Short background, in affair for almost 3 years. First hook up I asked if he'd done anything like this before (both married)-he said once but she was a total psycho. Things carry on, I fall for him hard always maintaining tho that he's married and am respectful of that. In 3 years I had asked him one time if there was anybody else besides the obvious and he said no.
In the meantime we support each other and he tells me about a year ago a good friend of his has cancer, I talk to him and let him know I am there to help however I can. He calls Friday, friend died- read the obits today able to piece together the one which was his friend. To my surprise friend was a 30 yr old girl and it spoke of her meeting the love of her life & soulmate in 2003 and they fought the cancer together.At the end of the obit is a not fre om him saying he never knew love til her and love never ends, love is us... I don't know how to approach this..I need to know why he lied but don't want to landblast him while he is hurting over this loss. Even after I found out I was 3rd place...Am I wrong in wanting to walk away?
Kicked in the Ass
(17 posts) (5 voices)-
Posted 6 months ago #
-
Am I understanding this correctly? He is your married lover, but a girl dies (not the wife) and he is listed in the obit as her soulmate and the one that was there for her in the fight against the cancer?
After he recovers, oh an asshole like him, probably a week or two, I would block him from every possible way of contacting me after I told him why. This guy has no soul let alone a soulmate.
This scares me to death that many of us think we know our lovers but they could be someone like this guy and be leading several different lives while we are struggling to keep them in our lives.
Domino, I am so sorry. I can't even imagine the hurt and betrayal you are feeling. My heart aches for you.Posted 6 months ago # -
What the hell? That's all I can say! What will his wife think? That is so crazy.
I am so sorry, Domino. This is a big wake up call for all of us. We trust that our lover is ours alone, bad enough we have to share them with their spouse. But if there is another, they expose us to greater risk - of being caught, STDs, et al. And we risk a huge unexpected broken heart - this is unreal. Walk away. he will suck you into his vortex or pain and whatever and you don't need to be there. I believe this man has lost 3 women now and he's done wrong by all of them! I'll bet the poor deceased woman and her friends/family didn't know he was married!
Posted 6 months ago # -
Yes- You all read that correctly- he is married and from the way it reads there was another. He'd talk to me about his "friend" however, it was always in the male context until the day she died- it slipped while we were talking (I called to see how he was because he'd mentioned that the end was going to be soon)- He said "we lost her at 10:35 this morning". So, a couple days later I was looking for the obit, just curious and it started out saying on XX-XX-10 at 10:35 we lost a precious person. So I knew it was the one and to my surprise it was a girl in early 30's (which is horribly sad) it gave the date she met "the love of her life and soulmate, and together they went through the battle". And this is what was at the end of it:
You asked me if it was "OK to go now." Not long after that you left us. You showed me a love that I never knew before I met you. Please know that everything will be OK. Name Taken Out, you taught me "Love is patient, Love is kind, Love is not envious, or boastful, or arrogant, or rude. It does not insist on its way, it is not irritable, or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love Never Ends. Love is Us." I love You My NAME TAKEN OUT,
HIS NAME
I have a hard time believing she didn't know he was married, it's a fairly small area and he owns a business in that area, fairly high profile..
I've talked to him since and haven't let on that I know, services were yesterday and I called at night to see how he was doing- Planning on seeing him tomorrow night- this is something I want to look him in the eye on.Posted 6 months ago # -
OMG, this is just unreal. Now that whole love is patient, kind, etc is a verse directly from the bible. But it sure sounds like he was in love with her and that she thought he was her soulmate. I mean why would he allow this to happen? Do you think they published that statement from a letter he wrote her or something without his permission? Or his he naive enough to think that his wife wouldn't figure out it was him, and/or you. This is like a bad Lifetime movie! (i hope that made you smile!)
This is a huge kick in the gut, I am feeling for you. I would be devastated and also want answers. There is no way for him to deny this. I wonder if he will tell you that he needs you more than ever, please don't leave him, too, in his time of need? What will you say/do? Might want to think that through before you're in the situation.
Posted 6 months ago # -
I guess that is the hardest- he loved her or so it seems,and I know this hurts him.But if I was some sub when she got sick and he's with me because I remind him of her I don't want that (there was a pic of her on the on line obits, both of us are blonde, same facial features). His wife actually goes to warmer state in the winter months and stays with his sister so she's not around. So many questions...
Posted 6 months ago # -
We will be seeing each other tomorrow. It seems he thinks we will carry on and from our conversations he has no idea I read the obit... I guess the only way I can begin this conversation is how close were they and why would he tell me there was nobody else when there clearly was, besides his wife. I just wish he wouldn't have lied. Right now I believe she loved him and I feel horrible that she was in love with him yethe was having sex with me. When we talk about his spouse he said there is nothing, they live together but that's it and I can relate to that and thats why that part of the affair I was able to handle.. Purplelily- maybe I'll submit a story line to Lifetime :)
Posted 6 months ago # -
oh so that makes sense on the obituary - wifey not around to see it. i still wonder if the poor girl didn't know he was married.
i am so sorry for all of this, i know how hard it is to handle these things and still act normal at home, as well
Posted 6 months ago # -
Well.. we talked, he knew something was off with me once he saw me and we started the night as normal- yup, had to have sex, but it was good none the less.. I just asked why didn't he tell me and he told me flat out she was his soulmate. He told me how they met and he's taken care of her from that day on.. turns out wifey did know but hasn't left but hangs it over his head. And he admitted to others by this point I didnKt ask if it was while he was with me but gut is saying yes..If nothing else I made it very clear that it was NOT fair for him to be with me when she loved him and if he loved her... bottom line- I can cut off contact or I will be his friend throguh this, I know it sounds crazy but...
Posted 6 months ago # -
I'm sorry, I don't want to diminish his suffering or feelings, but this story makes me think that either he was with you because he knew she was not going to be around for long, or he is feeling that she was her soulmate because she died. We tend to glorify people after they die, and the thought of never seeing them again can makes us feel a lot stronger about them than we actually do.
In any case, it was not fair to any of you, unless she knew about you, which is a possibility if we take my first idea. But definitely not fair to you.
I do understand however, that you want to be his friend through this. After all, she is not around anymore (I know it sounds awful, but trying to be realistic here)and it is not easy to let go.. even when we are hurt. It's a tough situation. It would totally make a movie. That's why I think reality can be much worse than any kind of fiction. Not even great minds can ever come up with some of the worst things we see happening in life. Wish you the best! :)Posted 6 months ago # -
oh man, why did you have sex with him?! lol. well that went and messed up all of your rational thinking.
ok, if my guy of 5 years, who has told me that I am his soulmate, then told me that at the same time we were together someone ELSE was really his soulmate, and he also had a wife at the same time that he was in love with both of us ladies - it would just be crazy. i mean, this guys IS talented - he can run a business, keep up a marriage and two lovers on the side? one dying? don't mean to be a smart ass, but this is the truth.
sounds like you've already decided to stay with him. but consider if she didn't pass away -- would he still be carrying on with her? yes! whose to say some other hard luck story doesn't come around and he feels compelled to jumped in and be the white knight? there was obviously no husband involved - but did she have kids and will he try to play some role in taking care of them??? sounds like the type that would take them places, etc.
i agree with dancing star - maybe she became his soulmate after she got sick, we do glorify people in retrospect. or were they together BEFORE the cancer? then he might have felt compelled to stay with her.
still the obituary comment was schwarmy - it makes me feel like i need to take a shower! this is a married man, a prominent man in the town, putting that out there for everyone to see? does he have any couth or restraint?
i would worry that if you get hit by a bus tomorrow, there will be something in YOUR obituary or him at your funeral making a big scene with your family about how much he loved you. i would just question his self control, and his ability to carry on an affair discreetly.
good luck with all of this, and yes, truth is often stranger than fiction!
Posted 6 months ago # -
Thanks to both of you :) Agreed sex threw rational thinking out the window..From the obit he met her about a year before the diagnosis of hodgkinslymphonia (sp). Then in 08 after a year of being with me she got skin cancer and in 09 it took over her organs. She met him after placing a restraining order on her kids dad in 2003. She had 2 kids with her ex (dad now has the kids but "my guy" is in charge of the trust fund for them).His words "I took care of her and her kids when they had nothing" I don't know.. I wonder what happened in that time period when he started to see me; if they were done thinking the cancer was gone and she went back to him when it came back or what...Says he's coming clean with wifey about her when she comes back at the end of the month. Do I believe him? NO.. can I trust him any more? No...yet it's so hard to let go because of the shit he's helped me through..Should NOT have gotten attached!
Posted 6 months ago # -
Don't know what he helped you through, but apparently he gets a kick from rescueing women in trouble. Love means different things to different people. At least the woman at the receiving end of his heroism was made happy. He would do less damage if he can be more discrete with the women left behind.
Posted 6 months ago # -
You are so right Brandy- perpetual rescuer... It's still hard to grasp.. We've talked bits and pieces about her since the initial talk. I don't know, I'm struggling since he became such an intricate part of my life (talk every day at least 3 times and see each other a couple of times a week). I fully trusted him and now that trust is gone and I can either think of it as NSA sex or it's time to say good-bye.. either way it hurts like hell..
Posted 6 months ago # -
Oh Domino.. I don't know what to say.. it is really hard to realize the trust is gone. It is like the enchantment is broken and there's no repair..
I wish you luck and strength to decide what's best for you. :)Posted 6 months ago # -
Thanks Dancing Star- so true... thinking of you too and sending strong strength thoughts your way too!
Posted 6 months ago # -
Thanks. I appreciate it.. Don't know what would I do without this forum somedays.. :)
Posted 6 months ago #
Reply
You must log in to post.