Having A Discreet Affair

Share your affair experience

1. noguarantees
   Member

   Hi there, I've been lurking for a few weeks, kind of taking it all in. If you told me I would be here 6 months ago, I would be quite surprised I'm sure.

   So I guess I'm the "OW"... I'm in my mid-twenties, have been seeing a guy in his mid-forties for a little over 4 months. He's married, no kids. I'm single, no kids.

   I think about him all the time... I'm a lot luckier than a lot of you, we usually meet at least 3 times a week for ~2 hours each... sometimes even 5 or 6 times a week. We are absolutely addicted to each other, he's absolutely amazing. Last week we had our first sleepover, it was great. I absolutely adore him. We always cuddle etc. 100 emails exchanged in the past 3 days.

   I don't want to delve into his personal story too much, I'll just sum it up by he says he doesn't see a happy ending with his marriage, but at the same time he doesn't seem to have any plan to put anything into action to finish it.

   Today I found out that I had inadvertently made him jealous and that it bugged him pretty much all Sunday (which is the one day that is almost always off limits). I still date and see other guys (although I would absolutely 100& rather be with him and would commit to him if his "situation" changed, I get bored, I think it might be a defense mechanism, trying to distract myself) and anyway, I said something and then he was all like, 'I want to say something but I'm not going to say it, it's not really any of my business.' So of course a dragged it out of him and he thought I was going to be mad but he told me that he didn't want any other guy cumming inside me... which that actually turned me on, I wasn't even trying to make him jealous, he's said before that I should/could date other guys. And I'm probably such a dork for finding a comment like that completely utterly romantic. Haha.

   So I guess I need to reassure him a little bit... I'm absolutely in love with him, I know he loves me too... I just haven't gotten the words to come out yet... I've skated around it, I don't know why I'm so afraid to say it. I guess I don't want to scare him. So do I tell him?

   Posted 6 months ago #

2. isabelle
   Member

   My advice would be to say nothing, let him take the lead on that one!

   Posted 6 months ago #

3. Lulu
   Member

   I would agree with Isabelle, let him do it when he is ready. I must say I have thought about it. Hard not to feel it especially as I spend almost as much time with him as my hb. I felt those feelings the most intensley around 6 months although it has subsided into more of a supportive closeness. I think if I had of told him then he would have panicked and backed away.

   Knowing who he is, I think those words would take away some of the fantasy and make it too real, even now. I couldn't see him handling it well. I feel it when he holds me, pulls the sheet around me so I don't get cold, when he lets me into his personal life, when he makes me laugh and when he is supportive and lets me support him. Those things are gestures of love to me so will make do without words, cliche as it is actions do speak louder. I guess it comes down to your man and what you believe he is capable of handling?

   Although I would be delighted to hear those words, it would actually give me some sort of security and peace knowing he felt the same and no I wouldn't go crazy, which I think is what he is worried about! Sometimes we do need to hear them to confirm we are on the same page.

   Posted 6 months ago #

4. dancing.star
   Member

   Noguarantees: OMG! If I could convince you to get out of this situation I would! But this is just my skepticism based on my own story. A pretty similar one though.
   I agree with the ladies about the "I love you" moment. In my case, it came first from him, unexpectedly for me, and it just made me go even further into the affair. We usually say that words don't mean as much as actions, but we forget that many times, words can motivate and inspire actions. My point is, if you decide to say it or not, don't do it to reassure him only. Let him be jealous a bit! Afterall, he's also "seeing other people", right?

   My 20-years-older MM told me MANY times that he loved more as the days went by, that I was the love of his life, that his marriage was OVER, and told me pretty convincing stories about that too. When shit hit the fan, he kept his word. He continued to love me more everyday. Until shit hit the fan AGAIN! Then I was left without a good-bye, funny enough, last I heard from him was "I love you". And suddenly, I guess, his marriage had a chance.. go figure!

   So, as much as I could (and secretly want to) drag on telling my story hoping that will make you see that IT IS NOT WORTH IT, I know it won't work. I was on your shoes, I know how it felt, and I know you will find all sorts of reasons to believe it is worth it. Hopefully your story won't end up like mine! I truly hope this is the case as I don't wish what I've been through to my worst enemy! But my point here is: DO NOT STOP LIVING YOUR LIFE! Do not stop seeing other people, for whatever reason - you're bored, defense mechanism, whatever it may be! He doesn't even need to know! This is for you! This way, you may (hopefully) be able to control the depth of your feelings for him a bit better, and will have a fall back plan if something goes wrong.

   Sorry if I don't really answer your question, I just felt the need to offer you my experience, as it seems to be VERY similar.

   If you are curious, search for my posts.. you'll be able to see the evolution of my affair from start to end, and I'm sure you'll be able to identify with some of it!
   Also, if you want to talk more privately, drop me a line at dancing.star2@live.ca

   I am not in a EMA anymore. The only reason I'm here still is to try and help whoever might be in a situation like I was with my 2 cents. You seem to be exactly that..

   Wishing you all the best! :)

   Posted 6 months ago #

5. torchforRA
   Member

   "My 20-years-older MM told me MANY times that he loved more as the days went by, that I was the love of his life, that his marriage was OVER, and told me pretty convincing stories about that too. When shit hit the fan, he kept his word. He continued to love me more everyday. Until shit hit the fan AGAIN! Then I was left without a good-bye, funny enough, last I heard from him was "I love you". And suddenly, I guess, his marriage had a chance.. go figure!"

   I could have written these words about R (11 years younger). Funny...people WILL say almost anything...I guess I realized that words are cheap, no matter how many times they are repeated.

   sigh

   you and me, DS...we have a lot in common.

   Posted 6 months ago #

6. dancing.star
   Member

   Yes we do, Torch. And I'm sure so many more out there are or were in a similar situation too! I just hope NG will not become one of us.. :)

   Posted 6 months ago #

7. noguarantees
   Member

   Yeah you guys are right, I should definitely let him take the lead on the three little words. I just needed someone else to tell me.

   I guess what I meant is that I have been dating guys out of boredom, not usually out of genuine interest for them. So yeah I'll continue to date other guys, but not just for lack of anything better to do. Of course I'll keep continuing my social life, I just don't need to go out on 2 or 3 times a week (besides my married lover) with guys I have little interest in just to kill boredom and for free drinks. But that doesn't really have much to do with him, I had a really shitty date last weekend haha.

   And of course I think he's worth it... things are absolutely amazing right now. It's always been pretty amazing but the past couple of weeks have been especially amazing.

   Posted 6 months ago #

8. dancing.star
   Member

   I understand that.. but when my affair started to get serious, I stopped going on these informal dates.. I stopped finding it fun to go out without him.. So, when I lost him, I had nothing. I had only a miserable self and some rally good friends that would bring me food and take me to see a doctor (thank God!). But I don't wish that to anybody, and that is why I told you to continue going out. You don't need to go out everyday, and also you don't need to go on dates per se. What I meant is that as you start to compare all of these guys to your amazing lover, these dates start to get shitty as none of them stand a chance, and that can be dangerous..

   Please don't get me wrong.. I know how annoying it is when someone tries to impose their ideas from their experiences on us, while we can't relate to them at all. I'm just trying to show you my experience in an attempt to avoid some hardcore suffering for you. Don't even know if it's possible.. just thought I might as well.. Let me know if you want me to stop! I will totally respect that, as I said, I've been there and done that.. :)

   Posted 6 months ago #

9. noguarantees
   Member

   Ah I know exactly what you mean though when you say the dates get shitty when I compare the guys to him. Mainly it's in bed though... my amazing lover is... amazing. Seriously the best I've ever had, and I've slept with around 20 guys or so. He's absolutely mindblowing. But at the same time some of the guys I've gone out with are real jackasses, and it's really good that I've realized that they aren't worth my time. Luckily one of my roommates and I are pretty close and every week we and some other girls do go out dancing/drinking, and sometimes I'll pick up a random guy.

   Posted 6 months ago #

10. dancing.star
    Member

    Yes.. my guy was also the best I've ever had. It wasn't only in sex though (not that yours is!). It was all of it together that made him the best lover I've ever had. I hope I'll find what I had with him with someone else. Mindblowing sex, conversations, connection, understanding.. It's been hard to find anyone attractive since him..

    Posted 6 months ago #

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