Big age difference, cultural difference... a distance affair

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Big age difference, cultural difference... a distance affair

(23 posts) (6 voices)

Started 6 months ago by Biggap
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Biggap
Member

Hi,everyone, I'm new here. I am so happy I was able to find this place where I saw similar feelings and emotions and stories. Okay, My situation: I am 29, my OM is 63. Both married. He is an English and I am a Japanese. My kid is 4Yrs old. We started 5 months ago after he kissed me in his office. We have incrdible sex together. We both don't attempt to leave our partners. He was my boss. I got a job in a different city and moved last month.

I miss him everyday. I couldn't control myself and went to see him last Thursday, had a great time together for couple of hours in the morning. But as soon as we returned to his office, he became extremely busy and ignoring me. I had meetings/work there too, but felt so bad waiting for his call the whole day.(We are still doing a joint project together)..Finally he asked me to see him before he went home,then he told me how tired/busy he was...How many important papers were waiting for him to read at night...I was so disappointed. ( All I wanted at that moment was just a warm hugging and intimate talking with him).He was so tired and not in the mood for a lover/personal talking at all. I could feel that. I was upset but pretended nothing was wrong and hoped him a good sleep at night. The same situation for Friday, he was busy meeting all day long. I was almost crying while working in the lab. I asked myself, why the hell did I come to see him? Just for a couple of hours morning sex in the hotel?!!! No! I wanted to talk to him, to let him know how much I missed him, to look at him and remember him deeply in my heart. I cried out loud in my heart but had to keep working.

He sent me a text at 4pm: Busy? I answered: yes. I was really really down at that moment. I didn't want to see him at all. I hated to say Goodbye to him after 1.5 days waiting! I am the kind of person who is scared to death to say Goodbye, it's hard and heartbreaking for me! I counted the time since Thursday evening, and got frustrated / depressed on Friday...He did try to come to talk to me for a couple of times during the day for 1-2min in public, But I felt awful about it! I had to pretend everything was Ok but my heart was aching! I couldn't hug him in public! I just wanted to have some private time with him! I finally went to his office after I finish my work at 445pm. Only 15 mins together...What a joke! I shouldn't have gone there to see him at all, I was weak I know. He looked at me with smile...Said: "u r too busy to see me today!" That's not true! God! I came all the way to see him not for work but for him. He knows it! If he was free, I could have ignored my work but spent all the time with him. He knows it! He kissed me gently for 2 mins,looked at the clock, and sent me to the station. Very sad, grey Friday for me. I lost my heart there and lost my confidence in him. This is not the first time I had this withdrawal feeling. When we were together in the same city working in the same place, He could always switch off and put all his energy back to work, especially after our intimate time! I felt like I was only useful to fill in his void when he is free from work, or need an excitement!He told me he loves me but now I don't know if I can believe it anymore.

He finally sensed my abnormal behaviour in his car and said:"u r distant today".I was soooo sad to hear this, he was the one who has been distant, not me! He didn't show his passion to see me except the time he met me in the station and hotel! When I asked him in his office:"when will you be free today?" ( 3hours after we had great sex in hotel) He was so busy and answered:" I don't know, I have a meeting in 2 mins, Now just leave and come back at any time when you want to. Please, just leave!" I got hurt...I ran away, crying in heart. I know he is busy busy all the time and he doesn't like me asking for a definate time becasue he doesn't know the answer, But I hate it too! I just want him to give me a clearer answer so that I know how much longer I have to wait! as always! I don't want to go there to see him again, to have a great sex and get hurt again by his coldness!!!! But I am weak I know I porbably will go there again. I missed him so much this weekend and hated him not sending an email/text at all!

Please Help!!! What shall I do? I love him so much, with my soul and heart. But, does he really love me? If yes, how could he be so cruel to me? (especially when he is in the working mode?) He calls me regularly, tells me he loves me, he wants me, but he is also happyily staying with his wf/family without thinking about me on the weekends and holidays (No contact). I am really really confused... What do I mean to him?

Posted 6 months ago #
isabelle
Member

It sounds by your post that he is in it for the sex, I only know from what you have written there may be more to it than that, but that is how it reads. I do think they can go cold after the sex very easily, the deed is done and the guilt and shame arrive until the next time and it all builds up again, say no a few times if you are strong enough if he really loves you he will still want you, think we all have a gut feeling to this you probably know deep down if it feels right and it is real!

Posted 6 months ago #
Biggap
Member

Thanks Isabelle. I don't know if he is in it only for sex or something else.As I can see,he is a workholic,he is very serious when he is in the working mode, just can't be distracted at all. That's why I respect him so much at the beginning I guess...But...I am a woman, I want him to put me as a priority occasionally. (Or at least during my visit). He got annoyed several times in the past, because his work was piled up due to our intimate time together. I don't like the feeling that I have to fight with his work/routine! He is my first EMA, and everything is so new to me. I am so confused now, I don't know what to do. I will try not to contact him for a week and see how it goes. I hope I can be strong, isabelle....I hope...

Posted 6 months ago #
veryconfused
Member

hmm honestly i think from the way you have described, he's not into it emotionally - at least it seems for now. that was how i felt when my affair started and im on the other side, i wasn't romantically involved even when i was sleeping with him - it was sex sex sex. i guess i found my emotional needs elsewhere - myself, my family, etc. he was then the one who got attached and had to confess because he needs to know where we are going. of course its much nicer when your affair takes you to another level but honestly, sometimes the more you don't press for it, it will come to you anyway. it is really hard to stay detached if you are phyiscally intimate but don't forget that it was the independent, sexy woman that he wanted in the first place and not something chasing behind. at least that's not what i want for myself. i'm also asian in an affair with a british and well from my experience, they like that you are different, so keep it that way. mysterious, sexy, independent and smile your prettiest each time you see him. stay strong!

Posted 6 months ago #
Biggap
Member

Thanks, veryconfused. I think I am emotinally attached to him, I can't deny that. He is smart, hard working, full of energy....He helped me a lot for my research, and he is very generous in this respect: always happy to help people out if they have problems with their researches. He is 34 years older than me, he is so patient and experienced, I guess I can't win in this situation.

He is happy with his family, happy with his wife (except that his wife lost the interest in sex). He said he felt empty without me being with him, a big missing part in his life, I don't know if it's true or not. I used to believe it! But I know for me,I am in love with him, not involved in EMA for sex. However, I can't think of leaving my son, not at all! And my husband is inocent, he loves me. I feel myself a very bad person, good person won't have EMA!!! My family is lovely and I love them, how can I fall in love with someone else? So easily?

I am not the kind of person who can play games, I listen to my heart and follow it. I used to work next to his office and see him everyday, we both agreed working together is too risky: We always kiss each other and couldn't stop. I almost lost myself in the past month after moving away from him, I was thinking about/talking to/ emailing him everyday. He said we were like newly married couple, just got excited and so happy by talking... He told me that it was so new for him spending hours talking on phone for nothing (considering how busy he is and how many meetings are waiting for him). He enjoyed it apparently. We had lots of great time together/being seperated in different cities.

The problem is every time I am not happy with his No contact/coldness, he doesn't know what's wrong(or pretend so?)... He thinks I have a problem with my job, and try to show his understanding by postponding the date for me to show him results, giving me space/time/freedom to breath, waiting for me to get back to the normal happy mode. But the thing is I need him to be with me, not to stay away for myself to recover! I am a silly woman, you are right, I should be strong and stay a bit detached! I have so many things to do with my new job, new city, I need to settle down and stop thinking about him! I felt much stronger and happier after writing here:D Thanks for your thoughts! Now, I guess I just need to stay attach to this forum....

Posted 6 months ago #
veryconfused
Member

i understand totally how you feel about no contact.. my OM does that sometimes especially if he is insecure about something. to me, if you are insecure then we should talk over it but i guess men's way of dealing are just so different. the latest episode over past weekend is still taking its toll on me, even today we spoke on the call he's just distant. and i know the next time we meet (soon! phew!) we will be okay again. i really have to get used to this type of roller coaster ride, since now emotions are involved.
its of course easy to advise you but not easy to do certain things myself. i told myself not to ask him to call, but well i asked again. i told myself not to email him like a needy woman but well i did it again. it takes a lot to stay detached and somehow guys can do it better. in my case i only was able to do it in the beginning because i have my emotional support elsewhere until he confessed so i direct my emotions at him. and since then, the good part is we get sooooo damn close and happy and the bad part is we can also get sooooo upset when things seem a bit dark.
you know, reading through this forum allows me to see that many pple are going through the same thing, and somehow helps me to understand my OM better and not demand some impossibles. i hope you find your way somehow, and yes stay around so we can support each other :) i found this place and im gonna stick around!

Posted 6 months ago #
confused
Member

Started having an affair with a 28 year old 7 months ago via the internet. I'm 57. The age difference never bothered either one of us! We decided to meet and it became sexual right away. My OM went back to his own country but we continued to be in contact. When he returned we decided to get together. This was one month ago. I went to where he lived and that is when my HB put it all together and realized I was having an affair!! My OM through our affair led me to believe that he had feelings for me and by this time I was emotionally involved with him! For financial reasons, his and mine, we were hesitant to move the relationship further. When push came to shove, he bailed and I haven't heard from him since.
My HB took me back and immediately wanted to start marriage councelling. We have only had 3 sessions but I don't feel we have made any progress. My HB has been dishing more hurt and pain on me than I think I can take and he has been playing with my mind...one minute loving, the next hashing over the EMA, over and over! I am drifting further away rather than closer. Right now, I think I would be happier on my own but my financial situation is not good. I feel trapped and very weary! As far as the OM is concerned I have tried to contact him and get some closure so that I can move on. The withdrawl is very painful! He has not responded! I am in LIMBO!
So happy to have found this forum and it helps to know that other women out there are going through similar feelings. My HB took me for granted for over 30 years and I decided that life was too short and I wanted to be happy. My OM made me happy and filled the void in so many ways. Now my life is in chaos and my EMA has affected so many people! I will welcome any and all comments no matter what you have to say!

Posted 6 months ago #
Biggap
Member

Oh, veryconfused! You are speaking for me now! When emotion is involved, things are out of control! We can be so happy at one moment, very very high, but jumped to the hell quickly when things go wrong! I had to phone him today for business, I didn't mention anything personal, I was happy I didn't complain or make things worse because he wouldn't understand anyway! I just wanto to cool it off a little bit.

Confused,I am sorry I have to ask you a personal question if you don't mind. My OM told me his wife lost interest couple of years ago. She is at the similar age as you. I am just wondering what you feel about sex? Do you believe his wife lost the interest totally? I can't imagine if they still have sex, this is killing me. I am already mad at his focus on work, I can't fight with another beautiful woman out there!(Sadly I have to say, she is very pretty, I met her only once in their house party and I like her very much.I think I am lucky, at least I am not her friend, I am feeling guilty to her now.)

As everyone else, my life was a bit boring but seemed happy before I met my OM. Actually we've known each other for over 2years but just started 5 months ago. He brought me extreme happiness,excitement and fulfillment. I was motivated by him emotionally, physically and scientifically. I was able to achieve so much with him. He was like my guilder, my hero, my closest lover. But I just don't have the confidence. He wrote to me one day: the alternative would be for us to run away together which is a wonderful dream but not facing reality.

I don't understand it! Does he want to live with me as a dream or not? Or it just means we can't be together in reality? What does he want? I asked him, he said he doesn't know. I hate this weak part of me, wanting his love and attention.

Oh, God! I still remember we were sooooo happy when we met in the station. We'd been dreaming about the meeting for the whole week with hot phone calls and intimate emails! He was extremely happy I made the visit! I don't understand how he can ignore my emotions totally after he returns to his busy working life? When he called me this morning, he thought I was not happy because he asked me too many questions/tasks for work. He told me nicely:"I won't chase you for results, I will wait for your report when you have time to analyse data." I was so touched because he lowered his reqiurement for me (he is a typical demanding boss) But I was also very upset he doesn't understand the problem between us. I stopped sending him text/email/personal calls for the last 3 days! How can he be so stupid/strong to ignore it! I wanna cry again, ladies....I am so weak now...

Posted 6 months ago #
veryconfused
Member

dont be sad biggap.. i just chatted with my OM online. he more or less put me through hell for 4 days now and guess what he didnt really think much of it. for us, each minute, each hour, each day with minimum contact is hellish. for them, it is normal nothing unusual and he still care and still want you. that seems to be how it goes. i dont see my OM everyday but once or twice a month depending on our work demands but each tiime we meet it is great. and when we don't it is just so hard. i cannot believe he let me go so unhappy for a few days and think i can handle it well. i think without this forum, i would have gone crazy missing him and wondering whats wrong with him. now i accept more the difference between how a man and a woman handles an affair/relationship.
dont cry, we are here for you :)

Posted 6 months ago #
Biggap
Member

Thanks very confused!!!

I know there's a difference between men and women. But at least we should care about each other! I don't understand men's thoughts. When I go close to him, he is happy and responding. When I go distant to him, he is careful and stays away from me. How can I make him chasing me? Bad joke! He will never do this to me! I just want to find a way to be happy myself all the time without getting hurt too much. I can't take my love back and hide it, it's too late. But I hope there's sth I can do to make it easier/happier for myself!

Posted 6 months ago #
taizy8
Member

"Why can't a women be more like a man" ... Is that something from Pygmalion ?..

yes, what I have gathered from this forum and from life in general is men and women definitely think differently. Mentioned somewhere else here: "Men are from Mars. Women are from venus" about a man being on an elastic band and the more he pulls away the more he springs back.. and needing his cave etc...

Well I was married to a man I call the "Clingon" ... he was desperately clingy ... would need attention all the time and after a year of separation still calls me most days. I have learned to think more like a man. Though in the initial stages with OM I was clinging to every text and so sad when we parted.. now we have stopped contact ...for near future ... because we get disturbed by the yo yo and because we both have work to do.. Difficult at first, but getting easier ... and more productive in the long run. What is it about us women that we need such reassurance ? and its mostly women here on this forum, the men just get on with it... maybe they are able to compartmentalize more ... but aren't women supposed to be the multitaskers ?

Biggap, seems like you need to keep this guy guessing a bit and be the strong independent woman... better for the long run.

Posted 6 months ago #
Biggap
Member

Hi, taizy8, I read that book too. I understand the cave and elastci band thing. But sometimes I think this book is written for the men! They want to have freedom of doing anything they want, write a book telling women to understand them. Why can't they understand women and try to be as close/attached as possible? Why can't it be the other way around? They can go and hide when we are busy and we don't need them (there are plenty of chances/times) and come back when we need them! He is 63, he is mature and responsible, he should understand and care about my feelings. What is the truth: he doesn't understand my feeling or he doesn't want to understand?

Posted 6 months ago #
isabelle
Member

Biggap.... How tue!! Never thought if it that way. But they don't in general seem to think too deeply about it, to read a book to find out about us!! lol

Posted 6 months ago #
veryconfused
Member

tomorrow meeting my OM ...he's still not 100% 'normal' since 5 days now... let's see what happens tomorrow.. nervous...

Posted 6 months ago #
Biggap
Member

isabelle, Exactly. Men criticize us by saying that we are too complicated to understand. NO! we are simple. We only need caring, sharing, love and trust, nothing else. As far as they keep close contact with us, we are happy. Simple and easy! (We are not asking for financial help, responsibility or any heavy attachmentS, purely emotional attachment and regular contact, Is is so !!!! hard for them?)

Oh, I am so happy for you veryconfused. I will be waiting for your good news:D

I want to see my OM too, so badly. Today we had a long phone conversation. He was listening to me, telling me he couldn't figure out the problems last week and didn't remember his bad attitude untill I reminded him. He apologised, told me he was simply trying to finish his work and didn't mean to upset me. When I told him I feel he is into it for sex, surprisingly, he told me he has the same thought about me. Haha...how ironic it is! I have to laugh... We are lacking of the trust and confidence in this relationship even though we work together perfectly well and appreaciate each other, Sigh...I told him that he is too busy to have an affair, he didn't/couldn't deny it! this, made me cry again. I am a gorgous beautiful woman but can't get his attention out from his work!

Ladies, I know most of you here are sexy, independent and attractive, Please help me with my self-confidence! How can I make myslef glamorous? How can I grab his full attention? How can I make him attached?!

Posted 6 months ago #
Brandy
Member

Biggap...My sympathy to you. As someone who was where you were and from feeling I was everything he ever wanted to someone he didn't even want to answer the phone, I can tell you trying to grab his attention will probably not work. I was miserable when I put my happiness into his hands. The best thing as you may have heard from others here already is to put some distance and pull back a little. It's extremely hard to do when your heart longs so much for the love and attention. But it is probably the only way. Some ladies here got it just right. Go chek out Steve Harvey's book. He has some simple advice. Basically all you need to remember is that men are simple they want 3 things from women: loyalty, space and some sex. So give him space to go about his business that will get his attention. Meanwhile work on finding your inner happiness, it takes time and effort but the pay off will be worthwhile.

Posted 6 months ago #
Biggap
Member

Oh, Brandy! Many many thanks. I think I need your warnings so badly. I am unable to put distance as we are already hundreds miles away from each other. Sorry, bad jokes again. It's too hard for me to cool down at this moment, we had a period of 2 weeks working together, just like a honeymoon, closely working together everyday (talking, working, joking,having sex...), before I moved away for my new job. It's been a month since I moved and we met couple of times, the distance affair is too difficult to me. I can give him loyalty, space and sex on the basis that I am confident about his love, on the basis that I am given loyalty, attention and sex. The feeling is mutual, when I am not happy/content, I can't give him space, I just want to confront him or leave him.

With my OM, I can't leave him because I do love him, therefore I am a loser at the very beginning, I can't win. I hope I can learn to be more independent and able to protect my love, protect myself from getting hurt too much. I will search Steve Harvey's book....Thanks again!

Posted 6 months ago #
Brandy
Member

You are welcome. I hope the lessons I learnt not only benefit myself...
I think the biggest counterintuitive act is precisely against what you said: can't give him space while you are unhappy. I felt the same. But this is like a unfathomable pit that could suck you into a very dark place. It was the happy me that my guy loved, not the clingy, depressive me. So the more I tried to share my feelings while I was unhappy the more distance he pulled. This made me feel worse and wanted to confront him and so on so forth...you know the drill. Not good. It's the best if you just keep it light hearted and enjoy your good time together while you can and go about your own life while you can not. Good luck on your journey to find true happiness and love.

Posted 6 months ago #
Biggap
Member

Thanks Brandy. I am so confused with this relationship. I guess most women here are not clear about what we really get from our OM. Yes, of course, happiness and great sex. But once we are satisfied with these, we want to move on, to the next level, to get involved emotionally, it's natural/spontanous for women but probably not for men. The horrible thing about men is that they have the ability to seperate sex and love easily. While for me, it's impossible....

Posted 6 months ago #
veryconfused
Member

hmm i learnt lots from this forum and brandy, what you said about loyalty, space and sex i will always remind myself! loyalty and sex are easy, but coming to space, it is difficult to judge how much. i asked him clearly do you need me to stop doing this and that, he said pls dont stop, but reduce. but how much? he doesnt know and im just testing the boundaries. i guess eventually we will find some balance. i find that for my OM, when loyalty is questioned, he really puts a lot of space between us, rather than trying to get clarifications which is what women normally do. i question myself, why on earth am i not in love with a woman to make it so much easier - now i do understand better and better why women fall in love with women etc. but im not heading there, i love my OM and i hope it works out fine. seeing him in a few hours time, and im going to act so cool and pretty that he has no choice but to declare his love to me like he always does :)

Posted 6 months ago #
veryconfused
Member

biggap, try not to dwell onto this, as hard as it seems. but move on from the fact that men just dont deal with things the way women do. it takes me a lot to get over the past week, which is why i search for answers in the forum, in chat channels, etc. i have an ultimatum for myself. eventually this is for my own happiness, and yes we are into this also because we would like our OM to be happy too, but if one party starts to feel hurt or miserable, then its not to anyone's benefit. so if we managed to move on and stay happy, great. if not, i have to slowly put a distance and see what happens - actually i know pretty sure that the moment im able to put some distance, he's going to come bounce back so quick. i know him enough i can say! but i keep moving close just to satisfy my own needs. love is selfish afterall. im with you, and let's get through this and emerge as stronger women!

Posted 6 months ago #
taizy8
Member

My OM said to me on a lovely walk we had one of the last times we met, that isn't it nice to have "this" here .... the fact that someone is there for you.... somewhere.. and you get along with them. I am reminded as we go through this mutually space giving NC time that this is healthier than needing constant reassurance ... think of the old days when people communicated by letter.. we expect too much instant communication with phone, email and text etc.... Even living with someone and they have to go away for a few weeks it would be healthy to give some space. I lived with someone too closely and realize that I prefer to have a relationship with big spaces. If I ever lived with anyone again I think I would want my own room and bed. I think you appreciate more what you don't have all the time and sure many marital problems start with the little domestic arguments.

Posted 6 months ago #
Biggap
Member

Thanks veryconfused and taizy8. I have been away from the internet for 1 day due to the sudden chance to meet my OM for a night together. My funny, understanding, caring Guy came back and we had a wonderful time together. Both of us didn't sleep much but talk a lot. He confirmed, sometimes, he needs space to deal with the serious/important business without me distracting him. He also mentioned when the things are not urgent, he is happy if I can be there accompanying him. The same for the telephone conversation. I guess I understand him but still difficult to face the transition when it happens...just too quickly to cope sometimes.

Posted 6 months ago #

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