There are many reasons people have affairs and these extra relationships have their own positive and negative aspects that sometimes make us incredibly happy, make us feel lucky and excited to be involved in them, or nervous, disappointed, ashamed or just straight out annoyed. Remembering that affairs are not like your normal single-person-dating situations, you can begin to reflect on the pros and cons of having a clandestine relationship, for whatever reason you feel you had to start.
We collected actual encounters from several people with first hand experience in their own affairs. You may strike similarities with them from your own life. They are real people, just like you, who felt the need to take the chance at having an affair. We have comments from them about what they see as the positives and negatives of their own experiences in affairs.
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The Pros Of Having an Affair
Of course, there have to be positive points to having an affair or nobody would be doing it. It is often to fill voids that their current relationship doesn’t fill; boredom; loneliness; naturally wondering eyes; and many other reasons. When someone feels something missing in their relationship, albeit emotionally or physically, they will often want to complete the circle, make themselves feel fully satisfied with another person. It can maintain being just self esteem boosting or sexual relief, or it can grow into a valued, caring relationship that continues for many years.
From SallyM, 38: “My husband only thinks about himself when it comes to sex. We have done it probably twice in the last year, both times disappointing for me but fine for him. My lover cares about my sexual needs and we can even talk for hours about anything. He has become both a friend and a lover. It’s fantastic! We’re both happy staying in each other’s side lives too – no complications, no arguments and over ten years now.” From Josh, 30: “Sex with my lover is amazing. She doesn’t consider sex as a chore or make me feel I’m an interruption in her life, like my wife. We have wild sex and we both know that’s all each other wants in the relationship! We’re both married but both lacking in something which we find in each other – it’s a great boost to our egos too.” From Tamika, 46: “After years of having next to no companionship, it’s great to have met Gary. He’s sweet, loving and we both feel so connected to each other. I find it amazing that I could click so easily with someone. I still go home to my partner, but it’s nice to feel I have support from my lover when things get down at home.” From Cam, 27: “My husband’s barely ever home. He is always on business trips or down at the bar with his mates. My lover makes me feel like I’m in a real relationship, without having to deal with the bills, fights or my bad moods. I couldn’t be in my marriage without him and he says the same about me. We’re basically each other’s backbone.”
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The Cons Of Having an Affair
Affairs aren’t always fun, loving and risk-free. While there are great reasons to have an affair and many to stay in one, there are also things that make you feel you’re doing the wrong thing and you feel guilt, you have a fight with your lover, or worst case you get caught! One of the primary cons about having an extramarital affair is the risk of pain it would put on the people in the families involved. It may seem fun, exciting and you may have developed no guilt but things can go wrong, conversations may leak out, conflicts might start and the general eventual feeling that you know you’re not the main part in your lover’s life can take its toll.
From Brent, 52: “My wife found out I’ve been having an affair with a woman at work through one of my work colleagues. I didn’t even know they knew about it! The woman I was with didn’t want anything more than casual sex on the side of her own marriage. I’ve now lost my wife, my three kids and am left with no home. My lover doesn’t want to risk being with a single person so I’m practically left alone… not to mention the financial strains from all of this. I wish I could turn back time.”
From Rebecca, 25: “I fell pregnant while having an affair and didn’t know who the father was. With extreme racial differences, I HAD to find out who the father was. My husband left me when he found out the baby may not be his. My lover didn’t want it and it was too late to stop it. I’m now a single mother living with my parents.”
From Tess, 37: “I’ve always found it hard having an affair. I am attached to a married man other than my husband and desperately want to share it with someone but have to keep it to myself. I can’t kiss him in public, can’t talk to him on the weekends on the phone from home nor call to ask if everything’s ok when I haven’t heard from him in over a week. I have to be very careful if I try to email him or talk online to ensure my partner doesn’t find out. Secrecy really eats away sometimes.”
From Martin, 45: “I’ve always been safe when I had sex with other women other than my wife, but I went bareback one night with a girl I thought I could trust and had been with for several months. She gave me an STD. It was next to impossible to make an excuse to my wife on the spot why I didn’t want to have unprotected sex with her. It puts yet another strain on our marriage!”
Every relationship is different and every affair is unique. Everybody has different needs they want fulfilled when it comes to affairs and in the end you need to weigh up the pros and cons of your own situation to decide on whether it’s worth taking the step into having an extramarital relationship. You’re the only person who has the final say on how far the temptations go. Not every person in the same situation will have the same outcome so remember you need to be the one to judge what you want to do.
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I’ve been involved in an affair for almost 15 yrs. I’ve told no one. I love my husband of 23 years but my lover, who is 14 yrs my senior, is the love of my life. Sexually, I’ve never met anyone like him…..we LOVE each other and connect on a level I will never have with anyone but him. After 13 yrs, his wife finally suspected something and we have greatly reduced the time we spend together and time we talk. I miss him terribly and can not imagine life without him though he is now 61 one, and I, 47. He is my best friend. I welcome any advice from those who have long term relationships — I know I will likely outlive him and the thought of life without him….. I don’t want to consider. Thoughts? Advice?
I can’t imagine. That is a fear of mine, not being able to see him. I met my lover 2 years ago. He is 8 years older than me. I have been married for 28 years and am 48 years old. We are also in love. We keep it parallel to our “real” lives and neither of us has ever told anyone. We are extremely cautious because we don’t want to hurt our own families. We fill each other and he makes my life so much more alive. Being with him has added so much happiness to my life and it spills over to the rest of my world. I wish we could see each other more often or even talk on the phone, but I don’t want to risk losing what we have by getting greedy. Your note, although sad that you’re time together is now more limited, makes me so happy to think this could last for that long. You know that you really have no choice but to accept the limited visits or to end it all together. You have to decide what works for you. Only you know what you can live with. For now, I think my limited time with him is so valuable that I accept our circumstance and cherish the time we do have.