm.

Posted 6 months ago #
Fallen01
Member

Yeah, Tina, I hear, you, there is a lot of self-absorbtion going on right now with me. It's pretty pathetic. That said, my lover is an adult and she made her choices too. She said emphatically at the beginning that this should never break up our families, that we'd stop the affair before that was ever on the table. So much for that.

I am looking for another job. The first one out of this hospital wins. I cannot stand to be in the same building with her so many days a week. She knew well before we ever ended it that if we broke up, she would have to leave. I thought I could handle it but now I see I cannot. I hope that with both of us looking, the time when we will be able to get out of each other's view will come twice as fast.

I know my lover's history and she has a tendency to walk away from love when it starts to walk from her. I know from the few messy communications we had early in the break up that she misunderstood why I was ending it, assuming I loved my wife more than her, which is just not the case. This is why I feel I have to ask her to keep me in her heart if she possibly can, even as she moves on.

This isn't just some random woman I screwed over. We became very close. We shared this love. I f*cked up my marriage to be with her, and nearly left my wife of 20 years. I never promised anything and I did exactly what I said I would do. And I meant everything I said. I go back on nothing. I have been told I just can't leave my wife for someone else, it doesn't work that way, that I must try for the sake of my children. We were misguided for thinking otherwise. So I turn away from what's right to try to fix what is already broken. I'm devastated. And I may have to leave a job I thought I was set in for life. I am paying a price too. I would hope after all this, having fallen so deeply in love with this person, that I can tell her one last time, 10 days after the breakup, how much I love her. And ask her not to forget me. No? Too much to ask without being branded a total selfish dick?

Posted 6 months ago #
purplelily
Member

Fallen - she should be MUCH more understanding, i am worried about how she handled this with regards to what kind of life partner she would be?

Posted 6 months ago #
Fallen01
Member

purplelily, she has handled it just fine. She is giving me the space I need. She's behaving so well, in fact, that in a way it just makes it worse, because it just shows what a good person she is, a keeper. I was talking to Tina, not to my lover.

Posted 6 months ago #
tina b.
Member

Right. Which is why having affairs when there are kids at home -- mm, should be off the map. The risk of major damage is just too great, and there are no do-overs.

When I was very young, long before I had a kid of my own, I had an affair with a married guy with three little ones. I thought -- well, I thought like a single guy. I figured he was a big boy, this was about him and no one else, and oh, how wrong I was. The kids came through OK and, as far as I know, never found out, but his wife surely knew. And she was a very sharp, admirable lady who was not only raising those kids singlehanded but finishing a PhD and carrying his alcoholic rear end, and I helped make her job much, much harder. I hear he cleaned up his act after that, and I'm glad, but I resolved never to tangle with something like that again. A really luscious opportunity arose, too, but luckily I recalled that I knew the wife, and that we lived in the same small town and would for years, and that the kids were young. Years later both the husband and the wife thanked me for not going with the moment.

Is it self-denial? Sure. But what Jackie O said is still true.

Posted 6 months ago #
purplelily
Member

ok, sounds good. you need her support, for sure! these partners aren't just our lovers but best friends, losing both would really pull the rug out from under.

Posted 6 months ago #
tina b.
Member

Fallen, leave her alone now. If she's that bright she knows how you feel. Just back off and let her get on with it, and don't seek to spread the blame, either.

Posted 6 months ago #
torchforRA
Member

wow. I knew I would catch shit from people by being one lonely voice daring to say that perhaps EMA's are not a good idea or that our lovers are not ALL that we think they are! I expected it. Some here come for help, but others coming here as a mutual support group to justify to themselves why having an affair is ok -- heck, even BENEFICIAL to their marriages! so be it. It's a forum. We all have different perspectives. Attack me if you will, but it really makes no difference to me. Nobody here really knows who I am and how I feel. I can live it.

I sure as heck don't think everyone here is the "same". FAR FROM IT. I see a lot of parallels to my situation and Fallen's -- more than others here.

I too want to set the record straight.

1. Purplelily. I wasn't criticizing you. You however MADE my point -- which was that your situation if very very different from Fallen's and that my experience was far closer to what he's going through. It's not a put-down. It's just a statement of fact. He hasn't justified his affair based on what his wife has done or not done. You do. You constantly say that you are having your affair because your husband has "cheated for 17 years." It begs the question why both of you are married, but to each his own, I don't care. I for one have NEVER justified what I've done based on my wife. We both certainly have contributed to an environment that made my EMA possible -- but I take 100% , full responsibility for my own behavior. I have nobody to blame but me. It sounds like Fallen is similar. In fact, he has said my GOOD things about his wife here. I have empathy. You clearly have no interest in saving your marriage -- am I wrong? You seem to really resent your husband!! I don't think that this is similar to Fallen's situation at all! THIS WAS MY ONLY POINT. I don't care if you have an EMA or not. Seriously. It's your life and you have to live with yourself. I just think that Fallen is far more conflicted over this than you and some others are. Therefore, he needed THAT perspective as well.

Again, my only point. I'm not judging you and I'm not concerned about your motivations or situations. I really wasn't criticizing you. NOBODY on this forum is pure and good. We are all guilty in different ways. But I saw parallels in Fallen's situation and mine so I thought my perspective would be particularly helpful. ok? Peace??

2. Fallen. I hear ya. Your lover is different. You KNOW it will work. She is such a great person. The best woman you've ever known. Your soulmate. You are "meant to be." I hear ya. I felt the same way. R was the most amazing person I had ever met. She VEHEMENTLY and CONTINUOUSLY told me that she felt the same about me, how I would always be in her life, how I was the man of her dreams, how certain she was that we would end up together. Right up until the time she was confronted by her HB and I haven't heard from her in 3 months. Not a goodbye. Not a peep. I'm not saying that you can't trust anyone or that your woman will abandon you. not at all. All I was saying in my message was this -- you need to consider all possibilities before you abandon your wife whom you yourself has said is a good woman. That's all. That things may not be exactly as you perceive them now. Distance may give you perspective as it gave me -- that my lover was NOT the great person I thought she was - CERTAIN she was, and that my marriage was not nearly as bad as it seemed when I was at the peak of my EMA. That perspectives get skewed. When there are kids involved, I think you really need to look at this as realistically as you can before you make a decision that could be irreversible.

That's my only point here. I wish you good luck and happiness. I know what you're going through. I've been there. If you need understanding and perspective, I'm here. Neither as advocate for your wife or your lover. Just as a guy who just months ago was exactly where you are now, except that I never confessed.

K?

Posted 6 months ago #
purplelily
Member

Torch, first of all, thanks for the note. I am not having an affair because my hb is a serial cheater, I was not interested in finding another man at all, was consumed and having fun building a huge career and being a mom. I accidentally bumped into my guy and the rest is history. I don't feel some sense of entitlement that hb does it so I should be able to, as well. I am just saying that my level of guilt is much lower and that he never digs into my life because he's not clean either. if I am discovered, he will not make a huge deal about it, as I have caught him in the past. So yes, we're at a different place.

I think your dose of realism is good out here. It makes me feel uncomfortable because this is the 5th year I've spent with my guy and thinking about him treating me the way RA treated you just seems so inconceivable. Even if this blew up and he stayed w/ his young family, which I am guessing he likely would, I can't imagine after all we've been through he would just shut me out cold. Well maybe if faced with wife who says she'll make sure he never gets to see his child or something. I am not sure what happened with your lady but like everyone else out here in a love affair, just can't believe it could happen to me. So thanks for the reality check, but please don't make us all feel miserable every day, the sense of joy, hope and glimmer of a life that could be is something that keeps a lot of us going through the mundaneness and coldness of life. I don't want to start pinning my guy down on promises or "what ifs", prefer to just live in the present for now and enjoy this great ride. I could get hit by a bus today, so would like to go out with a smile on my face.

Posted 6 months ago #
torchforRA
Member

everyone's situation is SOOOOO different. Yours is vastly different than mine. Mine is much more similar to Fallen's but even there, critical differences emerge.

I just want him to think before he makes his next move. Think long, think clearly, think objectively.

and whatever he chooses, be prepared for the consequences, especially the ones you don't realize yet.

I seriously SERIOUSLY misjudged the character of R. And it only became apparent when the shit hit the fan. A "Friend in need is a friend indeed", right? When I was in need, she was nowhere to be found. In fact, what has occurred was the LAST thing I expected. I didn't expect her to break every promise she ever made to me and disappear. BUT SHE DID!!

It can happen. Trust me. But you're right - 5 years is a long time. I have a friend who's been in an EMA for 13!!

peace.

Posted 6 months ago #
purplelily
Member

Thanks for the note, 13 years, OMG! Wow, that is truly amazing. Sometimes you hear about long term affairs when famous people die, you know - the mistress of 20 years slips into the back row on the church dressed in black with sunglasses. Well maybe that will be me! Would rather be in the front row, but who knows where life will take us, might have to settle for the back. I am sorry you were hurt so deeply by this woman, it just stuns me that someone could be so cold. Maybe better to find out now than later, in some twisted way. Well thanks again for the note and peace to you, as well. :)

Posted 6 months ago #
Fallen01
Member

Torch, since you haven't heard from RA since she was caught, I'm not sure you can know what is going on with her. It's pretty classic for the spouse to catch them and demand immediate no contact. When faced with that stark choice, regardless of how much you love your affair partner, anything can happen. Take it from me, and I didn't get caught, I was totally in control of disclosure and process. Now here I am 11 days later, still completely devastated. I wake up every morning with this song in my head she told me about late in the affair that is just so perfect. And it tears me up. I see her so clearly. I know what she's doing at that hour -- exactly what she is doing. Is she angry with me now? Probably. Does she miss me as much as I miss her? Hard to conceive, but maybe she does.

And now for another day at the hospital with her upstairs, trying to focus on my work. This is ridiculous. I'm honestly not sure how long I can go on with this despite the good advice to clear my head and look at my marriage honestly.

For all you know, RA, your lover might have been going through the same thing I am now. I'm just saying.

Posted 6 months ago #
torchforRA
Member

We were in contact after it's initial disclosure. but then he found out that she was still in contact and then I told her to 'lay low' for a bit but to find safer ways to contact me (get a phone card and dial from a pay phone near work, email me only from a local library, write me letters at my work). She said she would. Then 4 weeks went by and no contact. I was in agony. That's when I came to this forum. Finally at week 4 I heard from her - she called me from her job. She was quiet. Distant. Unclear what was going on in her head. Said she would "call in a couple weeks". That was something like 14 weeks ago or so. I stopped counting. Not a word. No goodbye. No explanation. All of her words, all of her promises went up in smoke. As if they never happened.

Her hb showed up at the door to my house 3 weeks ago. Quite a shock. He was a nice guy but I wasn't sure whey he was there. Fortunately my wife wasn't home. Said he "forgave" me (not sure why he felt I needed to know that!) and that he and R had discovered each other and were very happy and that I had to promise that I wouldn't contact her. I hadn't even though I could have. Although he made it hard - her phone numbers were changed. Her email addresses terminated. She does not have her own phone at work so that wasn't an option. I could've written her there, however, but I didn't.

Unlike you, I don't work near her and she lives 3 hours from me, so running into her isn't really going to happen.

I had been on the verge of telling my wife when this whole thing blew up. I'm now glad I did not. I DO want a better marriage and that it would've been impossible if my W knew.

I don't really know what she's going through because she hasn't told me. I never got my closure. I never got my goodbye. I wasn't chosen. But she could've been nicer about it.

All I'm saying is that she made MANY promises to me and all of them have been broken. I was as sure about her as you are about your OW. And here I am today without her and I've moved on as best I could.

I hope you find your peace.

Posted 6 months ago #
undiscovered for now
Member

WOW! RA you are still so very angry. I do feel very sorry for you but you don't seem to be getting any better dealing with this than when you first started writing. I think everyone here knows they are taking huge risk having a secret life and we weigh that against the joy we have found. I'm sure your story will be repeated by many in the future because affairs have been going on since the beginning of time. I do truly hope you find some peace in your life in the near future.

Posted 6 months ago #
dancing.star
Member

I agree with undiscovered. I am in a similar position as Torch.. I, too, didn't get any closure. No goodbye, no explanation, no "shit hit the fan, let's lay low for a while", NOTHING!
Last I heard from him was "I love you and will call you later". It's been 23 days.
I was devastaded.. now I'm trying to focus on myself again and getting back some of the 10+ pounds I lost and trying to be healthy again. I still think of him every single day and many times a day. I have accepted that this is what it is, and there's no way to change it. But I keep wondering what happened, what led him to make this decision, and even if I really knew him at all. It hurts, I still love him, I miss him SO incredibly much... I'm miserable, but I try not to cultivate the resentment that I feel Torch still has.. It is not healthy and won't do us any good...

As for Fallen, I have to agree with Torch. You have to try and distant yourself from the situation in order to see it clear. Like Torch, I COULD NEVER EVER IMAGINE my guy would act like this with me. Maybe she is threatening him, it's possible. It doesn't change. some kind of smoke sign would have been nice. I was ready to mess up my ENTIRE life for a man who was too much of a chicken even to give me a good-bye. When we're in the high, it's very hard to see clear, and this is my ONLY point. I wish the best of luck and clarity to keep going, Fallen.

Posted 6 months ago #
Brandy
Member

dancing.star...I feel your pain and also see you are a strong, self-reliant woman who will eventually recover from all this. Your post gave me some perspective about where my guy might be. He was the single, I was at one point thought about leaving my marriage. So in my case the gender is reversed and we were never caught. My perspective may be very different from your guy's, but I can tell you at the point he was most ready to accept me into his life I also want to go that way but circumstance prevented me from actually taking any action at all. Althought there was no barrier for me to contact him, I had to step back not only because of his changing attitude, but also because I knew I couldn't give him what he wanted and thought it would be better to let him go about his life without my interference. We are not in hard NC, but definitely withrawn into a just (bearly) friends territory. So there is a possibility that he just didn't want to mess your life too much. If that's not all he has in mind, at least partially.

Take a page from my guy's playbook: he told me that he would never give up his life for me. Which sent chills to my heart, yet it was a shot of wake-up call and made me see how unhealthy a relationship could become if one or both parties gave up too much of their own life for each other. I do respect his independence and I am sure you want yours respected as well.

My heart goes out to you and hope you are healing and finding the closure you need in yourself.

Posted 6 months ago #
dancing.star
Member

Thank you Brandy. Really appreciate your post. I also think that he might have done that for my own good. That is why when I imagine a possible future conversation between us, the first thing I gotta tell him is "thank you". For the amazing moments we had and for letting me go before I ruined my life. Although I still think that there are MANY ways of doing just that, and he did not chose the best possible course of action. In any case, it's his decision, I gotta respect and accept. I was starting to give up too much of myself for him, as you said. Only after all that I realized how much I gave up, how much I lost and how little, in the end, I gained. The most valuable lesson though was that this kind of amazing love is possible and can happen, just hopefully next time , if I'm lucky enough to experience such a thing twice in a lifetime, I will be more successful.

Posted 6 months ago #
torchforRA
Member

undiscovered. I totally disagree. Yes, I still carry anger and resentment towards her for her lies and the cowardly way she cut me off without a word.

but I'm dealing with it quite well. when I first came here, I was in AGONY and pain, and desperate to hear from her and to get her back. I told EVERYONE who said "she played you, you will never hear from her again" that they were WRONG! That I believed in her and her promises to me and that this was temporary. That I still loved her desperately!! That's where I was when I arrived here in early November. In love, in agony and desperate for someone to give me "hope."

I no longer feel that way. I resent her and I no longer want her back. it's too late. My good feelings about her have faded. Clarity in my mind about the situation has returned. I learned many lessons from it. I think I'm doing just fine, thanks.

but I will not forgive her. I can't forgive anyone who completely betrays me. Who breaks every promise she made to me. Who allowed her moronic husband to show up at my door without warning me. no, I can't forgive. It's ok. The anger drove the desire for her right out of me. I won't make this same mistake again with anyone.

so all in all, it's a positive thing. I don't feel anything like I did when I came here in early November. Not at all.

Posted 6 months ago #
dancing.star
Member

I'm sure you are much better than you were, Torch. That's not what I meant when I agreed with undiscovered. I just think that the anger and resentment doesn't do you any good. It may have made it easier for you to "forget" her by focusing on the cruel things she did. But keeping these negative feelings inside us is not healthy! But it is a matter of time, and there's no recipe - each one of us will find their own ways of coping. I hope it works well for you!

Posted 6 months ago #
fillykicks
Member

thanks for sharing your story. I have been the OW for almost a year and OM just ended it with me for the same reasons that you speak of. Its good to hear the OM's perspective on this to know that maybe they do hurt too. This is the hardest thing that have ever been through. The feeling of rejection by him after the time we spent and the very close relationship that we developed is oh so hard. I admire your decision though. It definitely is the best thing for children. You've made a good decision for you and the OW. I keep trying to tell myself the my OM has made a good decision for us as well. It is still very painful. :(

Posted 6 months ago #
dancing.star
Member

I'm sorry fillykicks. You seem to be having a good perspective though. It took me a while to start thinking this way (that it would be better for us to end it) and it surely helped. Indeed the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. But once somebody told me that he did not reject me, and after he confirmed it. He didn't chose her over me. He chose the package, the kids, the family, the finances.. basically, the "easier" path that is really not easy at all.
Hope you heal soon and count on the forum if you ever need to vent. It can be very helpful! :)

Posted 6 months ago #
bigheart_girl
Member

I still think of my X everyday, but it gets easier. Now when I think of him it's not overwhelming. I'm able to think about the things I liked about him and somehow the all the bad things have faded. I found it to be more beneficial for myself to turn all the anger into focusing on what I got out of the relationship instead of what I lost. Regardless of how it ended, I did gain an amazing experience and connection with a person that I never would have anticipated. They say that all good things come to an end, and I do believe now, more than ever, that that is true.

If we had met our significant other while being single, and them also being single, it could've worked out... but then again everything in life is timing.

So, try to remember what you gained, and not what you lost. Would you rather have not met them at all if you had the choice?

Posted 6 months ago #
torchforRA
Member

you have a great attitude bigheart, but how much of it is reality and how much of it is you WISHING that's how you should feel? what if he told you TODAY that he wanted you back as the way things were? How tempted would you be?

to answer your question, no it wasn't worth it to me. The pain. the anguish. The destruction of my heart, my trust, my feelings. No. I wish I had never met her. The good times we had do not overcome the aftermath.

I'm like Brandy. the callous way I've been treated by her makes me wonder if I ever meant ANYTHING to her, or if she was just getting what she couldn't get at home - or living out a fantasy by having an affair with a very passionate, attentive musician who has some minor celebrity around here?

she went back to a hb who she claimed she NEVER loved passionately, whom she loathed having him even touch her and to a marriage she claimed was "all but over" repeatedly?? Where is the truth? She lied to him. She lied to me.

I guess I'll never know. Words are cheap. Her actions however speak volumes. And none of it is good.

for some of you, focusing on the "good" in the relationship will help you. not me. If I did that, i would keep carrying a torch for her. it would keep hope alive. The door open a crack. That's no way to "move on."

By focusing on the hurt she caused me, her painful indifference to my suffering -- to perhaps see her more clearly, I drove out both hope and desire for her. A much easier way to get over someone for me.

Posted 6 months ago #
debra61
Member

Torch - I want to quote an old Skeptic line...Why do we make ourselves miserable.
If an affair partner is not or did not produce total pleasure then forget about them for good...move on...We are all in the age group of our second wind. We knew the reality of the situation but, we chose the later...if I think back at the words of the Roman God from Playa land Central...my inner voice said it was too unreal to be real...It was when lines got drawn in the sand and the hot heat of the deserted feeling's became a mirage to ponder for the both of us...retreat back to a safe water whole to drink freely...My husband no matter how "horribly needy" and frustrating he can be would walk on fire for me...he is too damn easy...I am everthing and more to him.
I am not into that behavior...oh I want the "bad boy" the rebel without a cause.
At this juncture into Spring...I am of a Peace seeking missel mindset. Harmony around me without the drama of a full moon night seems to be the course taken for me. I am done giving of my sugar for my neighbor borrows my romantic nature freely without replacing what he has taken with respect. RESPECTFUL people are the people we all should glue ourselves to their AURA. The only possible solution to any proposal of a sexual nature from the Italian whom I still feel a deep affinity for is that he shows me the divorce papers signed and sealed and that he wants me to join him in North Carolina to begin our life together in a Restraunt by the Ocean with his Sister who lives there...NOT going to happen. I would go - if he professed a true image of himself - he would not do that because he is a poser...a cocktail persona. He is a fantastic actor! For now, I will be a merely a neighbor that has to live by him.
You all know the game girls and boys...He is coming back to me for another free dose of sugar...good thing I do not have any sugar left for my own personal sanity.
Torch...she is coming back to you some day I can feel it. I hope I am strong when the short stack comes over for syrup instead of sugar since the sugar is no longer.

Posted 6 months ago #
torchforRA
Member

I don't WANT her to come back, Deb....except so I can really give her an earful and tell her what I really think of her now.

You leave the door open a crack for the short stack. As does Brandy. As does Bigheart. As does Dancing Star.

I can't do it. Too much was lost. She killed the good from what was "us." It lies in tatters, bloody and squashed at my feet. I slammed the door shut, nailed it in place, cemented over the cracks, strung barbed wire and buried landmines on both sides of it. There is no room for her in my life or in my heart.

She made her choice. She walked away from someone amazing who loved her as much as a man can and who thought the world of her. And she threw it away on a man she claimed she had never "REALLY loved" and hated having sex with. she chose a marriage that she told me was "all but over".

she made her bed. let her sleep in it.

Without me.

Torch is working on his marriage...with difficulty....some day Torch may be back on the market, singing "Love for sale!!" from the top of his lungs...or Torch may even become The Skeptic, and find love in someone else on the side...but R can't and won't be an option in any scenario.

I hate to use the word "hate" when it comes to people...but I have moved towards true hatred. What she did to me was unforgivable. UNFORGETTABLE. Cruel. Self-centered. I'm the one left in the dust, and she has shown not one iota of humanity and caring for my feelings and pain. so be it. People -- especially lovers -- can be so GOOD when it's easy, but you see people's true mettle when they are put under stress. And her colors were painted "coward" and "liar."

I wish you good luck with the restaurant thingy. If that does happen, tell me and I shall drive up there to be among your first customers!

wouldn't that be a fitting sort of thing?

peace to you, my valued friend.

T

ps. calling him "short stack" made me laugh out loud at work!! I love the way you write, Deb, even if, at times, it's a bit dense and hard to navigate...but always always worth a read

Posted 6 months ago #
Fallen01
Member

Torch, man, you're still feeling the passion. You are still connecting with her emotionally whether you like it or not. You may be back on the market, and you're kinda "on the market" with your wife. It would do you good to get to a good place, to benefit from your EMA and feed the good things about it (you know there were good things, we all know what they are) into your existing or next relationship.

Bigheart, I like where you are. I have no regrets, even though the pain is nearly unbearable sometimes. (I just want to write her!!) But connecting with such an awesome woman, and pleasing her, and learning that I am sexy too, was irreplaceable. I grew so much and learned so much about myself. I sure hope I gave back. Even this painful chapter is a learning experience, though one that I could do without. Now if I can just get her back in my life ...

Thanks for your note, Fillykicks. (great tag) It absolutely has to be painful for the married one that stays; I cannot see any other outcome. Probably because I'm blinded by my pain. Two weeks and a day after ending it, I'm still thinking of my OW most moments of every day. I did manage to get through yesterday without crying once ... instead, holding my wife while she cried and railed. I feel like a shit only crying about my OW and being all dried up for her. I do have my moments of peace now. Just moments. Some good perspective. But the rest of the time I'm scheming how to get back with my lover. I really am in love with her, whatever bullshit they say about affairs being 5% relationships or about the hormones or whatever. She has sent me a few emails at work this week, acknowledging some pain and giving me shit about little work things. It's paltry, but goddamn it feels nice to have a little connection with her, to know she's coming through enough of the pain to consider even touching me in any way at all. Of course, I fear that is why I think I'm gaining perspective. Ha.

Posted 6 months ago #
Fallen01
Member

"He didn't chose her over me. He chose the package, the kids, the family, the finances.. basically, the "easier" path that is really not easy at all."

Meant to say, Dancingstar, that is right on. I did not choose my wife over my lover. There is really no competition for my lover there. She wins hands down. It's the package, which comes with some very substantial carrots (kids happy, life relatively undisturbed, sharing finances, approval of friends and family, wife that's working at it) and sticks (unhappy kids, bitter wife, ostracization from my friends and family, money problems, complications beyond belief melding two half-families, etc.).

And it's not easy because (a) your marriage is damaged and (b) it is just so incredibly difficult to leave your lover when there's really nothing wrong with her except bad timing.

Posted 6 months ago #
torchforRA
Member

Fallen. Don't mistake my passion as a person (it's really my nature, and I'm sure one of the things that drew R to me) for passion for her. Don't mistake my righteous indignation at how I was treated by her for me wanting her back. Please.

I was directing this at Debra, who has assured me repeatedly here and by email that "R will be back." She doesn't quite believe me when I tell her that I really don't WANT her back. Somehow this doesn't get through to her! lol. but Deb IS different, I'll give her that!

I may have been in love, there may have been good times, but I'm not a doormat. Nobody walks on my back and then expect me to turn the other cheek. I'm not that foolish.

fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

She showed me her true colors. I gotta believe now that half of what I experienced was a lie. I was too in love to be objective about her and who she was.

Now I have that clarity. I'm no longer waiting every day to see if the phone will ring to see if the diva will grace me with some contact. LOL.

Nope. I'm doing just fine without her. She made her choice. I've moved on. Completely. Am I still pissed at her? You bet. But I'd be pissed at anyone who broke strings of promises to me without even a glance backward.

It's just my nature.

Posted 6 months ago #

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