I can see a pattern on a graph slowly up, up upppp, reaches a peak then falls off a steep drop! He seems to warm to me over the weeks leading up to meeting constant calling, texting feel really close as anyone could be. We meet he keeps asking how much do you love me tells me how much he does me you are nicest person I know etc etc, great sex. We say goodbye after a lovely day and weeks of constant attention....then....next day 6 minute call home with wife and next day afternoon call few mins because busy another missed call, I call back no reply, now weekend. Did i imagine the past few weeks? Did he really say all those things???? Have we talked for hours and hours about everything, this is a constant pattern for over a year and it is truly starting to do my head in!!! He leads I follow his hot and cold??? How can you be sooooo close to someone and keep shutting down and then build up again one minute we are close and in love next I feel like we are friends who might catch up in a couple of days!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hot then Cold!!!!!
(34 posts) (11 voices)-
Posted 6 months ago #
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Isabelle the beautiful...have the strength to know you are absolutely the bomb. Ignore him for a while...do not act hurt or wronged. The NC works on men such as the one who has stolen your heart. He is either scared or wants to control you with his attention... I had the free floating world all around me...I decided that it was not worth the pain - He is hunting me down all around town and gets up early to see me pull up to my driveway...almost caught me a few times but I continue to ignore him...He is not worth wrecking my life into peices. If a man is true blue he will do everything it takes to care for you and be consistent. If he is into playing games - forget him. I know it sounds simple and it is...
Posted 6 months ago # -
Hi Isabelle,
I just wanted to give you another possible side. I felt the same way when my affair first started. I had tons of free time (why does it seem like this is always the case with most women?) and I wanted more of him and more of his attention. We spent 8 months talking, txting, sending hot pictures, and finally deciding to make it a physical relationship. Then all of the sudden... the attention stopped, I hardly talked to him... I thought, "what a jerk.. he used me just to get some other than his wife and now he wants nothing to do with me" That is exactly how I felt. Come to find out, they had fired a bunch of people at his job so he was 100x busier that he was previously. We only normally talked when he was at work or out of town. We hardly ever talked when he was at home with his wife and kids because they demanded his time too! When he found out I was upset with him, and I was demanding more time.... he made it a point to let me know that he was not ignoring me intentionally. He was just going 100 miles a minute at work and at home. I still demanded time and he finally said to me, "You are treating this like a full time relationship instead of a side affair." I didn't think I was... I just had tons of free time! After that I backed off a little and re-thought everything. I actually got to experience some of his "work day" a couple weeks ago and let me tell you, I FULLY understand why he is the way he is. His friggin phone rings NONSTOP and has 200 emails a day to respond to, not to mention meetings.
My point is... maybe he is not doing it intentionally. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt here. Talk to him about it, but don't be too demanding because he might back away more. The only difference here is your OM is telling you he loves you and my OM is a friendship/physical relationship only. I do love him as I love all of my friends, but I am not in love with him. I just want his body. LOL =)
Another thing to think about is.. did you set up any ground rules before the affair started? You and him may need to have a sit down and make up some rules. There are a couple "rules" threads on this board if you need some help.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Isabelle - there used to be a guy out here named GKing, not sure where he's wondered off to- but he said that when guys are "full up" after an encounter, they go back out and tackle world, etc, sort of their primitive nature. They don't need contact again for a little while, unlike us ladies that want consistent contact. He's probably just "full up" and out doing his thing. or like Elle said, maybe he is busy, kids sick, he's sick, whatever. easier said than done but don't take it personally or let your imagination run wild - easier said than done, for sure! i still get a little weird when my guy withdraws.
Posted 6 months ago # -
I have to pip in here too.. I've had that hot cold thing all the time. it seems that when they get what they have been waiting for they are content and can give another project all the attention he didn't have.. they get recharged to handle everything else.
Men are like that.. I've been trying to hook up but my guy is always busy with work or home renovations.
I've also read some where that either they will remember what it was like and want it again or it will be too long inbetween that they forget what it was like?? Guys does that happen.
Even last week we were chatting and when I asked him "why not " he said "it's too much trouble to try to get together".... back to that spontaneous crap.. How are you suppose to do spontaneous when it needs to be planned.. Can't just leave the house on a whim and hope he's in the mood..
I did text him a few days ago after going out for drinks to see if we could meet later (wink) and I get a text back "sorry. some other time" ????????????????
TIME TO GIVE UP............ I know.. I'm getting there LOL
Posted 6 months ago # -
Thanks for all your comments... He has not contacted me as yet and i am dying to call him, i really can't stand this last week he couldn't stop phoning this week i feel like he is dead??? We have had no fall out just met, surely after 14 months he can talk to me. I am trying with all my will not to call him!
Posted 6 months ago # -
isabelle - just send him something lighthearted like hope you're having a nice day or something. reconnect but don't ask why he disappeared or whatever.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Purplelily... He called eventually he sounds very distant and down, think maybe bit about his work, but he always goes like this after we meet. He just isn't there like he was last week. I told him I miss him when we don't speak he said he does but he wasn't really saying it if you know what I mean. I spoke about I don't know how much longer I can live in my marriage he says that he could never leave his wife he has no real reason that anyone on outside would see as valid. The sex isn't the same with me, we have more in common, but he will never leave her, he has a daughter in teens. I don't know how much longer i can do this we are close one minute then I feel it is one sided I will go insane soon! I know he will never leave her, but why does he go so distant on me i put no pressure on him at all?? I get no affection from my husband and OM is so in tune with me? My head is so messed up should i carry on this up and down knowing it is going nowhere? I asked him does he want to see me again, he said of course i do! He could have seen me today but chose to stay at home! Sometimes I feel he really loves me and next I don't know what he is thinking or feeling if i question him when he is like this he closes up even more what does he want or not want. Can anyone throw some light on it. I can cope if i think he is on my side and loves me, but i just don't know how to get answers or move on.
Posted 6 months ago # -
I don't know you and I don't know him. I'm a man and I can give you a guess - the build up right before meeting is all about seduction and enthusiasm. He wants you THAT way. he wants to make it an intensive experience for both of you.
but my guess? He just wants the sex. he's satisfied with having a lover for clandestine meetings. But he doesn't want to be your all and everything in all facets of his life. He has you in a box and the rest of his life is in other boxes. You are compartmentalized and he's happy with it. You want more.
But you let him keep it to what he wants.
If you asked for more, he would probably cut you off.
It's not because he's a man that he's "hot and cold." Women do it too. And not all men are (I'm not). It's because that's WHO HE IS!! He's getting what he wants and he's running the relationship. Why would he change that? I dont' know if he's doing it on purpose or not.
I don't recall your story. He's married but you're not?
You want a relationship. He just wants a lover. If you are single, it rarely works out well because the single person usually wants a FULL relationship with all the benefits, not just to a screw on the side for some married person. And the married one will frequently withhold so that the single lover doesn't make too many demands on them. not always of course (bigheartgirl comes to mind), but typically. usually the single person will get frustrated that their married lover doesn't give them more and take the steps to make their relationship legitimate and leaves.
Only you can decide if the current situation is acceptable or not. to him, clearly it is.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Hi TorchforRA.... I am married 15 years, he same time, he has daughter 13, I have son 11. I sought him, we were together years back briefly before marriage. I am happy with things the way they are when he is with me, I mean mentally, like last week before we met. I don't love my husband and the sex is practically non existent, especially now I know how it can and should be not just the sex but the affection and cuddling which my husband does not have need for! Somedays he will ring just to tell me he loves me even though no meeting planned in near future, maybe he goes through guilt thing after but wont talk to me about it...more to follow....
Posted 6 months ago # -
He has tried to end it a couple of times and goes distant, says it is going nowhere someone will get caught, people hurt, I agree but say what we have is good and he says he loves me but can't do it then a few days later he is back saying he misses talking to me we have a lot in common which we do and great sex occasionally. Just as i get used to it he comes back. Like your advice....???
Posted 6 months ago # -
I'm trying to help, but I don't know him!!
I think that he's very conflicted. He wants you. But he's feeling scared, guilty or whatever.
and you're seeing the results. If that's the case, it's not a matter of him being hot and cold -- it's more a matter of him not knowing what he wants and you're seeing him vacillate between those extremes -- I want her...NO I CAN'T DO THIS...NO I WANT HER...NO I DON'T!!
all I can tell you is that you are in control of what YOU do. If this situation is unacceptable to you, then you need to walk away from it.
But nobody here can tell you how to make him NOT feel the way he does.
Posted 6 months ago # -
I wish you good luck. These things are RARELY easy.
I would tell you what I would tell anyone in ANY relationship -- insist upon having what YOU want.
if someone can't give it to you, you should move on. But at least speak up and insist that your needs be met first.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Yes, you are right...I have thought about moving on but he comes back as soon as I begin to think that is it. I love him and enjoy it when it is good but these dips are torture!! I just don't know how to speak up that is the problem, if he thinks i'm not happy and needy he may walk away for good, I don't know how to tell him or ever find the right time when he comes back to me I think this is it he wont change again but SMACK it is back again, I know i'm too soft but that is me and i'm like that with everyone I know! He is selfish I know. I would never act this way to him because I love him and would share any fears I may have. He told me before when he goes like this to leave him and he will sort his head out. I need to think about mine I know, i'm crying now. Wish he would just end it if he constantly battles with it or just have a phone call friendship. I asked him today does he want to see me again to get clarity he said of course i do. Just wish i knew what i wanted and what he wants.... :-(
Posted 6 months ago # -
if you do not insist on your needs being met, and do whatever he wishes because you love him, he probably WILL do whatever he wishes!
don't be a doormat, Isabelle. Insist on what you need be met too! Otherwise it truly IS all about him. Do you wish to be treated like an unpaid whore?? I know you don't. You can't do whatever he wishes merely because you don't want to lose him!! You will never be happy in the long run.
I'm sorry for your mess.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Thanks...I need to think what I want, and how we can make this work, if we can at all.
The only way I think I can cope is if I don't love him, and am indifferent to his mood swings, anyone got a magic wand to stop me loving him! :-)Posted 6 months ago # -
Dear isabelle, take torch's advice. I was like you for 1/2 of 09. I wanted to do whatever to please him, yet he didn't even give me a chance to find out what he really wanted. Maybe I wasn't listening because I was overly sensitive to any negativity from him. Now that I've finally withrawn myself from that emotional attachement, I deeply understand the meaning of the term 'human doormat'. You have the power in you to change how you feel about this. Recently I have some occasions to revisit the 'scene', and I can tell eventhough he still behaves the same in many ways, I feel so completely different and in control. I don't need him to make me happy anymore. I am still friendly and soft the way I am, but that is out of what I want to do, not to please anyone. If they appreciate my kindness, that's great. If they don't it's their loss not mine. Let yourself control what you give and take, and indeed fill your needs first. Don't think he's the only thing you need right now. Life is so much more than the man who stole your heart. As you noticed as well when you withdraw he came back. That' just the way it is, you need to always think about the balance. Peace and happiness.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Hi Brandy. Thanks for that. How did you withdraw yourself? Is your story on here and where I have read many. Are you still with him or did you move on? I will re read your advice!!
Posted 6 months ago # -
isabelle, my story is on the forum. It's relatively old now and in a big stroke not so different from your and some other's stories, especialy when the emotional roller-coaster is concerned. I am not with him now as far as I can tell. It was strange that we never said goodbye. And on the 'last' day for me in my mind, he gave me a big present but at the same time was totally withdrawn emotionally. So it made me feel like a whore and I could never think of our relationship as pure love anymore. Maybe I am a bit extreme to intrepret his gesture as negative. But since then he had never called me, and even at a time avoided answering my call. The avoidance was the last straw for me. I am feeling so much better now. The last part of 09 I was already trying very hard to stay away more, but I was not commited to myself, and used it only as a tactic to get him back. It worked somewhat, but I wasn't happy. Now I can see clearly my commitment needs to be first to myself. And now I also try to commit a better version of me to my hb. As for the OM, I pushed him into 'special friends' category. I can not be completly hard hearted and cut him out of my life completely, but I am doing well softly transition this relationship back to where it started: a friendship. On the surface he's playing along. Which suits me just fine and I don't bother to guess what's in his mind anymore. Everyone's situation has different nuances, so you need to follow your heart and your head to find the best way to transform your relationship that's not working well for YOU now.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Isabelle i haven't posted here for a while but your situation was so familiar to me. i think ultimately we teach people how to treat us. the poorer the treatment you tolerate the poorer treatment you'll get. Lay yourself at his feet and he'll treat you like a door mat. I know easier said than done but as Torch said you must think of what you want and if he cant provide that move right along. If you do have a talk with him make it about you not him. what YOU want not what HE doesnt do. Someone with genuine interest would be more consistent and no matter what you do (call/don't call apply lots/no pressure)you wont change him. Thats who he is.
I found this site http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/category/mr-unavailable/ which has some pretty good articles on blowing hot and cold and emotional unavailability. I hope that helps put things in perspective for you. I think the indecision you're going through is a killer. I wish you strength to demand what you feel you deserve.Posted 6 months ago # -
arghhh isabelle, we all hate this right? the so called 'hot and cold' thing that our guys put us through. i have the same thing lately. when we are together, he is perfect, and im so convinced of his feelings and my own feelings for him, but when we part, the distance and the 'coldness' made me unsure of whats going on. i had to remind myself this is not a full blown relationship but an affair and to accept that i'm only part of his life (a messy one, otherwise he wouldn't need me anyway). i asked him before, and he did say that if he behaved like this, leave him a bit and he soon comes back. i think it is difficult to stop loving him, but you really have to take it easy, and remind yourself constantly that you are into this to find happiness for yourself, not to increase the amount of sadness!! my husband has already given me enough unhappiness, and i get into this affair to fill in the gaps, not to completely replace him (at least not now) then i should balance this affair in such a way that it doesn't get into the way of my and my OM's normal lives. we are at the 'sideline'. thats what it is. accept it and it gets easier. honestly, i'm still trying to - i even write a few rules to myself so i can learn to control my 'clingyness' this way i use my brain not my heart to do things! and really, when i'm a bit cool, he does come back for more! not a game, but that's how things go!
Posted 6 months ago # -
I think we should change Torch's name to The Skeptic.. He is saying all the things Skeptic would say. (where is he anyways lol)
I'm in the same boat, I want to be there when /or if my guy calls but then I'm told to play hard to get.. How can you say no when all you want is for them to want you....
I'm getting better (with help from my friends *wink*) I'm starting to put the distance in between as well. (I work and see him everyday)
Spring is coming ,snow is melting , life goes on.. Good luck
I wanted to have "the talk" with my guy but everytime we got together I didn't want to ruin it by talking.. so I left it. Communication would be so much nicer.........
Posted 6 months ago # -
"The talk" is precisely what my guy hated and why he tried to avoid me at one time. Finally I forced it out of him that "the talk" was stressful and time wasting. He had a point: He had made it clear earlier on he would be interested if I were not married. So "the talk" is doomed in our case as long as I am staying in my marriage. If I could not clearly define my objective, it's no wonder it got messy... Cheri's right communication would be nice. That it didn't happen in itself sounds alarm about the relationship.
Posted 6 months ago # -
Isabelle, I have been following your post and a question comes to my mind. Are you enjoying this relationship? All of us at this sight have gotten involved in our EMA's to have fun, excitment, love, great sex, but when the time comes that the relationship is more stressful than fun, it is time to pull the plug.
We all go through ups and downs in our EMA's as we do with our spouses, but the bottom line is the EMA must be the one spot in our live's that brings us happiness. Many of us it is the only thing in our life that makes us happy. I understand what you are saying about when it is good, it is really good, but unfortunately we are not with the EMA ver often and the off times need to be just as good. We must make each other feel appreciated, loved and many of us nurtured. Having a secret live is just too stressful to lead if it isn't reciprocated by the lover. My heart goes out to you. I don't know what I would do without all the loving reassuring emails and phone calls from my lover. They are usually short but so wonderful.Posted 6 months ago # -
Well where do I start! Thanks for all of your comments, and support, thank goodness I found this site, i'm from England and I guess I seem to be talking to a lot of people from the states?? Know matter where we are from same old feelings! To undiscovered for now. All of last week I was on top of the world, but I feel so lonely when he goes like this, my best friend disappears, and it was like I was talking to a different person today. I went into this for escape and happiness and when it is good it is the best, but this is the best of times and the worst of times!! Today he was very snappy if I tried to talk about anything deeper than the weather and TV! Why can't I say " Oh just p*ss off and talk to me when you really want me! He called me after all, why bother in that frame of mind! To veryconfused this sentence you have written is so true!!!! " i have the same thing lately. when we are together, he is perfect, and im so convinced of his feelings and my own feelings for him, but when we part, the distance and the 'coldness' made me unsure of whats going on" I could write that!!!! Thanks Pip what you write I am going to think what I want, and how to word it, if I get the chance and mood for him to listen!! I will go to the thread you gave me after this post!! Cheri, what you said about the talk and never getting it because of ruining time together is sooo true my friend who knows about this says to me "did you talk about things with him how you feel about him pulling away every time" I don't because we are having such a great time talking a getting along laughing and enjoying time together I don't think about it or want to ruin our time together by heavy conversation, and the way he acts when we are together you think this is it he loves me he wont be like that again, but it does! The one time I did say about this behaviour pattern he said he has to deal with guilt and best to leave him be until he comes back. I think on occasions maybe fate whatever his wife becomes loving towards him and he thinks what am i doing, and I get the kick!! I seem to deal with it better my end?? I'm dreaming about the lovely time we had he is thinking the opposite for a while, I don't know, but what I do know this is making me go crazy, I need to step back and think what am i now gaining from this?? how to approach him about it, what does he want, says he wants to see me again I know, maybe i'll distance myself may make him talk, but I feel deep down if he really loved me I wouldn't be going through this, just goes around and around in my head!!! Hope I sleep tonight.....
Posted 6 months ago # -
isabelle, dont stress yourself out by this. remember, he is not stressing himself over this!
i sometimes have to hit my head and remind myself, i'm indulging in self-pity too much and perhaps we need to have a real good perspective. we are really all into this for the happiness, for the fun, for the thrill, etc and yes once emotionally involved, you get the 'shitty' stuff that comes with it, but still overall your feelings must be positive. lose sleep because you are daydreaming about the great sex, lose sleep because you are planning the next getaway, but don't lose sleep because he's distant!
stay pretty, cool, and confident and you will do just fine :)
p.s. i know exactly what you are going through as i said last week i had a taste of it.. but all's fine for me now because i'm learning in this relationship too.. let's support each other and get through it together :)Posted 6 months ago # -
Hello all... He seems to be coming out of the down again, not fully back but getting there. I have made a decision the next time we meet face to face to tell him how I feel about this situation what I want from it (to make me happy not a misery) and see what it is he really wants and find out if he really, really wants to continue, and is it making his life happier or does the guilt really bear heavier. If nothing is resolved at least we can try to be honest and see if we clear the air!!???
Posted 6 months ago # -
After 14 months it should have some established pattern so probably a good idea. I have been foolishly selfish with mine recently, getting sulky when I know he was trying to do the right thing. In some ways I think I am responsible for his hot/cold without realising it. I know he is about to go cold soon after a particularly intensive time, he has said yet again "that's it for a while" he never closes the door fully though and I use to be tempted to close it for him sometimes, I still am now and again.
Really interested to see how you work this out - it's something I have been pondering for a while. All the best for your talk!
Posted 6 months ago # -
Well it is 3 weeks since he went cold...I have had constant attention, and telling me he loves me over and over, we didn't have "that conversation" didn't feel the need he was totally there no time to doubt him, we met last week and afew times since the last cold time. Yesterday morning texting and ringing me constantly he, then got cut off from bad signal which kept happening which was frustrating, I tried to call him back but no signal when there was he didn't answer i know he was alone.. nothing since no text nothing here we go again with no warning!! No bad vibes nothing???
Posted 5 months ago # -
isabelle, I am so sorry to read this is happening again to you. I don't know the details of your situation, but my gut feeling is negative. Some say, love either leads to a marriage or dies. I can tell you a year ago we were kind of like that. It was great and no need to 'talk' when we were both in the moment. Then all of a sudden, only downs. The more I probed him the worse it got. Now I regret that I never had the courage to face the reality and cut it off cleanly for my own good. I kept on hoping for a peaceful and happy resolution even if it's just friendship. I tried to give him space, respond to his good mood positively and be nice etc... But there was an uneasy feeling prevailing. Last night came the final staw for me when we had some horrible conversations over the phone. He said our personalities were not a good match and blamed me for complaining. Funny thing was I agree with him completely about the mismatch and told him I just wanted to meet him to talk and have a closure so that we can be normal in our other interactions. He even considered speaking with me a waste of time. When I hear his words, I couldn't believe what a 180 turn it was from a year ago. The good thing is this made the decision for me, and I have the answer for which direction my life should go now. I have to accept that people don't always reach a consensus in a straight logical and nice way. Your love and good intentions can be misinterpreted in many different ways. That's tragic when it happens. But what can we do other than learning to grow stronger and know where we will be received as we deserve? Perhaps becoming jaded and synical is another way to pretect oneself. Hope you don't go through the same as I had. Try to take him off your mind and enjoy other parts of your life. I think ultimately my guy sensed he couldn't make me happy and he was right. If you are not happy he will know one day and may just give up.
Posted 5 months ago #
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